Funnyisms.

Clutha Leader, Volume I, Issue 21, 3 December 1874, Page 2

Funnyisms.

* Rooted Sorrow. — An aching tooth. Relative Beauty.- — A pretty cousin, A Bad Debt. — The owing of a grudge. The Real Carte de Visite. — A doctor's brougham. Why is the song " Home, Sweet Home " like a, serenade on a calm summer night ? — Because there is music in the air. Vain Attempts at High, Art—PaintiDg the weathercock on a church steeple. A Theatrical Prescription. — Change of scene. The crow that has no vice. — The scarecrow. A critic recently said of a new novel, " Its incidents follow each other like a shovelful of hot coals." Dr Mary Walker denies that a young Treasury Clerk recognises her as his long lost father. A young lady who has been studying finance, wants to know if the day rate of gold affects the nitrate of silver. Love without money has been cynically compared to a pair of shiny leather boots without soles. A young mother says that you may always know an old bachelor by the fact of his always speaking of a baby as " it." • A reporter once aptly called an unsuccessful printer's strike a "typographical error." It is contended by a New York paper that trout-fishing is not a cruel sport — that the wriggling of the fish on dry land is not indicative of agony, but of ecstasy. It has been taken from the water, where there is but little oxygen, into the air, where there is a good deal of it, and. feels just as a person does when he takes laughing gas, and suffers no more pain. Oh ! A Yankee in Italy, after a severe tornado, which the people seemed to consider a gieat thins:, declared that it was hardly up to the average of daily breezes in Maine, his native state, where the people dare not raise children except in sheltered localities, on account of the strenuous character of the zephyrs which play over the hills. A gushing poet asked in the first line of a recent effusion : " How many weary pilgrims lie ?" We give it up, but experience has taught us that there are a good many. Neck or nothing.— Foote, dining at the house of Mrs Thrale, found nothing to his liking, and sat in expectation of something better coming up. A neck of mutton being the last thing, herefused it, as he had the other dishes. As the servant was taking it away, however, understanding that there was nothing more, 'he called out to the fellow, "Hollo, master, bring that back again ; I now* find it is neck or nothing!" Why was Adam's first day the longest ? Because there was no Eve. When did Absolom sleep five in a bed ? When he slept with his forefathers. Why did Job always sleep cold] Because he had miserable comforters. " Say, Pomp, you nigger, whar you git that new hat ?" " Why,at de shop of course." " What is de drice of such an article as dat ?" " I don't know, nigger— l don't know — de . shopkeeper wasn't dar." A lady asked a pupil at school, '* What was the sin of the Pharisees ?" " Eating camels, marm," quickly replied the child. She had read that the Pharisees " strained at gnats and swallowed camels." In describing a new organ, a country editor says :r-" The swell died away in delicious suffocation, like one singing a sweet song under the bed-clothes. "My dear," said a wife to her husband, " do you know what is the most cur'ous thing in the world V " Yes, madam " gruffly answered the brute, " the most curious thing in the world is a woman that is not curious." It's rather remarkable that while several thousand feet are required to make one rood, a single foot, properly applied, is sufficient to make one civil. ! "An attorney," says an ingenious I writer, "is the same thing to a barrister, that an apothecary is to a physician, with this difference that your lawyer does not deal in scruples." A Wedding Ring Three Hundred Years Old. — A gentleman at Liverpool, and, as Dame Fortune will have it, a bachelor, has in his possession . at the present moment a wedding ring which can be 'traced in his family for the long space of three hundred years. It is apparently made of the best gold, and is at least double the weight of the wedding rings now in use, the hoop being broader and thicker than those of the present time. Inside the ring there is a motto in large italic characters, "As t God decreed, we have agreed." In connexion with this ring there is a remarkable incident. 'As may be supposed, the family highly prized the nupjtial | relic, but a good many years ago it disappeared in a most mysterious manner from what we considered its place of safe keeping. Every spot "aboutr; the housed garden, and stabling was rah-" i sacked/ but nowhere could .the relic: be » found. Twenty years had elapsed and " nothing had been heard of : the ring. ; At last an old servant of the family lay' upon her death-bed, 5 and finding" that her life was ebbing .fast she sent for, the gentleman to whom the ' ring at "the time belonged; told; him she had the ; missing jewel, and asked her husband to bripg the ring frbhrifs hiding place/ Tn that way thelon^vlost, > treasure, was, restored to its rightful owner.