Varieties.

Western Star, Issue 52, 7 November 1874, Page 7

Varieties.

Joint Proprietors.—Butchers. The Band of Hope. —A life-belt. Plat Falsehood.—Lying on your bade. Visionary Fruit. —The apple of the eye.. Soundings on a Bar.—Rapping for drinks. Electric Bells. —Female- telegraph operators* A gentleman who has recently lost an eye, bogs tp intimate that he has now a vacancy for a pupil* What is. the difference between a soldier and a sailor ? One tars his ropes, and tho other pitches his be»fc. Why should aechimney-sweep be a good whist player ? Because he is always following soot. A schoolmistress who was afraid of getting her beauty spoiled by small-pox, sent borne a littlegirl because site said her mother was sick and had marks onjiec foflo. The next day the girl appeared, and to-rtha-trembling teacher said : “ Miss _l- : —, we’vegot adeetlo baby at our house, but mammji, told,mo-to.tell you, that it, igm’t catchipg-’*’

A littlfc-chapdiad' a. dirty face, and his teacliertold him, to go,and wash it. He went away, and came back with-the- lower part of his countenance- tolerably clean, while the upper- part was. dirtv and wet., “Johnny,” said tho teacher, ‘‘•whv didn’t you wash, your face ?” “ I. did wash it, sir.” “ You didn’t wipe it all.ovor tlien.” “i did wipe it as high as my shirt would go.”' A hostler,, upon going to confession, was asked by the 1 -priest if he ever greased the horses’ teeth, that they might not cat so many oats.. He replied in-the .negative., Next time he came he confes-ed; he-had;. On tho priest expressing astonishment, he said;. <( Tdid not know it could be clone hobr father, until you told me.” Some time sine© Father Ignatius was about to preach at a, w-elltkuowu church. A popular hymn of Dr Watts,was sung before the sermon, and when it ended the preacher repeated slowly the last line, “ Demands my soul my life, my all,” adding, “ Well, I am surprised to hear you sing that. Do you know that altogether you only put 15a into the bag this morning ?” An Irish grazire was putting a pane of glass into a window, when Si. groom who was standing by began joking him, telling him to mind and put in plenty of putty. The Irishman bore fhe banter, for some t;me, bub at last silenced his tormentor ■with j—“ Arrah, now, be off wid you, or I’ll put a pain in your head without any putty.”' At a training d‘.wn east, after the- order was given to •-* return ramrods,” one of the soldiers broke from the line, and was off at full split, ‘f Hallo!” bawled the coramandiugjjfficcr, “ where are you. going ?” “ Down to Squire Muggins to return the ramrod I borrowed of him. You said, ‘‘Return ramrods.’ ” _ A butcher recently found a shawl-pin in be was cutting up. It is supposed that the animal

An island, five acres, in extent, is floating about Lake Monomonank, which lies partly in New Hampshire, and partly ip Massachussettes. It travels two miles at a time.

Sir John Gray rarely speaks now, but there was a time when he was foremost in the fight. Who that heard it can forget his dignified reproof in the House one evening, during, the. passage of the., Irish Land Bill? The lion..knight was making a speech against something, or other when -there occurred to him,, by way of illustration, a story of a boy who bad a, .grandmother. The narrative was rather gf a melancholy cast, and the grandmother appearing in its recital with •comical iteration, the House began to laugh at the exceeding dolour of the tone in. which the word was pronounced. At every fresh introduction of “ the grandmother” the merriment increased, and at last Sir John, standing indignant amid the idle mirth, called out in stentorian tones, “Sir. haven’t English boys grandmothers?” The laughter hereupon became boisterous ; but the-hon. knight had made his point.—Gentleman’s Magazine. Thg. Grenadier. Guards.- —Among the colonels gf the regiment was the Earl of Cadogan, Marlborough’s friend and quartermaster-general, of whom. General Hamilton tells, the following anecdote —“ It is related that one-day, as the Duke of Marlborough was reconnoitring the ground in front of his position, accompanied by a numerous staff, he appeared accidentally to, drop his glove, ami requested Cadogan to dismount ami pick, it up, which request was immediately attended to. On his return to camp,, haying dismissed his suite, he returned to General Cadogan, and asked, him if he recollected the spot where he had made that request, as he wished to have a battery erected on that spot, but did not wish to speak openly on tho subject. Cadogan replied that he had already given orders to that effect; and upon Marlborough expressing his surprise that he should have known what he required, Cadogan replied that he knew Ins Grace too well not to believe him to be too much of a gentleman to have asked him to dismount to pick up his glove wore there not some good hidden reason for such a request.”

English Exotics. A school committeeman writes ; “ We have a school-house large enough to accommodate four hundred pupils four storeys high.” A contemporary, describing a procession, says, “ the procession was very fine, and nearly two miles in length, as was also the prayer of the chaplain.

The Latest Thing in Strikes.—A deputation of laymeu of a suburban parish waited on their beloved pastor last week, and stipulated for sermons of not more than nine heads, and nine minutes’ long, during the excessive heat. “Alack, poor gentleman, how got he there?” exclaimed Mrs Sid lons, on hearing that a French merchant had died in his bureau, which she took to mean his desk.

Clergymen aud choirs ought to make sure in advance that their hymns chime in wit h the occasion. For example 5 Mob far from the city of Bangor- chere was recently a baptism, and among the converts was a black girl of great size. All went smoothly until the colored woman was immersed. Just as the minister was putting her into the water, the choir on shore sang most, innocently : “The morning light is breaking, The darkness disappears.”