FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2087, 22 February 1894, Page 39

FUN AND FANCY.

— " Woodman, spare that tree 1 Touch not a Bingle bough ! " Was written of an oak, but —it's a chestnut now.

— Many people see themselves as others see them, but it must be conceded that they keep their discoveries quiet. — Nobody but a loving mother could weep bitter tears over a lost child, and tben spank it energetically for returning. — By the time a man's daughters get old enough to help him, they make np their minds to help some other man. — " What is sweeter than to have a friend you can trust ? " "To have a friend that will trust you," was the sharp retort. — Magistrate : " When you broke into the house, did you have any accomplice I" Burglar : " Yea, my Jimmy was with me."

"Ah l " said the man, with bated-breath, Who lived with his third scolding wife, " You talk about ' the jaws of death ' — They're nothing to the jaws of life."

— Life Insurance Agent (to a man who has angered him) : " Fellow, the only thing that saves you is the fact that I insured your life last week."

— Hettie : " I believe in women's rights." Gsrtie: "Then you think every woman should have a vote ?" Hettie: "No; but I think every woman should have a voter." — Jack Lover (expecting an outburst of grief) : " And what would you Bay if I should take your sister from you ? " Little Helen (quietly and politely) : "Thank you, sir." — Ruined Him.—" Poor Jack 1 He never could spell, and it ruined him." "How?" " He wrote a verse to an heiress he was in love with, and he wrote boney for bonny."

— Proud Dame : "I do not see how you could think of marrying into such a commonplace family as that ! " Romantic Daughter : " Oh, I'm not going to marry into his family ; he's going to marry into our family." — Her Exception.— Crabbed Old Man (sarcastically) : " I don't suppose there is another baby like that in the world?" Young Mother : " Oh, yes, there is 1 I left the other one of the twins at home with mother." There was a young girl in the choir, Whose voice rose hoir and hoir, Till it reached such a height, It was clear out of seight, And they found it next day in the spoir.

— Prond Young Woman : " No, I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man in the world." Fond Yonth (rejected but not crushed) : " You can bet your sweet life you wouldn't. I'd have too good an assortment to select from."

— James : " You say you write dunning letters to yourself and sign them with fictitious names. What do you do that for 7 " William : " You see, my wife is always after me for money, and when she reads those letters she becomes discouraged."

— Dumley (who has been asked to carve the duck, and is meeting with poor success) : "Whew!" Landlady: "Isn't the knife sharp, Mr Dumley ? I had it ground to-day." Dumley : " The knife is all right, Mrs Henricks; you ought to have had the duck ground." — Began Work at Once. — Fond Mother : "And so my little angel joined the Little Defenders to-day, and will always be kind to dumb animals?" Little Angel: "Yes, ma. Comin' home I met a man wif a bag full of kittens 'at he was goin' to drown, and he promised to bring them here for us to be kind to."

— Figg (speaking of a mntnal friend who is given to talking about himself) : " Did jou hear of the accident that has happened to Brown ? He has broken his leg in two places." Fogg : •' You don't mean it ! It will be an awful pity if he should die. If be recover?, what a continual source of pleasure it will be to him to talk about."

— A fond mother of a smart boy, after making a lot of jam, labelled the pots " Gooseberry Jam — put up by Mrs Mason." Johnnie soon discovered the shelf on which they were deposited, and fell to work. Having emptied one of the jars, he took his school pencil, and wrote underneath the label : — " Put down by Johnnie Mason."

— Might Come in Useful. — Female Mendicant : " I'm a poor widdy woman with eight small children. Can't yon give us some clothes?" Lady: "The only clothiDg I have to give away is one of my husband's coats." Female Mendicant : " Give it to me, good lady ; I might marry again. There are several gentlemen as have their eye on me."

ROWLAND'S ODONTO.— This has been known or 60 years to be the best, purest, and most fragrant tooth powder. It whitens the teeth, prevents and arrests decay, strengthens the gums, and gives a pleasing fragrance to the breath. Rowland's Macassar Oil preserves and beautifies the hair, and is the best brilliantina for ladies' and children's hair, as it is not too greasy or too drying. Also sold in a golden colour. Ask any chemist or perfumer for Rowland's articles, of 20 Hatton Garden, London.