Humorous,

Tuapeka Times, Volume XXIV, Issue 1813, 18 July 1891, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humorous,

The New Riley.

The fad among the poets now is imitating Jim ; They make their verses tumble down in sections, just like him ; The Whitoomb Riley ending leads you down to an abyss ; This. Like Up Suppose we change the thing and boost 'em Suppose you are describing how yon met a summer girl, And wooed, and won, and lost her, in Narragansett's whirl ; * You thought you bad your heiress hooked and landed high and dry. High. Sky Knooked But she was fooling, and your plans got Perhaps you're on the street, and make your plans to be a bear ; You buy a lot of wheat •• dirt oheap," and then you get a scare ; You let it go for nothing, and before quotations cloee, Goes. She tip It takes a sudden spurt you see, and I And scores of things might be desoribed with I like poetio wiles, I The theatrphat, the iceman's bill— all Eiffel tower styles ; With novelties and mark down Bales, and bargain lots in rhyme, Climb. To Got If you expect to sell your wares, you've Then here's to Jimmy Biley, the feller wot kin spell In the style of old Josh Billings, although not quite bo well ; We've learned that if a poet oan make his thinker hop Top. On Keep And write a ladder-poem, he oan Fbank Bob Batchbijjbb. Infra dig.— A spade. Be!%>ntent with your lot— eßpeoiai'y if I* be a lot of money. A new shoe for little girls is called the " Wit." Brevity is the cole of it. " How shall I invite the Muggees to our silver wedding!" " Just write ' The pleasure of your presents is requested.' " Maddox : (l I understand your wife always has the last word." * Gazzam : " All a mistake, I assure you. She gives it to me." The visitor (viewing the new baby): " Do you think ho is going to resemble bis fatbtr?" The mother : " I should not be surprised. He keeps me up every nigbt." He : " Fanny Brown is engaged. Guetb who to?" She : " What ! That stupid, snub-nosed, common little creature ! Who on earth isgoing to be fool enough to marry her?" He : '• Well— er— that ith— l am." A Western editor was recently requested to send his paper to a distant patron, pro' vided he vould take bis pay in " trade," At the end of the year he found that his new subscriber was a coffin-maker. Old lady (in drug store to small boy) : " What am I to take this medioine in, sonny?" Sonny : " Take it in your mouth, mum ; 'taint to be rubbed on." Willie (who has eaten his apple) : " Mabel, let's play Adam and Eve. You b e Eve and I'll be Adam." Mabel : " All right, Will." Willie : " Now you tempt me to eat your apple and I'll succumb." When a lady living in Cheleea cent to London for a doctor, Bhe apologised for asking him to come such a distance. " Don't speak of it," answered the M.D. " I happen to have another patient in tbe neighborhood, and oan thus kill two birds with one stone." " Where you at Mrs. Jones' ball two seasons ago 1" be said to Miss Bosebud at the Patriarch's ball. " Oh, no 1" csha answered " I am a debutante this winter." «• Are you ?" he exclaimed ; " why, somebody told me your folks were Episcopalians I" Tiie Count's Ideal-— English Count: " I want a wile with diamond eyes, golden hair, ruby lips, and a silvery voioe." "Australian Girl: "And I suppose her friends will find her in a pawnshop before the honeymoon." Sympathised With Nature— Granger; "Doe, ihur mus' be suthin 1 left whare ye pulled thet tooth for me, last week. It's ached ever eenoe." Dentist (examining tbe moutb) : "Nothing there, sir, but & vacuum." "How big?" "Why, about the size of a tooth, of oourse." 1 ' Wai, yank 'er out, doc. I knowed suthin' was wrong. I've heerd that nacher obb.org a vaokeyum, an 1 dinged if I blame 'er, 'f she ever got one stuok inter her jaw. Winks : " Why is it that men are bo willing to many widows?" Minks (an art dealer) : "I don't know. I have noticed, too, that it is always easier to sell an old picture from a private oolleotion than a new one by the same artißt." First Girl (in an intelligence offioe) : "D'ye think that leddy will be aisytogit along wid ?" Seoond Girl : " Vis, she's a reg'lar fool."