Facetiœ

Western Star, Issue 426, 12 March 1881, Page 1 (Supplement)

Facetiœ

Dwellers on dangerous coasts have many Strange wreck-collections. It requires an early start, now-a-days, for a man to get round his wife. Temperance reformers should turn their attention to money ; it is always tight. Where you can’t find a good looking-glass you will scarcely find a good-looking lass, either.

You can’t expect to hit the mark with a bent arrow; the straighten-arrow way is the right way. “If I am stuck up, I am not proud,” as the butterfly said when pinned to the side of the show-case.

A political economist says ‘ ‘ the best wives are cheapest. ” Yet every good man who has a good wife looks upon her as “a little dear.” > A man being accused of extravagance declared that the accusation was unjust, “For,” said he, “I am very careful to live within the means of ray creditors.” A St. Kilda belle, beloved of two impetuous swains, says she feels as if she were in a railway tunnel with an express train comingeach way. • Dick Harris, the barber, would like to get possession of the hone with which the water’s edge is sharpened. Apply next Lovelock’s sale yards, Bourke street west. Several notable happy marriages have been made on two hours’ courtship, but it is a pretty rule to know the girl for at least three days and a picnic. . “ Bathing suits ”is a sign that frequently stares one in the face nowadays, and there is no doubt that bathing suits almost everybody this weather. Were we to take as much pains to be what we ought to be as we do to disguise what we really are, we might appear like ourselves, without being at the trouble of any disguise at all.

' “No girl gets along well" without a mother,” says a moral contemporary. This may be true; but hereabouts girls work harder to get mothers-in-law than they do to get mothers. A total abstainer of our acquaintance is inclined, on the whole, to think it was the tomato salad that caused him, on Iretuming home after dining with us, to kiss nis father tenderly and shake his mother gravely by the hand.

“ Well, sonny,” said a doting uncle to his little nephew, who had been at iSandridge all day fishing—“well, sonny, did you catch a good many fish ?” “No, uncle, but I drowned a good many worms,” was “sonny’s’’answer.

A fashion item says:—“ Charming caps for breakfast are of muslin, have mob crowns bordered with scant ruffles,” It doesn’t say how they are cooked, and we don’t believe we could eat ’em, no matter how they were served up, A Chinese maxim says:—“We require four good things of women; that virtue dwell in her heart—that modesty play on her brow —that sweetness flow from her lips—that industry occupy her hand,” “And how does Charlie like going to school ? ” kindly inquired we of the little six-year-old son of a friend of ours. “ I like goin’ well ’nough,” replied the embryo statesman, ingeniously, “but I don’t like stayin’ after I git there.” You never sympathise so .fully with the sentiments of great King Herod as when you find your landlady’s youngest and the inkbottle busy on your only dress shirt, which has been laid out in readiness for your dinner with old Boodle, from whom you have expectations.

“Job printing!” exclaimed an old woman the other day, as she peeped over her spectacles at the advertising page of a country newspaper. “ Poor Job !” they’ve kept him printing, week after week, ever since I first learned to read ; and if he wasn’t the most patient man that ever was, he never could have stood it so long, nohow.” One of the French “representatives” at the Exhibition, who has been in India, speaking of tiger-hunts, gives his opinion of the exciting sport in the following brief but pithy language : —“ When ze Frenchman hunt zc tigare, ah ! ze sport is grand, maguifique ! but when ze tigare hunt ze Frenchman, out ' zere is zc devil to pay ; ’