The Contributor.

Southern Cross, Volume 8, Issue 31, 17 November 1900, Page 5

The Contributor.

DENIS DISCOURSES. Dear Mr Editor, —Excuse me beginnin’ wid the weather, but it’s been in iverybody’s mouth av late, like the dust in Invercargill on the 9th av Novimber, Katie spint the day at Winton, an’ on returnin’ tould me she had enjoyed herself till she heard some visitors from Timaru runnin’ tlown our lovely climate, an’ sayin’ how it was always blowin’ grate guns. ‘An’ what did ye say, Katie ?’ 4 Well, to tell ye the truth, Denis,’ says she, ‘ I never uttered a word. How cud I afther the way we’ve been trated av late V’ ‘ Katie,’ says I, layin’ down my dhudeen, and givin’ her the sort av luk that Helps had whin he laid hands on.me for rheumatism, ‘ if ye’d rade the papers as ye shud ye’d have been able to tell the Timaruffians that our wind doesn’t blow down cottages as it does in their village by the say. Tou shud av been like the ould man on the coast av Ireland, Katie, Whin he was givin’evidence before a Fisheries Commission, he was determined that his village shudn’t play second fiddle to any other, an’ ivery fish that was mentioned he said cud be found in the say in his part av the country. At last wan av the mimbers says surcastic like: —‘ I suppose you’ll be sayin’ you have dog-fish here.’ ‘ We have that, ye’re honor,’ says the ould man. ‘ Sure, we can’t slape at nights for the barkin’ av the bastes.’ That’s the kind av man ye ought to be, Katie. Bat as I said before, rade the papers. # ‘ Rade the papers, indade,’ says Katie, tossin’ her raven’ locks, ‘ What depindence can ye be afther placin’ on them when in wan edition they tell ye that news came from Riverton that the captain av the new tug was dyin’, an’ the mate very ill, an’ faver aboard, an’ thin next day say the whole thing was a hoax ? Sure it was a disappointed woman I was, for 1 had intended to offer me services as nurse, seein’ all our nurses are away in the Transvaal. ‘ Katie.’ ses 1. the thing’s aisly explained. I see from the report av the passage that they had a heavy confused say across the Bay av Biskay, then a heavy cross say, thin a heavy confused say, thin a very confused say, next a strong gale wid a heavy confused say, an’ finally, whin lavin’ Adelaide, strong winds, wid heavy confused say. Sure, after all that confusion, ’twas only natural they should mistake Tweedie’s flourmill chimney stack at Riverton for J. G. Ward’s frazin’ works at Ocean Beach, an’ that the good people av Riverton, seein’ the yellow funnel av the tug, shud have fancied it was put up as a faver flag. * * * Sure ’tis mesilf has had the fine time wid the sojers. We had a big fight on the sandhills at the beach on the 9tb. Ye’d have died laffin’ to see some av the big guns av the companies I mane the officers — doin’ orderly duty on horseback. Talk about the pome called ‘ How we brought the good news to Ghent,” sure ’twas nothing to the style in which Capt Murphy, wid his pony, kept the line av communication open, wid Capt Dunlop and Q.M. (whativir that manes) Russell on his flanks. The attrition they paid that pony was wonderful ; but begorra he had his rivinge on Sunday morning, for he tuk a fall out av Capt, Dunlop, an’ sint him flyin’ over his quarters in an illigant fashion. That same pony is wan av the grandest chargers I ivir saw, an’ so for the matter av that are all the boys—the way they charged the dinner was a sight for a blind man. ’Tis grate praise they have for cook Taylor—they say he cud make soup out av a barbed wire fince that wud sthick to your collar. Talkin’ av collars, whin the Pipe Band came up flayin’ ‘ Shall we gather at the xnver,’ 1 thought some av thim had too much collar, for accordin’ to the regulations they shud have neither collars nor trousers. Katie agreed wid me, an’ also towld

| me she didn’t like the sojers’ caps—i that they put her in mind av a new J moon wid the two sharp points. ‘ Nivir mind the head-dress,’ ses I, ‘ the boys have got hearts like lions an’ chests like tin gun batteries, an’ ’twould be a poor chance the enemy ’ud have if they tried to take Dan Coakley’s hotel.’ * * * . ‘ True for ye, Denis,’ says Katie, ‘ an’ talkin’ av difince the Governmint has ordered me frind Warder Hawkins to build an ironclad at the bridge in Clyde street to defind the Bank av Hew Zealand. They’ve got the sides plated up, an a mast rigged up, an’ wid H.M.S. Vulcan an our bhoys at the foundry I don’t think they’ll let a mamav-war go through the streets if they can hilp it. * * * ’Twas a grand sight we had on Monday night whin Surg.-Oaptain MacLeod put the Garrison Band through stritcber an’ bearer drill, gettin boys to lie down on the ground and min to carry thim away on stritchers. Katie laffed, ‘ an’ Denis,’ says she, ‘ doesn’t that remind ye av the night at the theatre whin Kinnedy played ‘ Con the Shaughraun ’ ?’ ‘ It does, Katie,’ says I, ‘ but the dog didn’t worry the corpse the way that dog is worryin’ that boy ; but where are the rest av the sojers ?’ ses I. ‘ .Diggin’ graves for the other,’ ses wan, an’ whin we wint to see thim, there they were diggin’ away wid picks an shovels. ‘How deep do you want thim,’ says wan man. ‘ Knee deep,’ ses an officer av that name. ‘ What a blessin’ its not the depth av the captain av the Merc in tiles,’ says wan perspirin’ sojer av the Qaane. Thin the adjutant ses, ‘ Five shillins’ for the first done,’ an’ three finished at the same time, an’ bein’ a man av his word, down comes the money. ‘ Kow,’ ses he, ‘ you that’s bin standin’ laffin’ take the shovels an’ fill up the holes again.’ ‘ Denis,’ says Katie, ‘ that’s what you call raan-av-war fashion — do an’ do.’ ‘ That is lamin’ the min their drill,’ says I. * * * , On Widnesday mornin’ the miu wint out in sections to examine the ground, an’ get a sight for the railway workshops. They have sounded the ground they wint over, an’ a sketch av the same is to be laid before the Minister av Railways, * * * In the afternoon the great evint av the wake, the sham fight, tuk place, an’ Katie thinks that the relate av Mafeking was child’s play beside it. Whin the attackers got near the defiuders, Katie says, ‘ Sure, if they’re not careful they’ll be after blowin’ their heads aff,’ an’ sure e»uff a minute later we saw a cap flyin’ in the air, an were towld afterwards that wan private, after callin’ on another to surrender, had fired at him at two yards distance, an’ peppered his face badly. ‘ ’Twas lucky it wasn’t me neck,’ -as the Irishman said whin he bruk his leg an’ paple consoled wid him. * * * During a lull in the battle Katie an’ 1 hiked over to the Middle School an’ tuk a resarved chair close alongside the Mayor av our town, to witness the unfurlin’ av the new flag, wid musical honours. .Presently Willie Stirling noticed the Mayor, an’ called him up on deck to make a spache. An’ he did to. Sure, he said he had not come prepared to make a spache, as he hadn’t been invited. Thinks I to me self, ‘ what are ye doin’ here, then ?’ But, me friend Goldie made a nate spache, an’ I admired the fine manly way he said he wudn’fc go behind the chaiiman’s back, in sayin’ ha hadn’t been invited. Me blood was just beginnin’ to boil wid indignation, an’l noticed me friend McNab, who is acquainted wid rows in. Parliament, quietly slip aff the deck an’ get away among the crowd, thinkm’, in the words av me frind J.G.’s song ; ‘There’s bound to be a row,’ whin up jumped Mr Mehaffey, an’ says he, in his clear cut tones, ait’ wid that mixture ay politeness an’ stateliness that sits so well on him, an’ always reminds me av the ould Admiral in

Pinafore— ‘ Mr Mayor 'tis mistaken ye are, for I sint a deputation to ask ye to attind, but ye pladed another, engagement, an’ now,’ says me frind, the public have both sides av the question.’ ‘ Denis,’ says Katie, ‘ let us lave this.’ ‘ I don’t mind a schoolmaster correctin’ a boy or a girl, but whin it comes to the Mayor av an’ important city like Invercargill ’tis tears av mortification I cud be sheddin’ * * * I wint to the Bluff lasht Monday morning to mate,Katie’s brother Pat, who was cornin’ from Milbonrne in the Monowai for the sheep shearin’. The sthamer not bein’ in whin I got there, I spint the toime lukin’ at the new buildings, etcetery. ’Tis the illigant post affice they have, both as to size an’ Inks. Share they must sell a lot av stamps in the Bluff, I’m thinkiu. As I wint down to the wharf, who shud I see on the beach but my frind Gladstone the invintor wid some sort av a conthrivance on the end av a rope, an’ himself was pallin’ at the other end. Ses I to him, £ Gladstone,’ ses I, ‘ what’s that you have.’ Ses he, ‘ ’tis a patent anchor, Denis.’ ‘ Share an’ ’twas meself thought ’twas a sawmill you was aft her startin’,’ an’ well might I be thinkin’ that same, for the affair is made up av two circular saws, wan wid teeth and the other widout. But good luck to you, Gladstone, me bhoy, an’ its meself knows nothing about the say, so take no notice av what I said ; the thrip I had to Ruapuke ‘ sickened’ me av the say.’ * * ■* Our Fire Brigade had a call out on on Wednesday night, an' as something wint wrong wid the telephone they cud not get to know where the fire was. A fireman niat up the tower an’ reported that there was a flare over Neil's buildings in Dee strate, an’ it was either a blaze or wan av the meteoric showers that the papers said was-due this month. So the brigade made for there like wan man, only to find that it was the lights belongin’ to two av the Corporation’s sanitary carts, so back to the station they goes, whin a messinger arrived wid the news that it was a boarding house in the Old Stag’s Head hotel in Spey strate, ap’ away they wint, only to rache it in time to see the lasht bucket av wather puttin’ out the cause av the alarm. * Me frind Angus wint to the Winton races on the 9th, an’ seem’ as ivery wan was bettin’ he thought he wud do a little av it himself, so he walks boldly up to a bookmaker an’ ses he, ‘ Gin I pit a shullin’ on a horse, an’ if he wins boo much wall I get ?’ ‘ Well,’ ses the bookie, ‘ if the horse starts at twenty to one, you will get twenty-one shillings; if at ten to one, eleven shillings ; and if at five to one, six shillings.’ ‘ Aye, aye,’ ses Angus, considerin’ like, ‘ an’ if the horse starts at one o’clock shairp, hoo much wall I get P’ In Angus’ own words £ the bookie fair gaspifc for breeth, and then flew tae the nearest public-house, as though old Beelzebub was aifter him.’ So Angus saved his shilling till we met in Dumbleton’s bar parlour in the avenin’ an’ washed the dust out av our mouths wid some av Sharp’s ser'ated water —the same as they have on tap at the Water Tower, * * .* A frind av mine had a quare experience lasht Saturday night Whin he was erossin’ the railway at Appleby just before the late outgoin’ train was due he saw the figger av an ould man lyin’ on the line. He tried to wake him up, but he only rowled over again. Thin me frind recognised him, £ an’ Dad,’ ses he, £ get up.’ £ Lave me alone, Johnny,’ ses Dad. £ I won’t,’ ses Johnny. £ Get up, or you’ll be killed by the train.’ ’Twas no joke, but begorra Johnny cudn’t help laffin’ whin Dad lukt up at him an’ ses, £ Johnny, me bhoy, the train nivir kilt me yib.’ Just thin the whistle blew, an’ Dad allowed himself to be taken out av the way av the train. But troth ’twas a narrow shave. # * * Afther the flag ceremony on Widnesday I wint down to the station

to see some frinds aff, and just as the chimes wint four o'clock a man came rcshin along ah’ shovin’ two tranks tranks an’ a bag under the sate, he ses, ‘ My word, I’ve had a ran for it.’ An’ thin he wiped his heated brow wid a banana (‘ ye mane a bandana, Denis,’ ses Katie), an ses T, ‘ troth ye cud have spared yerailf, for the train won’t lave for nearly two hours. ‘ What do you mane,’ says he, ‘ isn’t this the Riverton train P’ ‘ It is, sea I, ‘ hut it has been delayed,’ ses I. ‘ What for,’ ses he. ‘ The cyclin’ sports,’ ses I, an’ wid that he bounced out, an’ wint aff to Ink for the manager. Thinks I this is iaterestin so I waits till 4.15, whin the Winton usually laves, an’ sure enuff down comes another man in a big burry. Ye shad have seen how his face enlarged whin I towld him he cudn’t git away till 6.10 p.m. * * * Angus laffed whin I towld him. ‘ But,’ he ses, ‘ that’s naethin’ compared to yin o’ the ordinary trains to Clinton, It taks an oor an’ threequarters tae gang tae Edendale, 2o miles, an’ its no a delayed train either. I heard yin o’ thim commercial bodies hum min’ tae bimsel’ — ‘Ye’ll tak the railway an’ I’ll tak the highway, an’ I’ll be in Edendale afore ye.’ But never mind, Denis, when J. Gr. puts on his special passenger trains ye’ll no see the country ava, they’ll traivel that quick.’ * * * , ‘ I wad have thought,’ ses Katie, ‘ he’d have been only too glad to pay whin he got a windfall like that. Why I rimimber an Invercax’gill citizen wanes that had to file through sheer misfortune, au’ he said nothin’ to nobody, but worked away an’ saved away, an’ invested his money carefully, an’ wan fine New Year’s mornin’ iviry wan av his creditors got a cheque apiece in payment in full.’ ‘ That’s the sort av man I cud take aff me hat to, Katie,’ says I. ‘ Sure he’s a rale white man, an’ if there was more like him creditors wouldn’t burst out laffin ,as X have seen thim do, whin a debtor tells thim he’ll see that they’re paid in full bye an’ bye.’ * Whin 1 heard the other night that the Pipe Band wudn’t play at the games because the Society wudu’tgive thim the same fee as the Garrison Band, I thought ’twould be a case av Caledonians stern an’ wild wid the pipers ; but whin I met wan av thim he lukt quite pleasant. ‘ls it true,’ ses I, ‘ that ye’re goin’ to the Oamaru games on New Year’s Day instead av playin’ here. ‘ Oamaru indade !’ ses he, ‘ not a bit av it. We’re goin’ to be like the young lady ye towld us about lasht week, an’ kape ourselves cool for the Duke av York.’ ‘ Explain,’ ses I. ‘ Well,’ ses he, ‘ we’re goin’ to Sydney wid Seddon an’ Ward, an’ tbe rest av thim to the Commonwealth celebrations in Sydney, an’ the Duke av York, an’ Earl Hopetown, an’ all manner av big bugs ’ll be there, an’ best av all the Government’s to pay all our expinses.’ ‘ Well,’ ses Katie whin I towld her, ‘ Seddon bates all. He nivir misses a chance av advertisin’ New Zealand. It’s only the other day he promised Lord Ranfurly he’d send some pigs to Raratonga to improve the breed av the craturs there, an’ now he’s sindiu’ the pipe band to Sydney to catch rats.’ ‘ Catch rats,’ ses _I, ‘ what are ye drivin’ at, Katie.’ ‘ Sure, Denis, they’ll nivir let the Quane’s son into Sydney till they’re share all the rats is ouf av it, an’ whin I wint to school I used to rade a piece about a piper that played in a town infested wid rats, an’ they all followed him into a river an’ got drowned. Afther our band has played in Sydney ye’ll see something like this in the papers :

“ Out of the houses the rats came tumbling. Great rats, small rats, lean rats, brawny rats. Brown rats, black rats, grey rats, tawny rats. Grave old plodders, gay young friekers,

Fathers, mothers, uncles, cousins, Cocking tails and pricking whiskers, Families by tens and dozens, Brothers, sisters, husbands, wives— Followed the pipers for their lives.” Denis.