ON BABIES.

Waikato Times, Volume I, Issue 61, 19 September 1872, Page 3

ON BABIES.

(ZOZIMUS.) " Babies arc bundles of clothes with yellow heads." Some months ago 1 received a letter from the Royal Geographical Society, inforniing me that this definition w.w inaccurate, as in trjpieal climates babiee had black faces and wvre frequently found without any clothes worth speaking of. This I don't believe. I have often seen black m--n at St. James's Hn!l and elsewh.re, but whoever saw a black baby? i wrote back, saying that if Or Livingstone when he came home brought among his specimens of other insects any black babies 1 should have great pleasure in inspecting them and giving him a certificate, that i=?, provided they don't prove stuU'ed seals or large cockroaehes. There are a gmit number of babies in the world. Most of them are, however, kept out of sight in cradles, hen coops, attics and old clothes baskets. A man once told me the reason of this is because if thev were allowed to crawl abjut the streets or the parks, no one could slu , out for fear of walking on them, or tripping over them, in either of which eases the people so doing could be prosecuted by our friend Lnt'.ibury. It was once proposed by a very clever Irishman to try till the babies found at large by the Treason-Felony Act; but, as all British subjects arc entitled to be tried by a jury of their peers, and as babies can never be depended on to keep their oaths, the idea had to be abandoned, Babies are all nexrlv the same size. When they are very small they are called infants, and fed on butter and brown sugar and turpentine. Sometime tho turpentine rises to their head, and they behave in a most outrageous manner. I once saw an infant who had drank too much turpentine sitting on a pillow on the ground and yelling with all its might at a most respcctablelookiiig old lady, who was the infant's grand aunt, and had a lot of money in the funds. Whenever the grand aunt pointed her finger at the infant it yelled louder than ever and tried to bite the finger. Thegrand aunt left the house|and settled all tl e money on an institution for elderly unmarried women. The education of babies is generally in a very backward stale; indeed, they do not appear to know much of the English language beyond the words " papa, * " mamma," " me," " go," " by." Their attempts at French are even worse ; they are continually using such low French as " ajou," " day-day," " baba," and " bv-bv." A man < nee told me there can be no doubt that babies arc descended from niggers, for they always say "me " for " I."

Babies do not differ much in temper, size, or disposition. They are violent, about the size of a pillow, and covetous. I once saw a baby with a corkscrew, a pair of tongs, a hand-bell, and a broken hearthbrush, and nothing conld induce it to part from any of them, although it had got the corkscrew half-way into its ear, and the handle of the hearth-brush filtogether down its throat. When you come near a baby it stretches forth its hand and clutches hold of your necktie. This is, the mother tells yon, a mark of high favour, and a sign that the baby desires to kiss you. When you stoop forward to kiss the creature it seizes you by the hair, and evovy one but you laughs and says what a precocious baby it is. When you sit down you are to hold the baby. You tiike it in your arms and pliice ; t on your knee. Immediately it catches hold of your collar, and tries to stand on your best trousers with its dirty boots. If von don't allow it, the mother says, " Oh, do, Mr So-and-so, let him stand up ; he is quite delighted at having discovered he can stand,.and it won't hurt him." It then lays hold of your shirt studs, and shoots out its finger at your eye, and drives a hand sticky with wet sugar into the bosom of your shirt. Not un frequently it behaves in a manner so inconsiderate that description is impossible. This makeyou wish to put it down and stamp on it with your right foot. Babies, like dogs, arc not found wild in any country. They are always to be met with in the vicinity of mankind. They are usually the companions of "women. In savage countries when the men are out hunting tigers with their horses and dogs, the women amuse themselves with feeding babies, and washing scalps, and drying beef in the. sun : in civilized countries when the men are out shooting pigeons or hunting hares with their dogs, the women look at babies, and sit down until their hair grows down to their feet, put on tight dresses, and learn the names of their children, if they have time after coming in from seeing their friends. The most singular thing amongst babies is that each one is larger and finer than any one which has ever been seen before. The first thing a woman does when she takes a baby in her hands is to hold it at arm's length and say, "Oh dear," or " Oh, my goodness! " or some other powerful words. "What a fine little fellow, and only seven months old too ! Why, Mrs. So-and-so's baby is ten months, and this little fellow is twice his weight. Upon my word, Mrs So-and-so, I have seen many a baby, but this is by far the finest." Mrs So-and-so smiles, and takes the baby, and shows how it can very nearly stand when it is held up under the arms and has its buck against the let: of a sofa. A man once told me fiat men were descended from babies. What Mr Darwin said about monkeys was had enough, but this is really carrying matters too far.