Wit and humor

Woodville Examiner, Volume 3, Issue 284, 17 September 1886, Page 1 (Supplement)

Wit and humor

The belle of the Supreme Court.—Li-bel. Echoes of the Courts —“ pounds, or two months.” The fortune that awaits Kimberley miners —Misfortune. The tramp who slept on a board-pile said he did it because he was sure of a full night’s lumber. An hour-glass is made smallest in the middle to show the waist of time, A West Australian swallowed a rifle ball accidentally, and now he has shooting pains in his stomach. It may be said of a too large theatre hat, like some other disagreeable things, that there is likely to be a woman at the bottom of it. Anxious reader—No. You are mistaken. Burns did not write a poem called the “ Boycotters’ Sunday Night.” Mrs. Dugdale objects to kissing the baby. She says it is too dangerous. We agree with her, but when the baby gets older—if it’s that kind of a baby—we might change our opinion. Baron Eothschild has donned the blue ribbon. He found that his means would not allow of his indulging in more than three rums per day, so he concluded to give it up altogether. Nobody denies that W. G. Grace is paid to play cricket against the Australians. Will somebody please explain why the English papers put the “ Mr.” before his name and leave it off of. Shaw’s and DlyetS’s. A male creature was lately fined £5 for striking a woman. The bench evidently forgot that we have a public flagellator who is getting rusty for want of work. “ Auntie, why are angels always little boys and never little girls 2” Auntie, after mature consideration: “To avoid any scandals in Heaven, my dear 1” “ Do you know ‘ My heart’s first home V " asked a gushing damsel of our matter-of-fact reporter. “ Well, 1 suppose it’s located somewhere under your left ribs,” he replied, easily. Overheard at the Club.—“Do you know young Smith 2” “ Not particularly.” “ Do you think he is well off?” “That he is, and no mistake ; he never borrows less than fifty pounds at a time I” Countryman (in book shop)—“ My wife wanted me to get her some good magazine to read. 1 ' Proprietor; “ Yes, air. How would The Century Magazine do I Countryman : “Gosh, no! She wants a monthly magazine.” Hanlan announces that he is going to return to his old style of rowing. That used to comprise a stop, a smile and a wave of the hand to the referee’s steamer and a drink of water, before increasing his lead. We’re afraid he will have to leave out a great deal of this in order to defeat Beach. It was Benjamin Franklin who remarked, “ Avoid all arguments at home.” When Mrs. Franklin asked Benjamin to take charge of the baby, instead of entering into a controversy over the subject, he would put on hia hat and go down town to see a man. Thousands of husbands of to-day avoid arguments at home by adopting the same method. A sweet little creature sat at a recital of Chopin’s music. During the Marche Fundbre, her attention was fixed, as if the music had enchanted her very soul. When the pianist had finished, the gentleman who was with this sweet creature turned and said; “ How beautiful 1” To which she replied : “ Yes, indeed; doesn’t it fit her exquisitely in the back 2 How much do you suppose it cost a yard?” We see that some of our daily papers are still congratulating themselves over the peace and calmness of our colonial workmen and his methods, as compared with the Ameril can and foreign article. This is living in a fool’s Paradise. Our workmen are happy and contented because they are not too numerous. That’s the whole secret of the matter. Let them be crowded and forced to accept any terms at all from monopolists, simply through the excessive supply of labor offered, and we should find ourselves “ as other men are.” A teacher in one of the Indian schools relates the following incident of an Indian boy’s quick thought: He had been asked the meaning of the word miss. To miss, I told him, is the same as to fail. You shoot at a bird or a mark, and do not hit it; you miss it. You go to a tailor’s for a coat, your coat fits badly ; it is a miss-fit. You hope to enter the middle class next year, but you cannot pass the examinations, and so you miss the promotion. His face wore a puzzled air, and he shook his head. “ Then,” said I, “ there is another meaning of miss. We call a married woman, madam; but an unmarried woman, miss.” His face brightened. He smiled and nodded, “ Ah, I see,” said he : “ she has missed her man,” A Vienna man, who had always been unlucky in financial matters, at last hit upon a scheme whereby he “ raised the wind.” Being ill, he sent for a lawyer, and dictated a will, in which he bequeathed large sums of money to relatives and charities. The lawyer spread the tidings, and those of his acquaintances who had neglected to pay court to the dying millionaire were greatly chagrined. But the millionaire recovered, and thenfortune-hunters beggadhim to invest their money, urged him to accept loans, and gave him a credit second to none in the city. At first, he coolly refused these flattering testimonials, but was gradually forced to relent, and, having lived in clover for a considerable time, he finally failed for an enormous sum.