THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 65, 15 September 1906, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

•Wbocannndaunted brave the Critic's rage? Or noteunmoved his mention intb e Critic's pagP? Parade his error m the public eye? ■* And Mother Grundy's rage defy?

U shud lern tv spel. (Bi Rusvelt's f onetick' f one stil. : 1

Those who smile have favors to ask

J Failure- is -criticised more-^than-suc-fcess. •

Motto-for masseurs ■:. "Aye, there's the rub."

, The accident of birth" carries no insurance with it.

'A honeymoon is the last stage of a woman's curiosity. '* * *

- Don/t let a penny argument lead you into a pound bet,

The philanthropist generally manages to be caught m the act. ♦ '• • ■ ' A cute doctor never looks "grave" when visiting nervous. patients.

Misplaced confidence is not always the result of being absent-minded. # * . «

It's a good plan to forgive your enemies before they get back at you.

There is. more yellow peril m a blonde's hair than ever came from the East.

The Chicago sausage is just as sweet As the average "cop's" unlaundered feet.

When the devil wanted to make . divorce a possibility he peisu^ed Eve •to wear hair pins.

Man was created before woman, so that she might always have the ohance to get ahead of him.

Never judge a man's thirst by the hue of his nose. , He may be suffering from piety pimples brought on by sniffling and over indulgence m weak tea.

In this world there are two 'kinds of conscience. One is the Christian conscience, the other is the business conscience. Beware of the man who has both.

The "Kaikoura Star" lastkussue; apologises for the scarcity of news m its columns. Removing to new premises was the excuse. Probably the scissors got mislaid m the. sack that contained the plant.

The Russians have become very "bomb "-astic since the war, but m. quite' a different style to the arrogant Japanese. The Jap blows himself up per tongue, while the Russ blows his oppressor up per bomb,

Sure cure for insomnia. Eat a good meal at 7 p.m. Rest for 30 minutes. Walk till 8.30, and then drink half a pint of stout and bitter. Return home at '9, -have a warm sponge bath, turn inj and you'll sleep like a policeman on night duty.

The Salvarmy. shelters some very jrotten rogues as . well as a host of oily, women-ruining hypocrites. One noisy hog a*wi red-shirted street nulsaince, named Kirk, has been pinohed at Broken Hill on a charge of bigamy. - ;

If fonetic spelin. is maid jenral, it ma b a bigr noosans than ritin xrecktly. Neerly awl membrs ov Parliament an potes r fonetic spelrs, an sum ov the cranks, oo writ tv "Trootli" wud bang banaher, and c bangd the devil.

Complainant m a case at the Magistrate's Court said "she couldn't stantj the embraces of hubby on account of his boozy breath, and he had "been a connubial outlaw for ten months. Hubby stood up for his breath, but the Beak made an order against him for a quid a week. Wowsers' wives should .make a note of this.

Carnegie and his Wood-money, which he ds splashing around for free libraries was thus spoken of by Mr Justice Edwards, at Auckland, recently*:

"I wonder New Zealanders are not ashamed to accept Carnegie's money. I should think he ought first of all to arrange something for the unfortunate workmen who are helping to earn his money."

Aimlessness wastes its time going nowhere and coming -back, • . •■ .#■ :•

The man who has crawled under the fence usually, .wants to umpire the game.,

•A soft answer . tumeth away wrath;: but a long-sleever of Taihape swipe is worth two boxes of Purge's Painless Pills. ' -

T A' rolling stone gathers no- moss; t t'but a nobbier of Taihape spirits" would corrode the 1 armour- belt of a< battleship. '••■"',

The mpt,or-car craze bias reached such a fra?ttic pitch that, whea tita'ttby is away m the city it . is not . an uncommon, practice for,, wifey to en.terfcain the- 1 chaffeur at lunch. ♦ • ■ ■'•

''Practically the whole of the Tara-i naki. land' district, is gazetted an area infected with black-leg," says a local Trades Unions need not >be alarmed,. it is only a disease among cattle.

. A; recent visitor to the place writes :— ''Taihape should be excluded from being m God's Own Country. For . mud,, the most blasphemous language -is. not eloquent enough, and as for fleas— God forgive me, and allow me to take back all I said!

No person is now eligible for, appointment to the Post 'and Telegraph Department if two or more persons belonging to his family are already officers therein. Not more than one daughter m a family is eligible for aDpoinfcment as a telephone exchange cadette. So that ends the brother and sister-in-law industry.

Our beautiful postal system ! Letters and. eyeji papers from Christchurch -were delivered at this office at 9 a.m. cm Tuesday, but it was 2.45 before i,th^._^gt itiipbrtant of;, all, our dtiristchW&K correspondent's letter, was handed m. It came by the same boat, and its detention, and that of scores of other .important letters and papers, is simply a scandal and a disgrace to the department.

The Kawakawa "Luminary" is m trouble again. Several copies of the i bright print have been sent to friends m the U.S.A., and the "Luminary" man "trusts our distant cousins will not scoffmgly laugh at the idea of the ,Bay of Islands Acclimatisation So- ! cietv calling for tenders for £2 worth [of printing out of the County, and that 28 years' hard barrack-i-ine: of the local ragman goes for noi thing, or that there is a semblance of sweating m the air of Kawakawa."

The members of the ■ Gore Brass Band can no longer be regarded as gallants, says the "Standard." Last ni-ght, when the 20 odd young ladies comprising the Austral Band were putting all their lung power into something sacred the local musicians, several chains away, m front of the Town Hall, broke into a riotous march. It might, however, have only been the bandsmen's way of showing their resentment at this new encroachment of femininity, on their preserves.

• • # ■■ • A Chinaman fruiterer recently died at Utiki and his body was permitted to remain for four days on the premiseSj and during that period the effluvium which permeated the premises •was anything 'but pleasant. After the removal of the body, says the "Taihape News,'-' the shop was re-opened, and the fruit which was m stock during; the time the body was on the premises, was sold over the counter to customers who were m ignorance as to the odour with which it was impregnated" for- several days.

A petitioner m a divorce suit at Palmerston North who had previously secured an order for restitution of conjugal rights against his wife, was asked by the Chief Justice if he had seen and spoken to his wife since then. "Yes," said the petitioner, dnd the court, scenting collusion, etc.. eagerly asked, ! ( What did she say ?" "Go to hell," murmured the petitioner, and a sympathetic Bench •opined "she doesn't seem to care very much for your welfare." He will soon be free to seek a wife who will.

A Woodville poik sends an aritiChow pome from which the following entrancing verse is extracted as a sample :—

there's a body of men m this land of ours whose duty it is to repress, and lacking to keep the thorns from the flowers, i'd charge them with moral transgress.

Better still, old party, if you want to hurt 'em charge 'em with some of your poetry. He also alludes to "law and sword and dauntless cheek." Oh, yes, any amount of the latter. It is dauntless cheek makes him imagine himself a poet..

Yes, "and far the widows of his unhappy workmen, whose blood this Scotch Moloch's hands are dyed with," his Honor, might have added.,

The fellow who is going to do wonderful things tcwlay^ keeps q^fetutbouk what he did yesterday. : ?:" r "■'':¥.

The trouble with a lot 1 of pfeople iif that they never know their own mind until the day after., i-,;

Some people bfeathe through' ttie' nose only because the mouth is otiher£j wise too busily engaged, f %

It is now "gambling; 1 / to play your friend, a game of billiards which m 4/he event of losing it is understood you have to buy the drinks. This: sort of legislation is rapidly making' New Zealand the laughing stock of the world.

. JsTelson grocers ,- have- a grievance against the middle-man sharks ' of Wellington, who are 'forcing the Nelsonites' to accept butter at 14oz to the pound. The middleman always was and always .will be a. voracious shirk who makes a profit both ways, and; as usual, the consumer is the sufferer. : V . * .• w\ ■ ••: 'A' Waikato paper wants an jßdiiot, salary £8 a week ! ' 'Prodeegd'dus'. ! ' ' And no doubt the ','proporioter" will occasionally order, his minion to " take an' knock: hell' outer them swe.ttin' blokesV Let's see, hush poet Jack Vincent has left foiv. those Carts. What's the matter with -Mm, Mr Proporioter ? ■.....;, li.

Regarding that big Heath Estate deal, referred to last week as having involved a i sum a[ ; vdS96,OoO,ii|:;,is stated m •■business.'.jvGirciles that the purchasers have already been offered something like £3O»0fOO profit, on their, bargain. It i&ilsaid that 'iß.i-.big mercantile concern had?' a big hand m financing the original "purchase., • , , ;

-Appears that tbpSe much advertised geysers •at Rotorua can only have their innards soaped by- permission of Sir joe Ward. So says a disappdinted tourist from / that part this week.. Mayhap the' Premier will say if. this is so, or not ; if the ayes have it, it's a damned rotten system, that's all. Why can't the geyser minder have orders to show on certain days of the week ? ■

Hansen is as Hansen does— and he does nothing to relieve the scantytram nuisance m Auckland. Which dam-well serves Auckland right 'for selling her birthright to an exploiting schkindikit. It's quite time there was a hanging bee m the Queen City, that would leave some of the atrpci•ous traitors, who ; engineered that deal, dangling from a few of -the, Company's cheap and nasty poles.& • ■ ''■ ♦ ' ■ .■■•-••■< • . : iftiv-

There's trouble 'Auckland way. Tramway man Hansen says the sewer under Queen-street is rotten ah4!]sf the road falls m and drowns a whble car-load of passengers he'll hold the Council responsible. That smug body, responds and says Hansen's a wicked perverter an' a' that, and that the sewer's as safe as houses. Meanwhile Auckland pedestrians tremble each time they trip along. the main street and wonder if every moment may not be their next, so to speak.

Lean gu dlv ri cliv do Shinnsireachd. No, dear friends, like "the maniac," lam not mad. 'Tis but the headline of the Scottish Society of New- Zealand 'bill, for, /their annual gathering of the clansvon' January, 1 and 2 next, at the '-Exhibition. I have made enquiries afld : 'find that it is Gaelic for "The top p' the mornin' to ye. Gomeanavadrink. ' Now, I know why Scotsmen so- seldom ask one another to ; it hurts, their talking apparatus so much. And; just fancy forming societies for the perpetuation of a Language like that. ; By my sacred kwobfoal.gommerl3.chi,' 'tis dire] ■ • ■■. ■ • - ; -. :■{:'• ;.-/.'■ THE CHINESE EMIGRANT. Adieu, my own, my native, jland, , : ! I 'now must cross the sea ;• '.. ' I'm almond-eyed, and on the Rand, The folks are nuts on me. I do not envy other's lots, My patient soul resigns , Itself to know that theirs are theirs, While this of mine is mines. Deep underground, from morn till eve, The tool I use will click ; I may not choose my work m life, But. l'm allowed to pick.

That I shall breathe unwholesome air I'm told, by Rumor's tongue ;'. - But though it may affect my chest, I hope 'twill spare Wun Lung.

And when my time is up, dear shore, Again I'll thee behold, And while my queue hangs down behind, My taels I will unfold. ;

Upon these gains I'll live content, Although they won't be bie. Enjoying, though I'll delve no more, My otiura cum dig. .

J. F. BURKE. Aramoho, Sept., 1906.,