Wit & Humour

Waikato Times, Volume 123, Issue 20693, 31 December 1938, Page 14 (Supplement)

Wit & Humour

NO ALIBI "Have you any explanation for wandering around drunk at thi- time of night?" demanded (tie policeman. The man answered. "Say. if I had an explanation. I'd have faced rny wife half an hour ago!" NO MONEY Mrs. Crump: I hear the. Bradleys across the street are going south this winter. I thought they lost all their Mrs Grump: They have. That’s the reason they are going. They can wear their summer clothes all winter, you know. EVEN GOING They had only just been married. "How’ much money have you got, dear?" the young husband asked. "Let me see," she replied. "About half a crown." "Throw it away, and let’s start on the level," he replied. THICK OF THE FRAY "Did you hear about the terrible quarrel I had with my mother-in-lav?” said Hobson to his friend. "No," was the reply. “Was your wife on yotir side?" "No. She was on my back." IN REVERSE Pat was a true son of Erin and always ready for a joke. One day a farmer in passing him shouted goodhumouredly: “Bad luck to you. Pat!" "Good luck to you, sir!" cried Pat. “May neither of us be right!" DOING VERY 7 WELL Judge: Do you mean to say (hat you actually looked on while this man killed his inother-in-law? Why did you not offer your help? Witness: 1 intended to. But then I saw that he was managing very well by himself. NO WASTE The doctor was called up at night for a farmer w’ho w’as not seriously 111. “You could well have waited until morning for this trifle," he said testily. “Well, doctor, it was like this. I can’t afford to pay for your visit so I thought that at least I would not waste your time.” WHY NOT? The dear old lady came tottering into the village post office and planted a parcel on the counter. "I want to send these trousers by honk post, please,” she said to the assistant. “I’m afraid you can’t send trousers by book post," was the reply. The old lady stared. "But you toll me the other day that anything open at both ends could be sent by book post," she protested. ■ LAVISH Late one night a Scotsman was discovered by a policeman on his hands and knees on his neighbour’s doorstep. "What are you doing here?" demanded the policeman. “S’sh. mon. I’m giving a party," replied the Scot. “Giving a party. But not here." “ No, mon, no. It’s for to-morrow, and I’m just sharpening up the gramophone needle.” HARD LUCK The diner in the cheap restaurant gave an exclamation of annoyance. "Anything wrong, sir?" asked the waitress. "Wrong!" he ejaculated. “I should say so. This egg is as hard as a brick." "Sorry!" replied the waitress. “We used the egg-timpr for it." "Oh!" he growled. “I Ihought you’d used a calendar." A SLICK BANK Pat. who had opened his first banking account, began to pay all his debts by cheque. One day the bank sent him his passbook and a parcel ol’ cancelled cheques. Pat couldn't understand the passbook. but he fingered the cheques fondly and showed them to his friend. “Mike." he said, "sure and it’s a smart hank I'm doing business with now." “Flow's that?" asked Mike. “Why." said the other proudly. "I've paid all iny hills by cheque, and. be.iabbers, the hank has been slick enough to get all of them back for THE PARTING This was the end. After months of close companionship the time had Sadly tie thought of the good limes they had had 10-etlmr. T' j .->-r summer evenings when they had walked lo an i !r >. v J le. .si ent 1 ciself. he had listened to the shrill chatter 0 f his companion. lie could remember sDII the scent of r..se s they had enjoyed in. each other’s companv. Blit riOW I • S .-‘I \V : 'h o|n last lingering look lie rlos-rf !’ •■ d -or and strode swiftly a\va> lo submerge Ids sorrows in warm water. After greasing Dm lawn mower and piiltuig it away f o- Die winter it was the only tiling to do.

EASILY REPLACED He: I don’t know how you would get on without me. I get up every morning, light the Are, boil the kettle, and make you a cup of tea. Supposeing anything happened to me, what would you do then? She: Get a gas ring. WHAT DID HE GET? Business Man: As soon as I found there was a possibility of dishonest profit being made in the position I got out of it. Reporter: Finish the sentence. Business Man: I have, I say. I got out of it. Reporter: Yes. yes; but my business is to discover what you got out of Jt. NO CHANCE Grace and Dorothy are the sweetest of friends. When they met. yesterday Grace said: “I’ve just been to the beauty shop." Dorothy smiled her sympathy. “And the shop was closed?" she said. OUTSIDE OF THAT, IT WAS O.K. After the address the lecturer asked a member of the audience how he had liked it. I "I had just three faults to And with I it." stated the listener. | "And what were they?” i "First, it was read. Second, it wasn’t well read. And third, it wasn't worth reading!" FAMILY AVERSION Mistress: The last maid I had was very fond of policemen. Mary: You needn’t worry about me, ma’am: I ‘ate ’em. My father’s a burglar. IN LUCK "How do you do. Mr McGregor?’’ "Ye’re mistaken; l‘m no McGregor." "Then you must have a double." "Thanks, I will." "I admire the harmony that seems to prevail between you and your wife. Do you never have differences of opinion?" "Oh. yes. quite often." "And yet you get over them so quickly?" "Ah, I never tell her about them.'’

TERRIBLE IGNORANCE "Paddy, who was Hamlet?" Wise Father: Aren’t you ashamed of such ignorance at your age? Bring mo a Bible and I’ll show you who he was! WANTED KINDNESS The tramp knocked at the door. “Spare a copper, lady," he begged, when the door was opened to him. “I’m one of the poor unfortunate ones of this world.’’ "Has nobody ever offered you work?" asked the« woman of the house. "Yes. lady—once. But usually people have been very kind to cne."