HUMOROUS.

Te Aroha News, Volume IV, Issue 205, 28 May 1887, Page 4 (Supplement)

HUMOROUS.

A coTiKLsroNDKNT wishes to know what is the most stable kind of property. Horses. •' Bo collected," as a tradesman said to a huge pile of bills scattered over the desk. '•What's the extreme penal oy for bigamy?" finked a man of an old judge, who answered, " Two mothers-in-law." A paper out Weit has for its motto, " (iooclwill to all men who pay promptly. Devoted to news,, fun, and making money.'' It i& said that a baker ha^> invented a new kind of yeast which makes bread so light that a pound of it weighs only eight ounces. A shoi t lime ago a man became so completely " -\\ rapt in thought " that he was tied up, labelled, and sent oil on the lirtfc " train of idea/ A philosopher remarks that no man cwi ailord to make a fool of himself. Bub he fOlf 01 gets some men are utterly regardless of expense. A corresdondent wants to know what is the best cure for insomnia. Has the gentkman tried going for several nights withon t uleep '! "Pompoy, do corn's up," "De cornup? Why, I only planted it yesterday." "1 know dafc; but do hogs, got in last night* and guv it a lift you hadn't counted on." One of the most trying things in a man* life is when he introduces his second wife,, nineteen years old, to his eldest daughter, who is past twenty. Stranger : Can you show me the way to the cathedial? Intelligent Native : Turn round that corner and inquire for the glove ahop : the cathedral is close by. Antiquarian Customer.—" Got any old — a h_Roman weapons or pottery lately V Dealer— " 'Xpeet them in nex' week, sir. Ain't quite finished rufctin' yet, «ir. About Toosday, sir." Nature proclaims with pronounced iteration To Agnostic and Christian, Jew, Col3ton and Turk, Good health is best found in strict moderation. And the best Anti fat is an honest day's wor*. England and her dinners.— lf an earthquake were to cngulph England to-morrow (said Douglas Jerrold). the English would manage to meet and dine somewhere among the rubbish, just to celebrate the event. A Western man advertised that he would for Idol, mail information that would make food entirely unnecessary. A citizen of Jordan, Canada, sent his dollar, and by return mail got the directions: "Take a dose of poison." A beggar, to all appearances slightly befogged, thus accosted a passer by : - " Sir, would you please give a little money to buy a bit of bread, for I am so dreadfully thirsty that I don't know where I am to get a night's lodgings." The question why printers do not succeed as well as brewers was thus answered : " Because printers work for the head, and brewers for the stomach, and where twenty men have stomachs but one has brains." An Irishman asked another to come and dine off boiled beef and potatoes with him.. | "That I will," says the other ; "and it's rather odd it should be exactly the same dinner I had at home for myself, barring, the beef." A Liverpool lady last week attended a funeral in a country church. After thesinging of a hymn, a man who was sitting beside'her remarked : " Beautiful^ hymn, isn't it, ma'am ? The corpse wrote it." ' Mistress : How is this, Bapfciste ? How. can you allow the butcher to give you such a bad piece of beef ? It is nothing but bone. Baptiste : Just what I told the butcher, madam. I said if it was for myself I would not have it. It is said that during ten years no number of London "Punch" appeared without a shirfc or crinoline, and the ladies, God bless them, never paid any attention to " Punch " or any other publication. This is very discouraging to the paragraphers who are lecturing the ladies for wearing high hats and bonnets at the theati'es. I showed a letter one day to a lady who was thought to be a great authority on chirography. She loaded the handwriting with every species of abuse. It was the writing of a bad-tempered man, of a stupid man, of an ignorant man : there could be no relieving feature whatever in such handwriting as that. "And now, madam," I said, " will you look at the signature ?" Ib was the signature of Macaulay.