The Contributor.

Southern Cross, Volume 9, Issue 2, 13 April 1901, Page 5

The Contributor.

DENIS DISCOURSES. p t Dear Mr Editor, —I lukt in vane for ye at the Bluff on Good Friday, whin Katie an’ mesilf thried to get aff to Stewart Island wid the tug. All the same ’twas glad I was ye didn’t turn up, for there was no gettin’ on board at all at all, an’ we were lift lamentin’ on the wharf like Miss Ullin’s dad in the school book. I’m tow Id that ’twas the Customs paple that objected to lettin’ anny more of us go on board in case av overcrowdin’, but begorra they’ve got mighty particular since the time whin the t.hroops were landed from the Britannic, whin the vessel that tindered them was packed wid sodgers like herrins in a cask. We wudn’t have cared so much at bein’ kept back but for disappointin’ Mrs O’Beilly, who had sint us a special invitation to come over to the island. Katie thought ay goin’ up the hill an’ heliographin’ to her friend, but finally decided to wait till J.G. puts the cable across, an’ manewhile we’ll consult the family solicitor as to damages against the harbour board for unlawful detintion at the Bluff. * * * Talkin’ av sodgers, ’tis the fine letlher I’ve had from Willington describin’ the departure av the Seventh Contingent on Saturday lasht. Me correspondent says that whin the men marched down to the wharves to board the throopship the crowd was so great that they pushed the police out av the road an’ swarmed on to the wharves, in spite av the big iron gates. Och, but ’twas thin New Zealand’s Premier was seen to advantage. As the crowds came pourin’ in Mr Seddon stud on the quarter-deck an yelled oat — * Shtop the crowd !’ ‘ Shut those gates.’ ‘Shore, Denis,’ writes me frind, ‘he reminded me for all the wurruld av Ajax defyin’ the lightnin’, but not even Dick Seddon cud shtop the paple from seein’ the lasht av the throopers, an’ so the admission by ticket only turned out a dismal failure. As the min marched by, Denis, who shod I see among thim but your ould frinds Bob Todd, J. Willett, Duncan McGregor, Alick Forbes, Harry Hinton, Jitr Denniston, George Aitken, an’ Mills. Begorra, I was proud av our bhoys, Denis, an’ whativir else ye put in or lave out be sore an’ mintion that whin I shuk hands wid thim they all asked to be kindly remimbered to Invercargill relations an' frinds. * *

Ivirybody has been talkin’ about the number av shtrangers that we had this Easter; an’ I can tell ye, Mr Editor, that the eyes av some av thim were opened. ‘ Why,’ ses wan man from Christchurch, who lukt us up for the first time, ‘lnvercargill’s twice as big as I thought it was.’ * Well,’ ses another from Dunedin, ‘ if we had only these fine wide shtreets, Dunedin ’ud be the liveliest city in the wurrld,’ an’ so on. To hear thim talkin’ reminded me av the first time I honoured Glasgow wid me presince. ‘ So you’re an Irishman,’ ses a woman to me. ‘ I am that,’ ses I. ‘ An’ ye come frae Ireland,’ ses she. ‘ldo that,’ ses I. ‘Well,’ ses she, ‘ I dinna ken much aboot it, but I’m telt its a kind o’ country place. ‘ No ma’am,’ ses I, ‘ quite the contbrary. Shure the paple’s that thick there’s no room for hens to lay eggs, an’ the inhabitants have been goin’ out for years an’ years to make homes for thimselves in America an’ the colonies.” * * * ’Tis shtrange the quare notions that paple have about paple an’ places they’ve nivir seen. It isn’t ivirybody can be equal to the occasion like the ould Irishwoman that kept a fruit stall in a market town, aa’ had some watermelons on her stall for sale. A smart Yankee, wishing to ‘take a rise ’ out av her, picked up one av the melons, an’ said: ‘ These are small apples you grow over here. In America ,ve have them twice this

size.’ The woman slowly removed the pipe from her lips, surveyed her inquirer from head to foot, an’ exclaimed : ‘ Bejabers, sorr, ye must be a shtranger here, and know very little about the fruit av our counthry, whin ye can’t tell apples from gooseberries ! ’ * * * Och, but ’twas the grate sights an’ scanes I’ve been witnessin’ at the Zealandia Hall this week. Shore, ’tis the proud man Signor Borzoni must be afther seein’ the way his pupils obey his word of command. Out av much to admire, the swate young colleens got up as dragoons tuk me fancy most. Wid natty little caps perched on the top av their brunette or auburn locks, an’ shtraps restin’ on the lovely chins av thim, ’twas killin’ they lukt, an' if they cud have got widin coo-ee av De Wet ’tis mesilf do be thinkin’ he’d av surrendered as quickly as wan av the candidates for the Invercargill Mayoralty did the night I was there. Shure, he must have a big house to howld all the screens an’ cushions, an’ other things that he wint in for. * * * Katie has got another notion in her head now. She’s been readin’ av the grate money made in America an’ elsewhere by poulthry keepin’, an’ wants to give it a thrial. I towld her ’twas no use thryin’ to make money now-a-days. ‘ How’s that, Denis ? ’ ses she. ‘ Why,’ ses I, ‘ the Thrades an’ Labour Council in Dunedin has passed a resolution in favour av “ the curl ailment by the State av the individual acquisition av wealth, aither b} an increased probate duty, or by a wealth tax, or by direct legislation.” ’ ‘Well,’ ses Katie, ‘’tis hard that all me little plans sbud be upset in this way, an’ if I can't get a chance av makin’ something for Corney an’ Bedalia, why don’t ye

bring out an invintion, Denis —a new bicycle like me frind Hagerty, or a casthor like me frind Richardson ? ’ ‘ Because, Katie,’ aes I, ‘ I’ve nivir had anny luck at annything I’ve thned. I do belave that if I’d invinted casthors, for example, paple ’ud have been born wid thim on, an’ so frustrated me hopes av becomin’ a millionaire.’ * * * Just at this point Angus McGregor came in, an’ ses be, harpin’ on his ould notions about Socialism, ‘the warld’s gie ill managed, I’m thinkin.’ ‘ What’s . wrong now, Angus,’ ses I. ‘ Listen to this item,’ ses he, ‘ frae Melbourne, aboot yin Dr Springthorpe, who has pit up a monument tae his deid wife :—lt is a pillared edifice after the fashion of a Greek temple ; under which is a recumbent presentment of the lady, with an angel by her side and a figure of Grief at her feet—all in purest marble, splendidly carved. Report says it cost £BOOO. How the public does flock out by tram to see it ! On Sunday afternoon there is scarcely standi ig room in the , cemetery. ‘ Well, Angus,’.ses I, ‘ What’s wrong wid that ?’ ‘ Weel,’ ses he, ‘in the self-same paper that published that the followin’ appeared : A deputation of the unemployed waited on Lord Hopetoun and complained that they were not properly treated by the Government. They threatened to make a counter-demon-stration on the Duke of Cornwall’s arrival to show him that if half the people were rejoicing the other half were suffering, and were starving and moneyless. ‘ Koo,’ ses Angus, ‘ dae ye ca’ that a richt state o’ things ?’ * * * ‘ Well,’ ses I, ‘ the man’s money’s his own, an’ ye can’t deny that he gave a lot av employment to get the monument up. ‘ Tuts man,’ ses Angus, ‘ ye micht as weel tell me that the man that pits up a big mansion o’ thirty or forty rooms is a public benefactor.’ ‘ So he is, Angus.’ ‘ He’s naething o’ the kind, Denis, for if his money was distributed among a number o’ people the hail o’Jthem could hae hooses o’ four or five rooms each, instead o’ twa or three. Noo, wad that no be better for the workers than bein’

| employed to build a big yin for one man F’ * * * ‘Av coorse it wad, Mr McGregor,’ ses Katie, before I cud shpake. ‘ Why, Katie,’ ses I, ‘ye shud be the lasht to go in for equality av opportunity, as the Socialists call it. Shure didn’t ye set to cryin’ wid vexation whin ye came home from Mrs Flanaghan’s because she had a betther drawin’ room suite than you had.’ ‘ Well, Angus,’ ses I, £ I must admit the matther’s more serums than I thought, as the policeman said whin he examined a broken window an’ found it was broke on both sides.’ * * * A touchin’ little shtory av kindly falin’ on the part av wan Invercarcargill school gyrul for another raches me. The class was at hiathory. an’ whin they came to a sintence which said that a king crossed a river wid a a large force, ‘ now,’ ses the tacher, ‘ what does that mane ?’ ‘lt manes,’ says a bright little gyrul in the front row, but in a very low voice, ‘ that he crossed the river wid an army.’ ‘ Sphake up,’ ses the tacher, ‘ I’m sure none av the others at the back cud hear ye. Did anny av ye gyruls hear her ?’ ‘ Please sir, I did,’ ses wan. ‘ Well, an’ what did she say ?' sea he. ‘That the King crossed the creek wid a banana,’ ses the little wan, thinkin’ to help the front row gyrul. The whole class laughed, an’ so did the tacher. ‘Well,’ ses Katie, ‘ ’fcwas kindly done anny way, an’ she must have belonged to the League av Ministerin’ Children, to be so ready to help a companion in throuble.’ # * * ‘ Shpakin’ av school children,’ ses Katie, I heard a good shtory the other day. Some little wans were havin’ an object lesson on birds. The tacher called attention to the shmall tail av the shwamp turkey, an’ said it had no tail to spake av. The next day she axed the class to write a description av the bird, an’ wan little child closed the essay in the followin’ sthvle : —‘ The shwamp turkey has a tail, but it must not be talked about.’ * * # Mrs McGregor came round the other night in a grate state av excitement. ‘ Why,’ ses I, ‘ye luk as if ye’d been takin’ part in the manoeuvres at the Birth av the Empire in the Zealandia Hall.’ ‘I wantnaneo’ yer haverins, Denis,’ ses she, ‘ for I’ve

just heard tell o’ a far mair important event up in East Invercargill, where a young freen o’ mine is the prood faither o’ triplets, an’ the hail o’ them are daein’ weel.’ ‘Well done,’ ses Katie; ‘ share, if the Duke an’ Duchess don’t come here afther that, nothing’ll bring thim. I wudn’t mind bettin’ that the little innocents av East Invercargill will be the first recipients av Queen Alexandra’s bounty, for she’s bound to follow the , example av the late Queen an’ give a donation av three guineas in iviry case av thriplets. ’Tis so seldom it happens that it ought to be recognised. Share, the Queen lived a long life, an’ yet the bounty money only came to £300.’ * * * ‘ Weel,’ ses Mrs McGregor, ‘ bounty or no bounty, the hail neighbourhood is fair wild wi’ excitement; people are cornin’ frae far an’ near tae see the weans, an’ they’ll sune wear holes in the asphalt, an’ as for presents, they’re pourin’ in frae all quarters, for naebody comes empty-handed. One leddy was there a’ the way frae Tapanui.’ * * * Shure, ’twas wan av the hotelkeepers got nicely tuk in on av April, an’ him not aisy caught either. A boarder that loves a joke wint to a frind wid a hair-dressin’ saloon, an’ got fixed up wid shtickin’ plaster, a black eye, shirt collar open, vest pockets inside out, an’ watch danglin’ in front. Round they tuk him to the hotel in a covered van. The driver wanted to help to carry him, ‘ but for heaven’s sake,’ ses the landlord, ‘ take him round to the back door—the poor fellow’s in a deplorable state. He must have fell aff the thrane goin’ to the Bluff.’ So they lagged him upstairs to hi 8

bedroom, he doin’ Oonn the Shaughraun all the time. They put him to bed, but the minit their backs were turned he out av bed, washes, an’ fixes himself up, an’ down to the bar an’ axes for a lonej beer. Whin the landlord turned round he lukt as if he had seen a ghost, an’ ses he, ‘ didn’t I lave ye very ill in your bedroom just new ?’ ‘Me! ’ ses the other, ‘ are you thryin’ to be makin’ a fool av me,’ an’ thin the fun began. * ■* * Angus ses he’s convinced now that there’s no need for a Ratepayers’ Association since radin’ that the mayor av Timaru towld the Council that he didn’t want his salary raised, an’ actually voted against an increase of £SO, which was passed in spite av him. ‘ You’re right, Angus,’ ses I, for whinivir anny party or set av min thry to wurk for their own inds, instead av the general good, they get the worst av it in the long run. Det me illustrate the point. ‘ Why, the time was,’ said a passenger on a thrane, ‘ when we had our district so well in hand that we could elect a brindle pup to any offee we chose to nominate him for.’ ‘ And you can’t do it now ?’ queried another passenger. ‘ I should say not. The other fellows have beat us three to one in the last two elections.’ ‘ To what do you attribute the change ?’ ‘ Well, lam inclined to think the reason is that when we had the power we elected too many brindle pups.’ Denis.