The Contributor.

Southern Cross, Volume 10, Issue 30, 25 October 1902, Page 5

The Contributor.

DENIS DISCOURSES. Dear Mr Editor, —’Tis rale glad I am that the elections are cornin’ aff so soon, for they d be the death, av me if they lasbted much longer; an’ as for Katie, she’s gettin’ fairly bewildered, an’ goin’ aff her mate. Ye see she wint to hear Mr Bedford in the church the other night, an’ he towld her an’ the resht av the paple that drink was the cause av a lot av crime an’ lunacy an’ such-like, an’ thin she rade the spache delivered in Dunedin by me frind Mr Deegan, that’s been imported from Tictoria, so they be aft her sayin’ to thravel through Otago an’ the surrounding district an’ lecture against no-license. * * * Well, he wint dead against Bedford, an’ said that teetotallers were no good in the late war, that he nivir heard av a grate man that was an abstainer, an’ that a sober man makes a betther criminal than a drunken wan by rayson av bein’ more methodical and cunnin’. Katie’s got quite mixed up betwane the two, but ses she to me —‘ Denis, I’ve wit enough lift to see the wake shpot in Mr Deegan’s argymint, for if a sober rogue is cliverer at his work than a drunken wan, sure isn’t a sober man likely to be a better mimber av society than a drinker ?’ * * * ‘ Tbrue for ye, achusla,’ ses I, ‘ but ye mushn’t be too hard on the publicans, Katie, for ye see they’re fightin’ for their bread an’ butter, its a mrtter av pounds, shillings an’ pence wid thim, an’ the contist betwixt thim an’ the teetotallers reminds me av the Jew boy tbat was fightin’ wid a little Gentile. The Gentile kept hittin’ the Jew on the nose, but he nivir budged a shtep. He shtayed in wan place all the time, an’ the other fellow jumped all round him an’ got home blow afhter blow. The Jew boy’s father was lukin’ on, an’ seein’ his son gettin’ the worst av it, he shouted —‘ Yy don’t you shump about, Ikey ? Can’t you see he keeps hittin’ you?’ ‘I can’t move, fader,’ ses Ikey— ‘ I’ve got my foot on a sixpence- ’ * * * An’ thin Corney chipped in, an’ ses he —‘ Mr Deegan’s been tellin’ the Dunedin paple tbat a lot av doctors have expressed strong approval of alcohol, both as a stimulant an’ for social purposes, includin' Sir Henry Thomson, but there musht be two Sir Henry Thomsons,’ ses Corney, ‘for in a book on ‘ Diet in relation to age an’ activity,’ by Sir Henry Thomson, he sbtarts aff by sayin’ that enough, and more than enough perhaps, has,been uttered concerning the prejudicial effects on the body of habitually using alcoholic beverages.’ * # * ‘ But, Corney,’ ses Bedalia, lukin’ up from wan av ‘ The New Idea ’ patterns that she’s thryin’ to make out, ‘ye shud be quite fair, an’ add that Sir Henry Thomson thinks that a lot av harm is done by oyer-eating as well as over-drinking.’ ‘ Thank ye for nothin’, Bedalia,’ ses Corney, ‘for, as Mr Bedford axed us —‘ Did ye ivir see a man sbtaggerin’ out av a butcher’s shop owin’ to the intoxicatin’ effects av a mutton chop ?’ * * * 4 Howld your whist, childer,’ ses I, 4 for talkin’ av mate reminds me that both av ye’ll have to be afhter seein’ Mr Russell an’ takin’ out fishin’ licenses by way av kapin’ down the butcher’s bill. The price av mate’s gone up wid lapes an bounds, an’ I see by the papers that the butchers want Is 6d a pound for shins an’ 2/- a lb for legs av beef. ‘ Ye don’t mane it, Denis,’ ses Katie. 4 I do that,’ ses I, 4 It’s in the Times an’ the News, an’ as ye know, they’re both like George Washington, an’ niver told a lie. An’ that’s not all, Katie, for I see the butchers are retailin’ boulders at 5d a lb. They must be goin’ to get their supply from the Borough Council’s quarry, an’ by the same token I see that body intends to

sell thim by weight instead av by the yard in future. Thin Katie burst out laffin, 4 Why, Denis,’ ses she, 4 ’tis the papers have made the nice mishtake —it shud be Is 6d an’ 2s ache for legs an’ shins, an’ as for boulders, don’t ye know that’s another name for shoulders F Ye shud join the Athenaeum, Denis, an’ improve yer education.’ 4 It’s all very well, Katie, to be fnnnin’,’ ses I, 1 4 but if the cosht of livin’ goes up as it’s been doin’ av late, ’tis goin’ out to Lome Farm we’ll have to be.’ ‘ Ye shud take short views av life, Denis,’ ses Katie, an’ cultivate a continted spirit, like the ould darkey that was found by an expidition sent by Uncle Sam for the relief of sufferers by the Mississippi floods. He was in a broken-down skiff, which he was havin’ considerable trouble to kape afloat. When the relafe boat came within hailin’ distance he was busy paddlin’ with one hand, an’ balin’ out his craft wid* the other. The captain av the relafe boat called out to him— 4 Hello, there, uncle ! What do you want?’ ‘Nothin’ but wings, boss,’ ses Sambo.’ * # * Och, but ’tis sorry I am to see that me frind Mr McNab has such a poor opinion av his fellow-craythurs. As ye know, Mr Editor, be doesn’t suffer from the eternal want av pince that is said to vex public min, an’ ses he at Gore : —“ Compare the labour member with his £240 to the wealthy election candidate worth £5,000 a year. The latter’s name beaded every subscription list, and the influence it had on the election was inestimable. Immediately he (the speaker) announced himself as a candidate for the coming election, he informed all institutions of which he had been placed at the head that he would not give a red cent in subscriptions, and he would attempt to show that it was not impossible to win an election within such methods.” To think that the electors ’ud vote for a man because he headed a subscription list ! Av coorse, in wan way it may be said tbat Mr McNab’s the soul of chivalry, for he’s not goin’ to take an advantage over anny poor man that likes to come out aginst him, but all the same I’m afraid the elections are goin’ to be mighty dry affairs. * * * What I can’t make out at all, at all, is how paple are so anxious to get in Parliamint, whin, accordin’ to Mr McNab, it nearly ruins some av them. As he towld thim at Gore ;—He knew of labour members that had been previously getting their 10s per day, and from that they were enabled to put by a competency for' their old age. They had got into the House, and in an incredibly short space of time they bad no balance at the bank and a good-sized mortgage on their homes. He repeated that £240 per year was not a living wage for a member without private means. * * * Afther this, Mr Editor, whin anny wan axes me to come out for Invercargill or anny other sate, I’ll thrate thim in the same way as the little boy did the parson. Ses he : 4 Mother, I met our new minister on the way to Sunday-school, and he asked me if I ever played marbles on Sunday.’ Mother : 4 H’m ; and wbat did you say to that ?’ Willie : ‘ I said, 4 Get tbee behind me, Satan,’ and walked right off and left him. * A correspondent writes to say that me frind Sylvester, him that’s so clivii at thrioks, was in a prohibition district wan night, an’ gave a performance, an’ this is what happened —av coorse you’ll not howld me responsible for the correctness av the shtory, which has a Yankee flavour about it, but here it is for what it’s worth: — ‘ I am now about to undertake a feat,’ ses he, 4 in which I shall require the use of a pint flask of whisky.’ There was a dead silence, and Sylvester began to look blank. 4 Surely,’ ses he, ‘ in a prohibition town, I ought not to have to ask a second time for such a thing. I give

you my word of honour I will return it uninjured. Is there no ’ ‘ Stranger,’ ses a tall gaunt man, as he rose slowly from a front seat, ‘ wouldn’t a quart flask do just as well ?’ ‘ Why, certainly. I merely ’ But, before he could finish, the generous, open-handed audience had risen like one man, and was on the way to the platform in a body. * * «= ‘ Get away wid ye, Denis,’ ses Katie, ‘ that’s another av thim Clutha shtories, but if all’s thrue that I hear they’ll have to alter it wan av these days, for they say that a compressed spirits company, with a capital stock av 1,000,000 dolls., is bein’ formed in’ New York. The factory will turn out whisky an’ wine in compressed tablets, an’ the solid drinks will be on the market before Christmas.’ ‘ The very thing,’ Katie, ses I, ‘ an’ when the new system’s in force ye can luk into Mrs Millar’s or the Geisha Tea Rooms for lemonade tablets, an’ I’ll see some av the grocers for’Quid Tom drops, an’ whisky crames, an’ such like. 4 Twill be mighty handy, an’ a body’s pockets won’t bulge out the way they do now.’ * Grate complaints are rachin’ me about the way some av our business uaple sind to Dunadin for things they cud get done equally well here, but perhaps at a thrifle higher cosht. Wan man ses we ought to boycott min that do that sort av thing, an’ let the sons an’ daughters av their own customers go idle, an’ he ses there was a grate row in Dunedin lately because an outsider was called in to do some work that shud have gone to a ratepayer. He ses that if we were as keen in that way here as they are there, the town ’ud go ahead quicker than it does. * * *■ I’m not ready to say on the spur av the minnit what shud be done, but manetime here’s the way that a longheaded Scotchman solved the problem : A Free Church minister called on his baker, a member of the church, to say that the ‘ store ’ was selling its bread a penny cheaper, and as he must buy in the cheapest market he would close his account with the baker. Not to be outdone, the baker sent on Saturday night, while the church was being cleaned, removed his cushions and his books, and procured two of Spurgeon’s sermons for twopence. On Monday morning the clergyman called on the baker and said — ‘ Good morning, Mr S . Is anything wrong, anybody ill, any misfortune befallen you, or what ?’ ‘ Naething that I ken o’,’ answered the baker placidly. ‘ We’re a’ weel eneuch.’ ‘Oh, I, am so glad to hear that,’ ses the clergyman wid a gasp, ‘ but you are such regular attendants at church, and as the pew was quite empty at both services yesterday, I was afraid, so I called to see.’ ‘Oh. that’s naething,’ remarked the baker unconcernedly. ‘Ye see ye hae begun a new arrangement aboot buyin’ the bread that perisheth elsewhere, so I thooht I wad begin a new system for the supply o’ ray speeritual bread, sae we had a kirk o’ oor ain at hame yesterday, an’ we had tuppence worth •o’ Spurgeon, maist refreshin’, an’ a’ thegither we had a real nice quiet day wi’oot troublin’ the kirk. An’ ye see its a great deal cheaper, for we can get the gospel at hame ilka Sabbath for the tuppence wi’oot troublin’ ye. We’re jist buyin’ oor gospel as ye buy yer bread —in the cheapest market.’ ‘ Oh, I see, I understand,’ exclaimed the clergyman, slightly confused. ‘ I think we had better go on as before. That view of the matter never occurred to me.’ ‘ Thats a peety,’ said the baker, dryly. ‘However, I am quite willin’ tae gang on as before.’ The bread for the Free Church manse is being delivered as formerly. DENIS.