Editor's Wallet
POEM. Since you have broken bread with me, Home has an added quality. I loved its cosiness before, The sunlight on the velvet floor; The few old treasures I co prize; The toys strewn through, children-wise, The clock that ticked me up the stairs To mother’s arms and childish prayers. But when you found my door at last, And through its wide-flung portals passed, You brought with you a radiance That stayed when you departed hence. Staunch love and true has ever braced Our dwelling, and its rafters graced, And friendship’s lingered joyously Since you have broken bread with me. . —Anne Campbell, in Women’s Weekly THE EXPLANATION. “You evidently drink a little too much,” laid the doctorT confidentially. “ Now tell me, how many whiskies do you take e\ery day ? ” “Well, I always feel terribly thirsty when I wake up in the morning. So I have one, and T feel a new man, doctor.” “ I see; and then ? ” . , “And then the new man feels thirsty. • BRIEF NEWS. •The superintendent of a certain railway is very officious in insisting that station masters send word immediately of all accidents in their neighbourhood. Recently he received a wire : “Man fell from platform in front of moving train. Will wire details later.” Five minutes ticked by, then came another telegram : “ Everything O.K. Nobody hurt. Engine was going backwards.” THAT NOISY LITTLE BILL! I sing in my bath, I sing in the trees. The notes get carried Away on the breeze. And Margaret says ’Though I’m really a dear She wishes I didn’t live Quite so near. —lrene Heath, in Women’s Weekly. THE NOVICE. The novice had hooked a very small trout and had wound it in till it was rammed against the end of the rod. , “ What do I do now ? ” he asked his companion. “Climb up the rod and stab it.”
PROFICIENT.
Mistress (interviewing applicant for the position as cook): “And can you cook French dishes ? ”
Cook : “ Oh, yea, mum, I understand all those foreign dishes.” Mistress : “ Indeed ! Tell me what you can do ?” Cook : “Well, mum, I can cook French beans, Brussels sprouts, Dutch cheese, German sausages, Jerusalem artichokes, and Spanish onions.”
ONLY HIS PRIDE.
Benn had taken a cottage in the country, and, owing to the bad state of the roads, he decided to sell his car and buy a horse on the hire-purchase system. A week following his purchase of the animal he arrived at his dealer’s stables.
“ How do you like the horse ? ” asked the latter.
“ He’s all right,” Benn returned. “ There’s just one small thing I don’t like about him, however.” “ Oh, and what’s that ? ” inquired the dealer.
“He won’t lift up his head,” Benn explained.
The dealer nodded in return. “ That’s only his pride,” he murmured. “He will when he’s paid for.”
NOT SO GOOD.
The two workmen were having a quiet chat.
“Who’s that chap over there in the blue overalls ? ” asked Ted of his companion. “ That’s the boss’s son. He’s working as a day labourer,” came the reply. “ I see,” ventured Ted, “ starting at the bottom and working his way up.” “No,” replied his companion ruthlessly; “he started at the top and they pushed him down ! ”
EXACTLY.
“Do you prefer beer or wine ? ” “Well, that depends,” “On what ? ” “ On who’s paying.”
UNFORTUNATE.
Mother : “My poor Jimmie is so unfortunate.” Caller“ How is that ? ” Mother : “ During the sports he broke one of the best records they had in the college.”
THE TICKETS.
A young couple who had just married received many presente after establishing their home in a suburb. One morning they received two theatre tickets, with a note which read, “ Guess who sent these ? ”
9n the appointed evening they went to the theatre, returning very late. To their astonishment everything of any value in the house had been carried away. On a table in the dining room they found this note : ‘‘-Now you know.”
MILLION-POUNDS-A-YEAR PESTS.
One family of small flies costs farmers and leather manufacturers in England at least £1,000,000 a year. These are the . warble flies, which attack cattle during the summer months,. laying, eggs upon their hair. The grub of the warble fly remains beneath the skin for some time, and when the perfect fly is ready to. emerge it has to bite a way through. Hides from animals attacked by the warble fly are much less valuable than “ straight ” or perfect hides. Until .recently the farmer who could supply hides not damaged by the warble fly has not been benefiting, since the same general price has been paid by manufacturers for all. hides. Now a Hide Improvement Society has been formed, and it has been agreed that all hides free from warble holes shall be sold separately and a higher price paid for them. Perfect hides are now fetching 5s or 6s more than those, which show warble fly marks, and it is hoped that this will be increased in the near future. Meantime farmers are taking steps to see that a proportion of the existing price tor perfect hides goes into their pockets and not into those of the dealer.
PAID.
The first day of his holidays Binks the palatial seaside restaurant and had a ham sandwich. The bill came 2s 3d, so he sent for the manager. Well, sir,” explained the manager, “I grant that the sandwich itself might be reasonably, priced at fourpence. This, howeyer, is a high-class establishment, think of _our overhead expenses f Look at the beautiful pictures on the walls ! ” Binks paid up and left. Next day he had another ham sandwich at the same place. But when the bill came he placed tour coppers, on the table. , time, not this time ! ” he chuckled. “ I saw your pretty pictures yesterday I ” POTTED WISDOM. There’s none so blind as those that can t walk. She was only a bootblack’s daughter, but, oh, she could raise a shine. Learning makes a man proud, but wisdom makes him humble. Most men do as they please—after consulting their wives. A monumental lie—under a gravestone. And sometimes on it. Most “smart” people are like a pinsharp at the point and small at the head. Two wrongs often make a riot. YOUTH WILL BE SERVED! A twenty-six-year-old girl flies alone to Australia; Don Bradman, slightly younger, hits up record cricket scores: Lindbergh flew the Atlantic at the age • Tnj 3 is the age of youth, people tell us. Io which the proper answer is : It always has been ! ” Here is proof. Nelson was in command at 23; Napoleon won famous battles at 24; Stanley and Livingstone were exploring Africa at 25 and 27 respectively. When he -was only 23 James Watt was experimenting on steam, as a motive force, and another scientist, Edison, was perfecting communication systems at a year older. In music Wagner had composed his first symphony at 19. As a counterblast to the latest boom in youth, a company which runs a chain or petrol stations in America employs only men over 40 ! Most of the men who operate the stations are over 60. They are more careful, have more pride in their work, and are more reliable than younger men, say their employers. GOLD MINING IN WALES. I L is i y ell . known that gold was worked profitably in several parts of England and Wales m the time of the Romans and in more recent years Scotland produced the whole of the gold used in making the Scottish regalia. Most of the old mines have been lost, but in Wales there are still traces of Roman aqueducts and diverted watercourses in the Mawddach Valley, and gold quartz has been discovered. Mining operations on a small scale were carried on in Merionethshire until about 20 years a “ 0 ’, , ail 4. about half a million pounds’ worth of gold has been extracted from them since 1851. Both the Queen and Princess Mary have wedding rings of Welsh gold. A memorandum has been presented to the Government asking for a searching mqmry into the prospect of developing a Welsh goldfield. Mining experts who have examined the district say that there xt t ?L da^r a , n area of 250 square miles in North Wales which contains as good a show of gold-bearing quartz as any other known area of similar size. With modern methods and modern machinery it is possible that Wales may develop a thriving gold industry. ■ BUSINESS HANDICAPS. Wife : “ Gladys tells me George calls her his peach, the apple of his eye, and all sorts of pet names. Why don’t you call me pretty names like that ? " Husband : “ How can I ? George is on the fruit market. I’m in fish.” LAW-MAKING SEX. “ Women, in my opinion, are different now from what they used to be.” “ How’s that ? ” “There’s my daughter, for instance—she’s taking up the law, whereas her mother always lays it down.” \
HIT OR MISS.
Miss Wilderton had been giving the class an elementary talk on architecture. “ Now," she asked, “ can anyone in the class tell me what a ‘ buttress' is ? ” Little Bobby rose, his face beaming with a quick flash of intelligence. “I know,” he said. “A buttress is a nannygoat ! ”
SAVED BY SCRAPPING SHIPS. It ig not generally known that the Japanese, whose delegates recently discussed naval disarmament at the London Conference,/-actually undertook of their own free will a complete scrapping of their navy 300 yea'rs ago. •At the time of the Spanish Armada Japan was a great naval power, and for some years she went on increasing the number of her ships. Great conquests were made, and had the expansion continued for a few years more Japan would have discovered Australia and have been the first nation to colonise it. . But a great change came over affairs in the East. Spain and Portugal were sending their ships to that part of the world, and were acquiring more and more territory. The Japanese saw that if they were defeated at sea the whole of their country might be taken from them. They therefore disarmed all their ships, anil in 1636 passed the Act of Seclusion, which was in force for more than 200 years. This made Japan an absolutely closed country» in which no foreigner could set foot. Japan ceased to make conquests, but she kept her own land intact.
ST. KILDA.
Soft-is the down on the kittiwake’s breast, As he screams o’er the billows’ brow, Anon to roost on the beetlecrag’s crest At the hurricane’s lofty prow. He knows no want as his pinions sweep w- ? u Pd the spire of his seagirt minster With ita graveyard deep, where fishermen sleep Till the dawn of the ageless morrow. On a couch of pain ’neath rain-soaked thatch, In the eerie light of the dawning Yearning eyes are scanning the latch For the message of succour and healing. On a rock-strewn shore the angry roar Of a quechless seasprite’s vengeance Bids hope deferred, all pent up and sore, Lose sight of the barque’s dim outline. To dwell in the uttermost part of the sea Were ecstasy’s joy to the seer, But the children cry and man must dree The darg of his want and his sorrow. Young Rob will be going with eager feet T° the urge of the mad ■world turning; fhe lure of the thrills and its dancing beat (f tie setting his young heart burning. Oh where shall I find me on Hilda’s Isle A niche in the sun’s red glory. Where thews of thong but battle awhile In the wake of poortith hoary.” Gone are the men of a young day To the cities of sorrow and laughter, And none by the “ Bodach ” and Cailleach grey Are waiting the last lone lighter. Oh ! fain would they stay and fain would „ g° . From the isle of the far-flung seaboard. To its misty spume and its sunset glow Good-bye till the ageless morrow. —W. D. Smith, in the Glasgow Weekly Herald.i TOP NOTES. “Was that you singing, Paddy?’’ demanded the foreman of the road o-ang. “ Yes,” said Paddy. “ Why ? ” “Well, don’t hang on to the top notes so long,’ said the foreman. “Two of the men have gone home thinking it was the midday hooter.” NOT UNDERSTOOD. Angry Guest : “Are you the manager of this infernal place ? ” Hotel Manager : “ Yes, sir.” Angry Guest : “ I have a very serious complaint.” Hotel Manager : “ Heavens, don’t come near me-—it might be catching ! ” NO BONES ABOUT IT. The shop had been in the Jones’s family for generations, so that when a large notice, “ Under New Management,” appeared in the window the villagers were very interested, and awaited curiously the coming of the new proprietor. As days went by and J ones was still behind the counter, and the notice still prominently displayed, one of the bolder spirits asked him when the new people were coming in. “What new people?” replied Jones. You’ve got ‘ Under New Management ’ on the window.” “ Oh, that ! Didn’t you know I’ve been and got married ? ” TAKING IT LITERALLY. Sunday School Teacher : “And when the prodigal son return, what happened, Tommy ? ” Tommy : “ His father ran to meet him and hurt himself.” Teacher : “ "Why, where did you get that ? ” Tommy : “ The Bible says his father ran to meet him and fell on his neck.” CAVERNS OF ROMANCE. A new thrill is being provided for visitors to Guildford, England. For something like 1000 years there have been extensive caverns in the chalk of the North Downs, running underground towards the old Norman castle. These caverns, whose origin and purpose are mysteries, are being lit by electricity and opened to the public. There are a number of interest caverns in various parts of Great Britain, some of them with romantic histories, and an increasing number of people who are interested in their exploration. Ireland also has its caverns, one of which has just been laid bare at the Hill of Tara, the County Meath home of the ancient kings of Ireland and the centre of early Irish civilisation. But .perhaps the most interesting of all the caverns of the British Isles are those of the famous Cheddar Gorge, with their amazing stalactites.
REVENGE.
The very harassed-looking young man stood outside the big jewellers’ shop window clutching half a brick in his hand. Presently he raised his arm to throw the missile when suddenly a policeman arrived on the scene and held his arm.
“ What are you doing ? ” asked the constable angrily. I’m going to whack it through that window,” snapped the young man desperately.
“ Smash-and-grab raid, eh ? ” replied ■the constable officiously. “You’d better come along to the station.” “ Oh, but I don’t want any of the jewels ! ” put in the young man hastily. “ I only want my revenge on them for selling me a wedding ring last year.”
OPEN SPACES.
You might well say that, having got used to town life, there does not often come a longing for the open spaces. Habit soon grows and settles down upon us, and unconsciously we become a part of custom.
But, oddly enough, we don’t settle down to town life. Some will say that is nonsense, that they detest the country, and wouldn’t live in it for a fortune. Yet how their eyes shine with pleasure and their sluggish hearts beat a little faster when they do happen to get into the broad spaces. At the bottom of our heart we love the open spaces. The lights of town may draw us to them, but there is always a lovely vision of green fields and hills. Open spaces open the mind. They give us new vistas of life, and bring a measure of peace to the restless mind. What a thing it is to be able to look away and beyond without coming up against houses ! —G. H. G-, in Answers. THE ELEPHANT. Here comes the elephant, Swaying along. With his cargo of children All singing a song. His legs are in leather, And padded his toes; He can root up an oak With a whisk of his nose. With a wave of his trunk And a turn of his chin, He can pull down a house Or pick up a pin. —Herbert Asquith, in the School ' Journal. MAKING SURE. Wilson, the commercial traveller, looked at the long list of calls and the list of trains he had to catch during the week’s trip. “ I don’t mind getting up early in the morning,” he ventured; “ but you’ve left very little time for me to have my meals.” “You can eat on the trains,” replied the employer. “ You can’t waste much time with all those calls to make.” Wilson departed, and a week later he returned to the office. - “Well,” asked his employer, “got a good bunch of orders ? " Wilson hesitated for a moment, and then said cheerfully : “Well, I haven’t got any orders, sir, but I caught all those blooming trains.” FOOD FOR TALK. Nobody noticed Bill Brown’s lawn. Nobody said : “ Have you stopped to see That Bill has planted a maple tree On the spot where the dust heap used . to be ? ” Nobody though to pass along The word that Bill could be found at night — Trimming his lawn in the fading light, And putting the rubbish out of sight. It seems that people who passed that way Weren’t stirred to talking about Bill Brown, Who kept the weeds in his garden down. He wasn’t news for his little town. His yard was neat and his lawn was trim And the rubbish pile wasn’t plain to see, And Bill had planted a maple tree On the spot where the dust heap used to be. But one night Bill didn’t trim his lawn, And left the rubbish where men could see. And somebody said : “ Bill’s on a spree; Or has left his wife and his family.” There’s little or nothing to this tale, Save this : scare noticed is man if he Is keeping his ground as it ought to be, But his rubbish pile we are quick to see. —Edgar A. Guest, in Tit Bits. NO NEED FOR ALARM. A man in a huge limousine was following a baby car going at full tilt along a country road. Every now and then the car bounced alarmingly. Finally the man in the limousine drew alongside the baby car, and told the owner politely that he was bound to break his back axle' if he went on as he was doing. “Good heavens, man,” was the reply, “ can’t I have hiccup without your interference ? ” THEY USED TO SAY. They used to say that girls and boys, Though seen, should not be heard, . But now they say that youth from noise Should never be deterred. ■ They used to say good-mannered folksShould mind their p’s and, q’s. But now they say, “ Just go ahead— Do anything you choose I ” They used to say that ladies’ legs Were things you shouldn’t see, But now they say there’s naught to hide From ankle to the knee. They used to say the income tax . . . Well, as to what they said, Perhaps we’d better not repeat But use some * * * * instead. And now they say—well, much the same! Just add another *, Then add maybe a few of these !!!!£?)), A and there you are ! A. M. F., in Answers.
COURTSHIP.
“What.be 'e thinkin’ of, Annie ? ” “ Nuthin’ much, Reuben.”- “ Why don’t ’e think ’bout me ? ” I were, Reuben.’’ CAMEL’S HAIR. Little Bobby was examining a brush. Is this a camel’s hair brush, dad ? ’* ne asked. , “ y® B ’ my boy, that’s a camel’s hair brush.” “ Good gracious ! It must take him an awful long time to brush himself.” FREE TO ALL. It was Freddie’s first visit to rural England. , . . During a walk with his grandfather in the woods he kept looking round as if expecting to see someone. “Why are looking round ?" asked the old gentleman. “ Where’s the policeman ? ” asked Freddie. “ Policeman ? ” cried the other. “We have no policemen in the country, Freddie.” The boy looked more puzzled than before. “ Then who keeps the people off the grass ? ” he answered. HIS NEW CALLING. Smithson was about to retire to his room for the night. , “ By' the way,” the manager stopped him on the stairs. “ What time would you like the porter to call you in the morning ? ” { ' There’s no need,” returned Smithson. “ I make it a practice to > always wake’ up without being called.” “In that case,” said the manager, “ I wonder if you would mind calling the porter—he sleeps half the morning.” FORGETTING. I said I would forget you and fine peace of heart again; Would fill my days with quiet things, be still and cold and sane; I would forget your bro.wn hands with their slender strength and grace, Forget your care-free laughter and your eager, happy face; I would forget the dreams we shared, the ■ tender words we spoke, And the glory of your clear young eyes when first our love awoke; I would forget your shining hair, your laughing lips, your eyes— Would put you from my heart away, be brave, and very wise ! The quiet days would come and go without your laughing call; The hours would pass, and I not long to hear your swift footfall.
Ah, yes, I’d put you quite away ! Yet, when the blackbird sings, Or twilight makes a misting land of little homing wings, When the dusk’s a drift of perfume as the
pale moths flutter by And star-dust weaves a glitter in the purple summer sky, When night winds bring a love • song through the darkness and the dew, Most dear, I can’t remember that I have forgotten you ! —lrene Borrowes, in an exchange.
SAD SATURDAY.
Saturday has been a fatal day for British rulers. Among those who died, on this day of the week were William 111, Queen Anne, and all four of .the Georges.
COVERING HIS MISTAKES.
Miles carefully approached the busy corner in his car.
“ Carefully, Henry,” ventured his wife. “Remember the brake is on the right side—or is it on the left—but don’t —— "
Henry began to panic.
“ For pity’s sake stop chattering/.’ he cried. “I’m driving this car. Your job is to smile nicely at the policeman.” >
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Bibliographic details
Otago Witness, Issue 3996, 14 October 1930, Page 76
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3,692Editor's Wallet Otago Witness, Issue 3996, 14 October 1930, Page 76
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