UNWRITTEN SPEECHES.

Auckland Star, Volume LVII, Issue 152, 29 June 1926, Page 5

UNWRITTEN SPEECHES.

THE NERVOUS M.P. SOME AMUSING EXTRACTS. "Mr. Speaker has given fair warning that the reading of speeches will no longer be permitted in the House at Ottawa," says Mr. F. W. Luce in an amiieing article published by the Vancouver "Daily Province." "From now on. any member afflicted with an idea must carry it in his head and not on paper. In presenting it for the delight of his party, and the derision ot his opponents he must do so in such words as he can remember at the; moment, instead of in the flowery phrases: so carefully assembled and neatly type-1 written by his highly-educated secretary.

"This is going to be very hard on poor speakers wiio have a memory like a sieve, and harder still on the poor listeners. Before he has been on his feet fifteen minutes the nervous member will not know when to stop, which will be a disaster, perhaps even a calamity. Short speeches will be very hard indeed, but if a man talks fast and is not interrupted too often, !.e may get through before the Engli-h language gives out.

"The longer speeches, of course, will have to be delivered on the instalment plan: the first part before the other member.-? fall asleep, and the second part after they wake up, if they have that hard luck.

"We may look for a lamentable drop in the circulation of Hansard. Country membens will not be sending bales of that venerable publication to their constituents in the fond hope that some courageous soul will read the parts heavily marked with a blue pencil. Instead they will pray that nobody from the old home town finds out how the worthy member speaks, now that he has to juggle his own syntax all of a sudden.

"Here are a few extracts from Hansard of next March, giving a verbatim report of an alleged epeech by Mr. Verbose Fogg, member for Perquisities. Mr. Fogg is doing his best to introduce what is officially described as 'An act to - Prevent the Drifting of Round-shouldered Icebergs in Hudson Bay:—

" "Mr. President—l mean. Mr. Premier —oh. I beg your pardon. I should have said Mr. Speaker. Mr. Speaker, what I want to say about these round-shouldered icebergs; in Hudson Bay is that it seems to mc we should do something about it. It's no use letting the matter drift any longer. We are. or rather, we have, or perhaps. Mr. Speaker, while I try to collect by thoughts, you will be good enough to listen to the story of the two Irishmen. Pat asked Mike . . .'

"Mr. Speaker: The honourable member for Perquisites should know that the Irish question is not a fit and proper subject for debate in this House . . .

Besides. I have heard the story of Pat and Mike thirteen times already.

"Mr. Verbose Fogg, resuming: I thank you, Mr. Speaker. To tell you the truth, I never can remember the point of that anecdote, which orings mc back to the Hudson Bay icebergs. In 1923, the League of Nations, meeting in Halifax, placed an embargo on muskrats tor offset the coolie problem in Thibet during the rainy season. "Several loud voices: Order! Shame! Rats! "Mr. Speaker (somewhat dazed i: Unless the honourable member can quote hit authority. . . "Mr. Verbose Fogg, after wiping his mottled brow with a red silk handkerchief on which no d-'ty has been paid: My mistake. Mr. Speaker, my mistake. Please don't apologise. I find I was reading my shorthand notes upside down. What I meant to say about those icebergs, now. is that I have* given the darned things a great deal of time, some study, and no thought at all. or rather, I thought I had. If you get what I mean, the policy of the government, if it has any policy, such as i tis, is an unknown quantity, but what I want to know, Mr. Chairman, is why are these roundshouldered icebergs allowed to melt in summer? What the country needs, Mr. Speaker, is something to this effect. . .

"And so on until his voice gives out. Which, unfortunately, does not happen until 3 o'clock in the morning, much to the annoyance of the janitor.

Everybody else has long since sneaked