The Contributor.

Southern Cross, Volume 8, Issue 30, 10 November 1900, Page 5

The Contributor.

DENIS DISCOURSES. Dear Mr Editor, Whin I read your note axin' me to sind in me letther early this wake owin’ to the holiday, or ye’d go to press widout me, Katie says wid a toss av her head, “ sure I wish the editor ’ad be aftber sindin’ me an epistle wance in a while. ‘ ’Deed,’ says I, ‘ he’s not likely to do that in a hurry, I’m thinkin’. Ye’ve been gettin’ him an’ me too into hot wather wid the account ye gave av the Army weddin’ lasbt wake. Listen to this letther, Katie, which the editor says racked him yisterday :—Dear Sir, —I have always been a constant reader of your paper, and of late I have been highly amused with Denis’s Discourses. I am sorry to say that Denis is getting too personal, which is putting him in disfavour —I refer especially to last Saturday’s Cross. It is looked on as very mean to bring a lady’s name into publication in that manner. It was a private affair, not to be publicly made fun of. The ceremony was just as sacred as that in any other church. I wonder very much that you published it. I hope you will be more careful in future. I have spoken to several regarding bis lemarks, and they spoke very unfavourably of that item. Yours sincerely, A Wellwisher of fair play as well as of your paper. * * * ‘ Let me luk at the writin’, says Katie. ‘Well, says she, ‘av all the unrasonable women she bates all.’ * How do you know she’s a woman,’ says I, ‘ whin there’s no name to it.’ ‘ How do I know,’ says Katie, ‘ sure no man ’ud ivir be thinkin’ av writin’ like that. ’Twas only a plain tale av what occurred, widout any intintion av makin’ fun av anything or anybody, an’ as for being private, why ’twas announced in the theatre twice before, an’ the place was crowded, an’ so, for that matter, was the collection box. The Army’s the lasht thing in the wurruld I’d be afther burtin’, for there’s more perpendicular, or straight up an’ down religion among thim than in some Christian bodies I cud name.’ ‘ Ye’d betther not be afther namin’ any wan, Katie,’ says I, dry-like, ‘ for if paple go on writin’ to the editor like this, sure the Cross will soon be as full av complaints as some av the patients cured wid bile beans an’ pink pills, to say nothin’ av Gilchrist’s veterinary ointment for horses an’ cattle. I know yis mane well, Katie, but afther this whin ye feel timpted to sphake rimimbei the ould proverb ‘ Melodious is the closed mouth.’ ‘ Advice is chape, Denis,’ says Katie, ‘ an’ I’ll be takin’ it for what it’s worth, an’ be as saycret as the ould woman that dropped the parcel.’ ‘ What did she do, Katie ?’ ‘Well, whip a young gintleraah cornin’ behind, banded her the parcel, she thanked him an’ he said, ‘ pray don’t mintion it, madam,’ an’ she answered back — ‘ Sure, sur, I’ll nivir tell a livin’ sowl.’ * * * • Did ye ever hear tell o’ sic a thing, Denis ?’ said me ould crony Angus, the other day. ‘Mr Howie, the builder, is pittin’ up a graun’ workshop at Northend, just beyond the Wesleyan Parsonage, an’ the corner stane wis laid wi’oot ony ceremony ava. Heth, it wis different in ma young days in the pairt o’ Scotland where I cam’ frae. The meenit the masons pit down the stane they expeekifc a jar av whisky at the verra least, an’ if it wisna forthcomin’ they struck. Noo, here we’re startin’ a new toon a thegither, an’ no a drap o’ liquor. I min yince whaun the warkraen knocked aff for a hail fortnicht sooner than forgie their ancient privilege. JJThe owner was a teetotaller, an’ they telt him they wudna ask him to taste it : they’d dae that themselves, an’ so he gaed in.’ * ‘ Sure, Angus,’ says I, ‘ ’tis the

uuregenerate Scotchman ye are, or ye’d know from the Home papers that the Duke of Sutherland has accepted the presidency of the Scottish Self-Control Society. Members of the society agree (1) not to drink intoxicants before noon, or except at their regular meals ; (2), not to ‘ treat.’ ; (3), not to give alcoholic drink in return for services rendered. In anny case, Angus, whisky s out av date here. ’Tis rain water is the reigning fashion av late, an’ by the same token whin it was cornin’ down heavens hard on Widnisday I saw a man goin’ along Dee strate wid a big life-belt under his arm, wid the word £ Mokoia ’ painted on it. He towld me he was hopin’ for the best an’ preparin’ for the worst on the Prince av Wales birthday, ‘ for,’ says he, ‘ it’s nearly always wet on the 9th av November in Southland.’ ‘ True for ye,’ says I, ‘ an’ if it’s wet this time ’tis a republican hat I’ll be timpted to wear.’ ‘ls that wan av the Clothing Factory’s, an’ is it wather-proof,’ says he. ‘No,’ says I, ‘ it’s wan widout a Crown to it.’ ‘ Sure it’s funnin’ ye are,’ says he, ‘ for ye’d nivir be afther slightin’ the Prince av Wales bekase av a circumstance that even kings can’t control —the weather. * * * Talkin’ av His Royal Highness, whin I was out Centre Bush way the other day the local constable towld the village blacksmith he’d have to close on Widnisday, notwithstandin’ the holiday on Friday. ‘ Sure,’ says the man av iron to the man in bine, ‘ they keep open in Invercargill.’ ‘ Och,’ says he, ‘ they don’t know the law down there. Sure, the 9th isn’t a stalutory holiday at all at all in fact, the - law doesn’t recognise the Prince av Wales.’ ‘ We live an’ learn,’ says the Knight av the anvil, but ’tis news to me that Prince av Wales is an outlaw—begorra what’ll the Widdy av Windsor say whin she hears that Centre Bush has thrown him over. Anyway, if the law doesn’t recognise the Prince the paple do an’ ■will. God save the Queen an’ all the Royal Family !’ * # * ’Tis mighty pushin’ some av thim bicycle agents are now-a-days. Wan av thim, afther tellin’ Katie how illigant she’d luk on a wheel, wanted her to take wan at 5s a wake. Katie towld him she preferred a milch cow to an iron horse. ‘No doubt, ma’nr, says he, ‘ but ye can’t go out wid your frinds to afternoon tea on a cow. ‘ ’Twould look too ridiculous altogether, Mrs O’Shea.’ ‘True for ye,’ says Katie, but ’tis the still quarer figure I’d be cnttin’ if I tried to milk a bicycle.’ An’ he lift her in pace. * * * ‘ For all that, Katie, says I, ‘ bikes \n’ milk are not so far apart, for I remimber a professor towld me wance that he thought bicycle-ridin’ might be made useful as well as ornamental if cans av milk were attached to the machines, an’ the milkmaids made to ride round an’ round. He said the centre-pedal force ’ud churn the milk, but for mesilf I prefer the ould way. Yes, Katie, lave bicycles an’ goats alone an’ ye’ll nivir regret it.’ ‘ Goats, Denis,’ says she. ‘ Where do they come in.’ ‘ln this way,’ says I The dairy-maid pensively milked the goat, And, pouting she paused to mutter : “ I wish, you brute, you would turn to milk ; ” And the animal tried to butt-her, * * * Katie towld me the other night that I’d misthaken me vocation —that I shad have been a civil sarvant, an’ she towld me how wan av thim up Wellington way had decided tp retire on a pinsion av £SOO a year. ‘ Sure,’ says I, ‘ ’twas aisy to make up his mind wid £lO a wake in front av him —we’d all be av a retiring disposition on the same terms, an’ while on that point, Katie, hear what wan av our numbers, Mr Hall, av Waipawa, said in Hansard : —Sir, the honourable member for the Grey has said that all men should have it, just on the same grounds that Judges and Civil servants have it. Well, in my opinion, Judges and Civil servants

should have it, juston the same grounds that every other man should have it, land there should be no distinction. If we are going to contribute to an oldage pension, no man should receive a pension of more than the State pension of 6s lid per week. It is time these pensions to Judges and other Civil servants were abolished. If the Civil servants and the Judges are in receipt of sums of money more than is sufficient for their maintenance they should be in a position to lay aside that which is necessary for them in old age, and not to come to the State and ask the State to subscribe more than will barely keep them—namely, 6s lid per week. Let every man provide for himself ; and, if he fails to provide for himself, let him come to the State and receive the same pension that is doled out to the poorest man in the land. What is a Judge or a Civil servant more than a man who digs with a spade P He does his life’s work, and does it well, and is as much entitled to a pension as a Judge or a Civil servant. * * * Sure, I’m sorry, Mr Editor, that I towld you about the paple at the Bluff liftin’ the streets for ship’s ballast. The news has rached Dunedin, an’ a man there has got into throuble for followin’ the pattern av the Bluffites. The paper says he was fined 20s wid costs, for removin’ part av the surface av a street in the City av Dunedin. He was supplyin’ ballast for the ship Corolla, and admitted the offence, but did not admit that he had removed 80 cubic yards av clay. Sure a bad example’s as catchin’ as the masles. * * * Did ye hear av the barberous joke that Ted Wright played on the Mounted Rifles P He offered a handsome pipe as a prize, an’ whin the winner came for the trophy me frind handed him a lovely clay. Talk about the pipe av peace ! Begorra, I thought for a minute ’twould be a bone av contintion, but whin the man said he expected something better, Ted said — £ Yery well, me man, I’ll get ye wan av Todd’s or Judge’s drain pipes, an’ thin ye’ll have size as well as quality. * * * ’Twas the bad luck the Mounted Rifles had wid the weather, but they tuk it ell as bein’ in the day’s work, an were as jolly as sandboys. Jokes were flyin’ thick an’ fast. Wan man was axed to plan out the defince av the sandhils heyant the hospital, an’ whin axed what he wud do with that institution he said he wud lave it alone. ‘ But that wud be bad generalship, for the enemy cud bombard ye from there,’ said an amateur ; 4 ye’d have to fire on the hospital, 4 Hot a bit av me,’ said the other, £ do you think I’d be afther riskin’ the damagin’ av the photos av the sixteen applicants for the matronship till the trustees had seen thim.’ * * Some fine healthy appetites are bein’ developed at the camp since the fut soldiers took possession on Tuesday night. 4 Any complaints this mornin’ ?’ says an officer, puttin’ his head into a tint about five o’clock.’ 4 Yes, sir. There’s only four sausages among eight av us, includin’ we’ll have to be like Silvester’s lady —able to fly in mid-air widout the aid av any visible support.’ # # •}£ Angus is the boy for ferrettin’ out things, an’ he’s been botherin’ his head lately wid the wather works. He tells me that there was a big ado a while back over the dispinsin’ wid the services av wan Daniels, that Mr Harper said he was over-staffed, an’ that soon afther a casual hand was taken on, that he has since been put on the permanent way—l mane permanent pay-sheet—an’ that he’s a connection av the wather - works engineer. Furthermore, that whin Mr Harper was granted six weeks av a well-earned holiday lasht wake ’twas left in the hands av the mayor, to appoint a qualified man to fill the office in his absence, an’ that he has appointed the late casual hand. As Angus says, he may be perfectly fit

for the job, but what’s wrong wid Glennie, who’s been in the service twelve years, an’ who had charge for five or six wakes whin Mr Harper was ill, an’ gave iviry satisfaction. For me own part, I can’t belave the mayor has done sich a thing, an’ yit while I’d stake me life on his integrity, yit if ’twas a matter av correct judgment, I’d rather put me money on a mare av another colour, so to sphake. * * * That Edendale poisonm case is a quare affair. Fancy three rabbiters an’ two dogs bein’ tuk bad, an’ no wan being able to throw any light on the subject. The strange thing is that two av the young min that ate plum duff blamed it; that the wan that had tea an’ no duff was the worst; an’ that wan dog that apparently had nothing died. Until the mystery’s cleared up, ’tis fastin’ I’d go in for if I was livin’ in that locality. m •* * Katie towld me that the other night whin returnin’ from Mrs McGregor’s a little girl standin’ lonesome like at a gate axed her if the theatre was out. She towld her no, but it wud soon be, an’ she said she had been left at home wid the chider, while their parents wint to see why Smith left home, an’ she’d been radin’ the papers an’ got nervous wid the accounts av murders an’ lynchin’ av naygroes, an’ such like. Katie towld her that Smith left home bekase his servants sthruck, an’ advised her to do the same if kept up till all hours in that fashion, an’ says Katie, ‘ the nixt day I saw a nurse-girl was wanted, to slape at home, so perhaps she tuk my advice.’ * * * Och, but ’tis the lucky man His Worship J. S. Goldie is. Sure, he’ll soon be up to the eyes wid entertainin’ His Excellency the Governor. Av coorse there’ll be balls and all the rist av it. Talkin av dancin’ reminds me that some paple in the onld country have a grate fondness for-the quality. They’re like the mother av a girl that a young gintleraan wance axed for a dance, an’ before she cud answer her mother chipped in wid — ‘ Sure ye can’t dance wid her, for she’s kapin’ herself cool for the Earl av Clanfurly.’ Denis.