TIMARU TALK.

Lyttelton Times, Volume LXI, Issue 7221, 22 April 1884, Page 5

TIMARU TALK.

[from our own correspondent.]

The Refrigerating Company, the Woollen Company, and the Pish Company, have clubbed together to send a message to the oracle at Delphi, to obtain direction from that venerable source as to "whether or not to proceed with their respective enterprises. The Woollen and the Eefrigerating Companies have made some progress. They have each formed a Board of Directors, and got hold of a certain instalment of subscribed capital—and that is something. The Pish Company are still further ahead—they have Directors and capital, and a trawl, which, if they do not mean business, I should recommend them to dispose of by raffle. Our Musical and Dramatic Society is lying perdu, but the members are practising industriously, and contemplate putting “ Eip Van Winkle ” on the Imrds at no distant date. Of course, the important point they have yet to settle is—who shall be Eip ? There is a mania for comic opera now-a-days; it prevails here as elsewhere, and our local performers, if they cannot boast any particularly fine voices among them, enter thoroughly into the spirit of the thing, and execute some portions of their work even more pleasingly than professional companies. If comic opera has no other merit, it affords an opportunity for jolly girls to distinguish themselves. Some people are in the habit of keeping a very sharp eye on the public houses on Sunday, and endeavouring to catch Boniface in the act of selling liquor. If some of these Argus-eyed persons would transfer their attentions now and then to their neighbours’ water taps, they would do the community a service. The Borough Council have had to announce their intention to enforce penalties against persons allowing the water to run to waste on their premises, as the supply in the reservoir is getting low, and this the officers of the Council trace to the aforesaid waste. It passes my comprehension how anybody can be so wantonly wasteful as to leave water-taps running all night; but it is beyond question that some people do so. They do say the practice is carried on “ within eooey” of the Mayor’s residence, and of that of a prominent Councillor; but that these gentlemen do not know it " officially.” But then, of course, this may be mere scandal and Timaru is an awful place for scandal, they say. Here is a specimen. Garrulous old Mrs Plumface was recently taking tea (the 5 o’clock repast; with charming young Mm Batchem during the convalescence of the latter, Mrs Monthly being in attendance, and enjoying all the conversational privileges usually accorded to persons of her useful vocation. There was a nice fire in the boudoir, and Mi's Plumface was in high good humour, as she basked before it in an easy chair, and blinked and smiled and nodded incessantly at her vis cl vis, who, attired in her wrapper, looked a perfect picture of delicate beauty, as with one dainty foot on the fender she held up her first-born to practise his beloved ars suctionis (Horace). Tho visitor had called partly to sec her friend in her bloom of maternity, and also to disburden herself of certain gossip which was fermenting within her. She “ paid out minor matters first. Tho Browns had got tho bailiffs in for rout, the Smith girls wore showing up at church and theatre in a bewildering succession of new dresses, Mr Jones was getting paler and thinner every day, as his six big daughters remained unwooed, and Mr Robinson was on tho point of becoming a father lor the seventeenth time; and then she came to their common friend, Mrs Ferouns. Mrs Foronus was tho widowed mother ot a growing family of girls and boys, and was universally respected; but she had pi esorvod a marked silence about her husband in Australia, and Mrs Plumface, do what she would, could never corkscrew anything out of her. “But I was determined, my dear, that 1 would get the key and open that closet where the family skeleton was kept, and I have unlocked it! Poor thing! of course 1 wouldn’t for worlds that should ever know it, and I have only mentioned it to one or two friends. My dear, the woman isn’t a widow at all, though she said she was. Her husband’s in gaol for fourteen years, and he has been in for nine already. But, for goodness sake never mention it to a

soul! “ Good gracious! ” added the excellent lady, as she gulped down her remaining tea, and rose to get her bonnet and ulster, “ I declare it’s (5 o’clock. Good-bye, dear.” And, with a breeze and a bang, she was gone. That same evening she assured Mrs Porter that poor Mrs Batdr.em was going to have a dreadful life with her husband, for he smelt terribly of whiskey as ;shc passed him on the door step. The end of it was that Mrs Feronus found herself speedily the object of considerable curiosity. People dropped'her acquaintance, and her two boys discovered that their employers were keeping a peculiarly sharp eye on them ; in fact, Mrs Plum face had broken the cupboard open and laid bare the skeleton. Mrs Batchem and her spouse, too, had their first row over that whiskey rumour, and he was heard to declare that if that dear old mother Plumface (he didn’t say “ dear ” and he didn’t call her “ mother ”) ever set foot in his house again, he would chuck her out of window. (The foregoing is not a Timarn story dressed up, so the curious reader need not try to identify the persons, for they, have no existence save in my own imagination). There is confusion in the ministerial ranks anent Bible instruction at the public schools. As I mentioned last week, the Archdeacon has “ scored” at the expense of the dissenting parsons, and of the Presbyterian shepherd also; and now the School Committee have confirmed his action, and left him in undisturbed posacs-ion of the Held. The victory won’t be much of a victory; though I feel quite confident the attempt will end in a failure, and I believe it is the hopelessness of attempting to get classes together outside the regular hours, that deters the other clergy from taking action. The last meeting of the Committee on the subject was worth witnessing, and one or two rather good things were said. One, an orthodox member of the Committee, said : “ You can’t expect the Archdeacon to pull with the dissenters. He don’t recognise them; they’ve no apostolic pedigree—they are illegitimate children as to their religions desceaV’— which was an original description of nonconformist clergy. Talking of matters educational, we are losing our Inspector of Schools, Mr Hammond. That gentleman has, I think, had quantum mff. (as a man in Court said of his wife’s society, the other day) of inspectoral work under this Board; and I am sure he will achieve far more satisfactory results, with less attendant worry, as the head of a school. But I don’t think he ought to retire from the position he has so long ahly filled without its being known that he has served the Board for six years past (from its commencement in fact), as Secretary and Inspector; that his discretion and skill and counsel have prevented the Educational system here from coming to ignominious collapse more than once; that throughout the district there is hut one opinion among the teachers, viz., that he will never be replaced for impartiality, practical ability and knowledge, and conaiderateuess. It is not every Inspector who is a thoroughly trained schoolmaster, as is Mr Hammond, and for this reason, notwithstanding his excellent services as Inspector, I believe he would be of still more use at the head of a large school, with a good staff under him. He was wise to retire from the service of this Board. Inspectors ought to be departmental and not Board servants, independent Government officers, and not locallygoverned ones. When an Inspector finds certain local influences paramount, be feels unable, unless he be of exceptionally forcible character and determination, to combat them, and his usefulness is at an end.

Grain comes in, in straggling fashion, but there is little of it in comparison with the quantity received last year, and the cockatoos are very dejected, for prices are still low'. It was to me a matter of regret that I could not attend the coursing. match at Pareora the other day; but it is satisfactory to know that those who did go enjoyed themselves thoroughly. A little episode occurred on the ground, I am informed, which is worth recording. There was a certain tent, wherein were dispensed shilling sandwiches (happily sandwiches can be sold without a license), and these exhilarating articles found a very ready market. (N.B. —I commend" this to Sir William Fox.) A professional dispenser of good things from Timaru was also on the ground, accompanied by a barrel of beer and assorted eatables. He had with him a party of friends and Ids man-servant; and, during the day, he caused his servant to convey to the gentlemen of the Club his respectful compliments, and a request that they would honour him by refreshing themselves at his shrine. And the gentlemen of the Club, responded in an equally gentleman-like and sportsmau-like spirit, and gathered round that bung-bole in force, enjoyed the beer, and pronounced the liberal host “ a deuced good fellow.” But the seller of sandwiches took umbrage at it, and “ cut up rough,” and the consequence was a smothered row. Now, I sympathise with the sandwich man in his righteous anger; what says the reader? If I was selling shilling sandwiches, I should not like to be cut out by a dispenser of free beer.