Facetiæ

Western Star, Issue 374, 21 August 1880, Page 10 (Supplement)

Facetiæ

A “ handy” present.—A pair of giovee, A sneaking kind of pastry—Mince spy. Never saw stones walk, did you ? Not even a stepping atone ? “Write only on one side of the paper. ” There! “Only.” Now what shall we write on the other side ? day. The last thing a spiritualist will do.— Give up the ghost. Why is the pike a disagreeable fish ? Bo* cause he shows a disposition to carp. A relative of our aged laundress asks whether a clothes-horse forms part of a shirt stud.

A pointed inquiry.—Would Shakespeare in the Zulu language be Shake-assegai ? By Leave.—What is the difference between a tree and an elephant?—A tree leaves in the spring, but an elephant leaves when the menagerie does, Simple Necessaries. —Shopman : Oh, yee, sir, we can supply you with anything in the football line; we . Customer (secretary of a football club) : Ah, then, I’ll take half a dozen pair of crutches and a few yards of sticking plaster, as we have a match tomorrow. “Where have you been, Caasar?” “Oh, sail, I’ve been down to Mr. Pushpull s ! ” “Where? There isn’t any such name.’ “Why, it’s written up on de door, cap’n. One side ob de door it says ‘ Push,’ and d« oder it says ‘ Pull. ’ Ain’t dat Pushpull ?” As the elections depend so much upon pub j licans and beer, the popular line of Tenny son’s might he slightly altered to suit the times, as thus : “ Broad based upon the people’s swill, Moonshine. Not so easy.—Pat (on hearing a late trial read to him) : Poured the brandy down her t’roat, did he ? Faix, I wish somebody’d thry to murther me that way ! [The foolish fellow had been drinking.) The following advertisement appeared in an Edinburgh paper: “ For sale, a handsome piano, the property of a young lady who is leaving Scotland in a walnut case with turned legs.” It is refreshing in these days of party zeal to read such an advertisement as this. “ Experienced Editor wishes re-engagement on daily or weekly conservative, independent, or neutral paper.” This seems to agree with Artemus Ward, who always wrote in advance to the editor of the paper in the town his show was going to : “My politics are your politics. What are yours, by tho way ? ” A disappointment.—Edwin : Dull paper this morning, ain’t it Angy ? Angelina s Yes ! Not a soul one knows mentioned—not even in the deaths. Very Trewes. A friend remarks that “ the kilt is an admirable garment so far as it (joes." An exchange tells of a young lady, who, in writing to a confidential friend, stated that she was not engaged, but that she saw a cloud above the horizon about as large as a man’s hand. A little boy entered a fish market the other day, and seeing for the first time a pile of lobsters lying on the counter, looked at them intently for some time, when he exclaimed, “Them’s the biggest grasshoppers I ve ever seen ! ” A lady’s slyness.—“ No man shall ever kiss me except my future husband,”. she said as he was about leaving her at the gate- “ Suppose I agree to be your future——” “ Why, then I’ll agree you,” she replied, eagerly; and she did. Her mother was informed that he had proposed, and the old lady called round next day to fasten matters, and before he knew it he was booked. It was a mean advantage, but a bird in the hand is worth two on tho front A Vienna paper tell a good story of a Russian corporal who had so distinguished himself in the recent Turkish war that before its close he had received two crosses of St. George, and was about to receive a third. When his general was on the point of conferring the third cross upon him, he first asked the corporal whether he would rather have the cross or a reward of one hundred roubles. The corporal paused thoughtfully for a moment, and then inquired as to the monetary value of the cross. “Four roubles;’, replied the general. “Then,” said the ingenious corporal, “ I should prefer that your excellency would give me a cross and ninety* six roubles.”

FUN FROM THE FRENCH. Said a son-in-law, speakingpf his mother-in-law, who is both deaf and short-sighted: “Doctor, the half of ay fortune if you can. restore her sight and hearing, and threequarters of it if you can deprive her of speech!” : i • 'e / The first time that your wife tells you not to go out, but to stay at home and spend the evening with her, you are vexed. The second time, it is’all you can do to . strain yourself from killing her. The third time, you stay at home 1 A concierge said to one of our most charming comediennes, in speaking of the latter's cook: “ Oh, she behaves badly enough to you, because she knows you are an actress! But she is imbecile to do so—for who knows what she may become herself some day! ” Upon reading an obituary notice of the first water: " Excellent 1 Admirable! I like tohe&r a great man well spoken of. But‘this strewing flowers upon the hearse of the great is mb* !• notonoos. Why" does no one think of signaliaing the birth of bur’eminent statesmen add patriots?” At a taile-d'-htite a commercial traveller takes the dish of radishes and empties its contents into his plate. “ I beg your pardon, monsieur,” says one of his neighbours, “ but I am fond of radishes, t«o. w , ■., ~; . v ! “Oh, not half so lond of them as laja,"’ replies the other, with conviction, and his mouth full; An egotist saw one of his friends in • paroxysm of coughing. “ How sorry I am to see you cough like that,” he said, in a moved voice. “ You are very kind, dear friend." “ Oh, it is not that I am kind, but to sec any one cough like that always makes mo sough, too 1 > . An honest farmer’s idea of Communism; “ After all,” says the friend who is explaining the subject to him,, “if all the money owned in France were to “be put together and equally divided, your share-Would be only 505 franees 35 centimes. ’ 1 “ Well," says the honest farmer. “ that, with what I already have, wouldn’t be so bad! ” “ Maxime, an inveterate gambler, is sunning himself on a chair in the Champs Elysees, yellow and haggard. A Friend (severely) ; “ See here, Maxime, this won’t do. You had better go to your bed, and stay there a day or two.” Maxime: “I wouln’tmind staying there a day or two but the nights, when the club is open—that is what troubles me.’* An expiring railroad superintendent asks the doctor, who is alone with him, how much longer he has to live. “ Two hours,” replies the man of science. A few minutes later the family of the susr crer arq, introduced into the‘aptr ripen t.