The Contributor.

Southern Cross, Volume 8, Issue 31, 24 November 1900, Page 5

The Contributor.

DENIS DISCOURSES. Dear Mb Editor, Sure there was no need for you to sind me an apology lasht wake —I knew whin I opened the paper that a misthake had been made in me discourse about the man who paid his creditors. Put it right this time* an’ say no more about it. Nivir apologise if ye can help it —’tis a desperate bad habit. A Scotchman wance waited on the late Dr Johnson, an’ knowin’ he had a powerful down on Scotchmen, says he, apologisin’ like, ‘ I come frae Argyle.’ ‘Well,’ says the ould doctor, ‘don’t be frettia’ about it.’ Act on that advice, Mr Editor, whinivir ye go wrong, if Editors ivir do. * * * . What a quare thing human nature is ! I see by the papers that up North a bankrupt who owed about £SOO, an’ who swore he had neither assets nor expectations, refused to pay his creditors whin he unexpectedly came in for a legacy of £3OOO. He had’nt got his discharge, so his creditors tuk him to court, an’ although he had a lawyer to defind hirr, the judge ordered the assignee to aJow the proofs av debt. * * * ‘ I wud have thought, ’ ses Katie, ‘ he’d have been only too glad to pay whin be got a windfall like that. Why - I rimimber an Invercargill citizen wance that had to file through sheer misfortune, an’ he said nothin’ to nobody, but worked away an’ saved away, an’ invested his money carefully, an’ wan fine Hew Tear’s mornin’ iviry wan av his creditors got a cheque apiece in payment in full.’ ‘That’s the sort av man I cud take aff me hat to, Katie,’ says I. ‘ Sure he’s a rale white man, dn’ if there was more like him creditors wouldn’t burst out lafiin’, as I have seen thim do, whin a debtor tells thim he’ll see that they’re paid in full bye an’ bye.’ * * I read out to Katie from the papers the other night that a huge python in the Perth Zoo, which had been fasting for two months, got into the quarters occupied by the ourangoutangs, and swallowed two of the latter. ‘ ’Tis well to be livin’ in a place, says she, ‘ that’s free from devourin’ craturs av that kind.’ ‘ Well, Katie,’ says I, wud ye be surprised to hear that we have a python in Invercargill.’ ‘ Get out wid ye, Denis, sure ’tis the grate bhoy ye are for jokin’.’ ‘ I’m in dead earnest, Katie, but the python I maue will do us all good and not harum. Sure its the Southland Implement an’ Engineering Co. It began, as ye know, in a modest way wid wan buildin’an’yard. Thin it absoibed wan wall av the Carriers’ Arms Hotel for a sign-board. It thin lepped over the hotel on the south side and tucked away a section an’ house nixt to Kirwan’s boot shop. I thought that it wud have stopped there, but over Kirwan’s it wint, an’ planted wan av Lord Robert’s pets in the nixt allotment as a sign av possession. Still more lately it tuk a runnin’ lape over Reid an’ Gray’s place on the north side, an’ annixed the section where the ridin’ gallery an’ the gospel tint used to be, an’ now they do be sayin’ that its hankerin’ afther the hotel, an another property north av wan av the yards. That’s the kind av python X like, Katie wan that swallows sections an’ turns out dredges an’ colonial drill harrows, an' ploughs an’ the like, an’ is the cause av a lot av labour bein’ employed An’ mind ye, Katie, ’tis far betther to have local pythons than wans imported from furrin’ parts —local industry is what we want, an’ our motto shud be loyalty to our own paple an’ district against all-comers.’ ‘ From wbat ye tell me, Denis, your python has adopted Lord Roberts’ envelopin’ plan av campaign.’ ‘He has that, Katie. Sure if he’d borrow two av Lord

Roberts’ war balloons an’ sind wan up in Leven strate and the other in Day strate, Reid an Gray ’ud be complately surrounded —'twould be a case av Guthrie to the lift av thim, Guthrie to the right av thim, Guthrie in front av thim, an’ Guthrie behind thim.’ *** Sure ’twas the grate time we had at the Park school lasht Tuesday wid flag unfurlin’. ’Twas the proud man was the masther, Mr Hain, wid the Governor and a Treasurer nfficiatin . Sure Mr Hain likes ivirything done dacently an’ in order. I always think av the story ye towld me about him, Mr Editor, whin ye had a report in the Cross av a bowlin’ match, an’ it spoke av the players as Andrew Raeside, an’ Tom Lock, an’ Jimmy Hain, an’ so on, an’ he towld ye afther that it was an awfnL report, an’ ye laffed and said ye supposed it was the absence av the ‘ mister ’ that he objected to, an’ he said it wasn’t so much the absence av the ‘ mister ’ as the prisence av the .* Jimmy.’ I think ye towld me that Mr Hain’s remark was what the Frinch call epigrammatic or rheumatic or something to that effect. * * * Troth the school boys an’ girls have been goin’ fair wild this wake, an’ no wonder. ’Tisastonishin’ the spirit av emulation that’s been created wid the flag business. Before it was arranged that the HoiwJ. G. wud spake at the two Park boy ses to a South Pole hoy, ‘ Sure we’ll bate ye hollow weVe got Ihe Governor for our school.’ ‘ Go on,’ ses the other, ‘ sure we’ve got J. G. Ward, an’ he’s as good as two Governors anny day.’ ‘ Well,’ ses the Park boy, not to be bate, ‘ our staff’s twinty fate higher than yours. ‘ But we started the business,’ ses the other by way av a partin’ shot. * * * Talkin av shot, did ye hear that four panes av glass were blown out av the South School. They do say that they nivir thought the Implirnint Co.’s pet was so strong, but some declare they wanted to show the Education Board that the buildin’ won’t lasht much longer. * * * I always thought the Southland Times bad a grate likin for the Pipe Band till Monday lasht, whin they made the Hon. J. G. Ward say that they wud soon be liftin’ their pipes beneath the sunny shores av Hew South Wales. Katie ses they’ll nivii sthand tratemint av that kind, seein’ they’re not so good at donnin’ drivin’ dresses an’ goin’ under the say as me ould frind Pollard av Clifton. Begorra that’s the man for a Harbour Board if ye like. * * ‘ Well,’ ses Katie, ‘ a pipe band’s dangerous cargo for a boat to carry, for I see that wan on the Clyde the other day was chased by a whale. 1 Sure,’ ses 1, ‘ he was lukin’ for the harp(oon) that wance through Tara’s halls.’ ‘ Get out wid ye,’ ses Katie, ‘ sure ye’re as bad as me ould frind Featberstone.’ ‘ What did he say, Katie.’ ‘ Well, whin we were out in the new tug, an’ the say was naakin’ wan or two luk a bit onaisy, someone ses, ‘ Will ye rache me a sandwich,’ an’ ses me frind, ‘ if we go much further we’ll be able to retch ye more than that.’ An’ wan av the ladies laffed an’ said, ‘ Oh, you (w)retch !’ * * * ‘ Yes,’ ses I, ‘ talkin’ av the ladies, ‘ wan purty colleen ses to a naval lukin’ chap, 4 the spray bas spoilt me dress.’ ‘No,’ ses be, wid a reassurin’ smile, that’s what we sailors call the dust aff the road.’ * * * . The word dust reminds me that it was pritty active at the Park School celebration, an’ whin we stharted to sing the National anthem a finelukin chap, an aide-de-camp I think ye call him, hild his belthopper in front av him, an’ whin he noticed how it was coated wid dost, he commenced to blow all over an’ all round it, an’ soon it was a case av— ‘ Send (puff) her (puff) victorious (puff) long to (puff) reign over us (puff, puff).’ Whin I saw how handy he

was at combinin’ loyalty widgodliness (claneness bein’ nixt to it) 1 thought av what ould Charlie Bradshaw said wance. Somebody towld him that the Goldin Age hotel was bein’ lift out in the cold entoirely, that the Governor an’ his staff had been in all the other hotels. ‘ That’s nothin’ ses Charlie, ‘ sure I had ’im an’ his handy chaps here half-an-hour ago.’ ‘ Handy chaps ’ is just the word, an’ its easier said than the other. * * * The first man to deliver a set spache at the Park School was mo ould frind, Mr Aspray, an’ ye’ll niver belave it, but wan ould lady tnk him for the Governor, an’ whin someone coughed wid the dust, * Hush,’ says she, ‘ I want to catch iyiry word av His Excellency.’ * * * ‘ That was a natural error,’ ses Katie, ‘ but did ye see the onnatnral way the Times thrated the Governor. Why, they tuk wan av the best parts av his second address, the bit about the Birkenhead, an’ grafted it on to Dr Smyth’s remarks, although he wasn’t wantin’ any assistance, seein’ how well he did himself. * * * The Bluff looked its best with banners and band, And the new post office, Dexia says it was grand, Dressed out with, flags from street kerb to tower, Hurrah for our member —may he be long in power! Now come down the wharf, and there you will find The Harbour’s new tow boat —she’ll pleasure your mind. Miss Ward broke the bottle and spilt the champagne, And christened the tow boat —Theresa Ward is the name. Ihe steam it was up —for a cruise we did go, Outside of the harbour a full mile or so, And on# of the members he kept mo in tow, While the grog fore and alt like salt water did flow. The boat is A 1 we all with one voice did confess, And Katie and Denis wish her every success. * * Och, but ’twas the grand day we had at the Bluff on Widnesday. After seein’ the tug christened by Eileen Mavourneen, we met the late King Topi’s son an’ heir, an’ invited him to see the post affice opened. He lukt at Angus an’ me in a sleepy kind av a way, an’ ses he, ‘ its been open all the time.’ So we gave him up, an’ wint aff to luk at Ward’s parade. ‘Weel,’ ses Angus, ‘this toon’s no richt named ava. There’s J. G. Ward’s name at Ocean Beach, J. G. Ward’s stores here, an’ his name’s in the post affice an’ the Harbour Board buildins’, an’ its on the sea, an’ the only place that’s free o’t is the bit sky,' ‘ An’ faith,’ ses I, the nixt move’ll be a flyin’ ship for the Bluff, an’ thin ye’ll have W ird in the air as well as on land an’ say.’ * * *= ‘Speakin’ o’ the sea,’ ses Angus, ‘ I hae been tryin’ the salt water cure for indigestion. I tak a cupfn’ twa or three times a day. Dae ye think it safe to try yin noo, Denis ?’ ‘ Well,’ says I lukin’ round, ‘ I don’t think a capful ’ud be missed.’ I’m no sae sure o’ that,’ says he, ‘for I’m telt that the fire brigade canua get a drop to practice wi’ wi’out a speecial permit frae the Board.’ ‘ Tuts ! ses I, ‘ ye mane the fresh wather from the reservoir.’ * * * But the openin’ av the Parade was the sight av the wurruld. There was a King from Winton, a D Gnn from Limehills (I hear the hearty tones av him still), a Green man from Gore, a Gold Smith from Invercargill, a Hunter an’ a wounded Slater from the Bluff, an’ legislators an’ perambulators —sure Noah’s ark or Barnum’s Menagerie cudn’t howld a candle to it. * * * -rrr‘Well,’ says a farmer from Winton way, ‘ ’tis a pity Invercargill hasn’t got a parade like this—’twould be the makin’ av it to that, to say nothin’ av a free library an’ a market for ns farmers to pass the time in. ‘ Well,’ ses 1, ‘ I won’t see Invercargill run down widout a word in her defince. If ye’ll come along nixt October ’tis the fine parade I’ll show you.’ * Where is it situated ?’ says

he. ‘ln the Quane’s Park,’ ses I. ‘Och,’ says he, quite huffy like, ‘ye mane the horse parade.’ # * * - ~ 'Twas the grate priperations Kings-, land was makin’ at the beginnin’ air the wake for J. G.’s banquet at the Bluff. His chief throuble was to get enough poulthry. Sure, hins must be scarce in Invercargill whin he had to sind to Georgeson at the Bluff for some, an’ ’twas ould identities some av thim were, for afther the banquet I had to go to MacGoun to get my teeth sharpened again. * * * ’Twas a grate day at the Bluff, an’ afther the trip on the tug an’ the shampain an’ the real pain, an’ the etceterys, I cud 'not resist the timptation to stay to the banquet. Katie an’ I met a grate many frinds there, an’ Katie had so much to say to Mrs Bose an’ Mrs Pinnerty, that I lift thim an’ wint on me own. ’Twas the grate spache J. G. made, an’ by the reciption he got from the Bluff paple I’m thinkin’ its no c safe to say anything agin him there. * # # Me frind Gilfedder towld a very good story about a man oh the West Coast, who axed a Chinayman which he liked best, a Scotchman or an Irishman. The Chinaman replied — ‘ Scotcheeman allee same close, too mean, Ilishman, him welly good fellow, allee same Chinayman.’ Tis meself is puzzled whether to take that as a compliment or not. Denis.