THE BELLE OF KAUKAPAKAPA.

Observer, Volume 6, Issue 155, 1 September 1883, Page 11

THE BELLE OF KAUKAPAKAPA.

Thebe was a loud and peremptory knock at the sanctum door. It sounded like a thick bludgeon. Placing the club within easy reach, and signalling the regular undertaker to hold himself in readiness, we bade the visitor " Come in." He looked like a man who had recently emerged from a sausage- machine or a quartz-mill, as he hobbled in on erutehes, and with, a painful effort dropped into a chair. His head was enveloped in bandages, one arm was in a sling, there was a big patch over his right eye, and the major portion of one ear was missing. I have come, mister, about a little parygraft in this 'ere Observes. [Here he spat upon his hands, and grasped one of his crutches.] v J?& a come afore, but you see I've been sis' weeks in 'ospital. ' -„ What is the subject of the paragraph you, refer to? It's a little parygraft about the belle of. the Kaukapakapa ball. Ah, I see ; but I'm sorry to say the editor is not in at present. i Jist so. They told me downstairs that. like enough he'd be out. Grone to the country, I 'spose, to hunt up another belle. When do you expect him back, mister ? Well, that's uncertain. He may be back tomorrow or the day after. Jist so, or the middle of next week. I tumble. But maybe, you'll do as well, mister. Jist run your eye over this little parygraft, will yer ? It ran thus : " Miss Anastasia Smith, who was tastefully attired in a yellow bombazine dress, with scarlet trimmings,* was the acknowledged belle of the ball. Miss Mariah Bloggs, in a salmon-coloured dress, with train en suite, was a perfect fright, and the laughing-stock of everyone present." Purty rough, ain't it, mister ? Well, the comparison is certainly invidious. Invidyus ! It ain't no name for it. You see, Mariah is my gal — leastways, she was, — and when she sot eyes on that little parygraft she got mad — she got as mad as a lunattic, and said it was a measily shame that a stuck-up minx like Anas* tasia Smith, that had on'y jist got inter long frocks, and used to run arter the cows in eightsized boots with nails in 'em, should give herself airs above her shuperiors. You see, mister, two months ago, when I sold my steers at Buckland's, I thought I'd sorter give Mariah a sweetener — her dad's got a big farm next ourn, and Mariah '11 come inter the oie man's property, — so I bought her that salmon-coloured dress to go to the ball, and a crinyline, and I stuffed her up that it was all the go among the swells in town, and 'd take the shine outer the Kaukapakapa wenches. Mariah don't know nothing about fashions, she don't, and she left it all to me. She toie me to get the tip from the milliners, and bring up the boss gownd in Auckland ; and so I took the advice of a counter-jumper chap, and bought that there all-fired salmon-coloured thing. You should have consulted ,the Observer Fashions column, my .friend. It iB an inf allible guide. Jisfc so ; but you see that counter-jumper chap stayed at the same boarding-house, and I thought he'd act the friend to a stranger. I've been looking for him for a week, I have ; but of course he's gone on a visit to the country, like your editor. That's always the way, you know, when a friend calls to see 'em. : But how did you come by those injuries ? That's it, mister. I didn't come to 'em ; they come to me. You see, it was ull on account of Mariah. She knowed the chap wot put in that little parygraft. He wanted to make up to her at the ball, and 6aid he'd stick her down as the belle if she'd throw me over and take him in tow. Mariah, she's a gal of independent mind, she is, and she said she'd run on her merits ; and Bill the Shingler, that's him, he went and. stuck in this littl^parygraf t. Did'sne go for you ? Rot she. She on'y said if I didn't liok Bill

like a flail, and make him take back that little parygxaft; she'd never set eyes on me agin*. And you licked Bill, of course ? Well, not much. I tried to, mister; but there , was rocks and things flying about, and a lot of horses lashing out with their hind legs, and then it got ■■ dark, and somehow I didn't see what happened arter that. But jist run yer eagle eye over 'this here other little pary graft, mister, please. .The second paragraph ran as follows : — "Miss Mariah Bloggs was decidedly the belle of the ball. She was becomingly attired in a charming costume of cream-coloured satin, trimmed with cream-coloured brocaded silk and white Honiton lace, with heliotropes and forget-me-nots. Miss Anastasia Smith wore the same old bombazine dress with scarlet trimmings, and looked a perfect fright." There seems to be a change since the last ball. You bet there is. Bill, the Shingle Splitter's her boss milliner now. He's squared her on the belle racket. I've retired from the business. It don't pay. Then how can we help you ? That's jist it. You can help me a heap, mister, if you like. You see a fellow don't stand no show in the country unless he's a dab at the belle racket, and can git little parygraits inter the Observer. So I want you to give Bill his •walking-ticket, and put me in his place. Then I reckon I'll fix Anastasia, and make it square with Mariah when the next hop comes oft. How'd somethin' in this style go now ? .— " The lovely and accomplished Miss Mariah Bloggs looked like a hangel in a sky-blue dress with rainbow trimmin's, and were jist killin', and with Mister Wilkins Doggies — that's me, mister — was decidedly the belles of the ball. Miss Anastasia Smith and Mister William Jiggers— that's Bill, the Shingler— was as ugly as two old roosters, and oughter let theirselves out as scarecrows." How does that strike you, mister ? It's certainly forcible ; but look here, you'll be getting into Hospital again. No fear, cocky. I've cut my high teeth. I'm going to take lessons off Donovan, the bruiser, jist to qualify myself for the billet. You see, tipping belles is sorter risky business, and I'm going to be able to back my judgment — my colonial, I am. You can consider yourself appointed. Thanks, mister ; I knew you'd sympathise with a fellow-man in distress. And you'll put in everything I send ? ' Of course. Thank you kindly, mister. You're one of the right sort, you are. If there's anything to pay, jist you send along the bill to Wilkins Doggies, Pumpkin Farm, Kaukapakapa. Expense ain't no objick. I reckon I'm goin' to be the boss belletipper of your paper, mister, and I'll have Mariah or bust. With a painful effort, he raised himself from the chair, seized his crutches, and hobbled away, singing, " For she was the belle of the ball, dear boys, She was the bolle of the ball."