THROUGH THE PAPERS

Westport Times, Volume X, Issue 1349, 28 January 1876, Page 2

THROUGH THE PAPERS

The Opotiki correspondent of the Bay of Plenty Times writing under date December 2otb, says': — An amusing intstance of a telegraphic error occurred here yesterday, --A. business- man received the following from his representative in Auckland : — '■'Daughter arrived; send mother by Hazard to cut firewood.'" Our obliging telegraph, officer very naturally got the message repeated, but it came exactly as before. The original, however, appears to have been intended for " Doughty arrived ; send nothing by Hazard but firewood."

In reviewing; a; certain-newly published book .the Otago ..Daily Times' critic writes severely.:—The pleasantest thing about" Tempest Tossed,!'- is the bindiug. It is greerij with gold lettering ou the back,; The : intelligent reader, after diligently studying this, will do well to turn to the-four hundred aud thirteenth page,Avherehe will find the word" -Finis," which.filled our whole soul with warm, gratitude. Indeed the remaining,portion, while it makes, admirable pipe lights, l-eminds us of, nothing, so r much, 'as th'o3e " Tempest Tossed " visions which follow upon unlimited bread and' cheese and porter at ; one in the morning.

Some of the .newer-colonists have been- 1 asking- is' 'Mr Wood, 1 the gentleman contesting the Mataura district. A 'little story, hot to his discredit, may, therefore, be interesting. In one of the earlier Parliaments' 'of New Zealand, says the intelligent Vagrant, he and Mr Cracroft Wilson (.J.8., were members. Mr Wilson, since developed into Sir Cracroft Wihon, K.SJ., but in old times was as proud nf the C.B , as Sir Dillon Bell or a dog with two tails., Accordingly, Mr Wilson insisted that" in all cases in which his name appeared in the order paper it shouldbe foljowed I) 3' the pretty letters 'C.8.-'- Kow, Mr Wood, had a fine sease of humor,.. and „;,„> accordingly he went to the Government Printer, and one day ,the s una letters came after 'his name. Mr Wilson met him in. wrath, and. asked how he dared add such letters to his name without any title to. their possyssion. "The decoration, sir," .said Mr Wilson, " Was conferred on me'by my Sovereign!" lieplied Mr Wood," The decoration was conferred on me.by my customers, C 8., you know,—Carcass Butcher." They say that. Mr Wilson grew less particular after that..

The Melbourne correspondent of the Auckland Star says :—Dr iN'eild, the dramatic critic for t,lie Australasian, lias had a fracas with. Mr G;ltuhou<e, the Mayor. Dr A'eild wrote ati address to Histori which Gaehouse read very badly, because he said, it was written so badly. The : irate scribe put the bad delivery down to the Mayor's vinous condition,'whereupon--the man of the civic chair waited upon him in die d.-ess circle of the Royal and called him a skunk, a liar, a coward, audi; a Jew other French mraes before a mixed f.ssemblago, who enjoyed the muss. Neild sought vengeance in the law courts, bat the question ai'Oie.as to the

theatre being a " public place'' within the meaning of the Act, and prosecu* tion was withdrawn. In the Circuit Court, Chrietchurch the other day, bis Honor Mr Justice Johnson remarked that it was very common and generally accepted error, to distinguish the business of the Circuit Court, specially under the headings " Criminal" and " Civil" sittings, Mr Joynt remarked that this was by no means a singular error, as people notunfreqnently called a lawyer, a " Criminal Lawyer,'"' and a doctor "A Lunatic Doctor." His Honor: such things are possible, Mr Joynt. ' iEgles' is responsible for the follow-ing-.—"An old colonist lately paid a visit to Home. In travelling around he met a Capuchin monk, of whom he made some inquiries, and then essayed gener.il conversation in middlingFrench. He was just a little startled, when from under the cowl there came a suggestion, ' Docther, dear, you'd better not try Flinch. Shure it's myself remimbers yon well, drivin' sheep thro' K.ilrnore.' "

The smokers of Edinburgh should look to it. According to the summary of the new Edinburgh Poiice Bill, .which is given in the Scotsman, the following ultra-Draconian regulation is contemplated : — i% As to the smoke nuisance, it is proposed that proof ol the smoke being ' offensive' shall be held sufficient, and that upon the person emitting such smoke shall be laid the burden of proving that the best remedial means are used." Bravo, "Auld Reekie!"

A correspondent to the World, newspaper, says:—lt is right to direct attention to the annexed advertisement, cut from the Daily Telegraph of October 0, and to caution creditois and trustees of bankrupt estates against the scheme of the advertiser, who proposes that debtors should account to their creditors for their deficiencies by handing over worthless securities at. their nominal value, and thus, by pretended or fictitious transactions, account for losses which have never been made: —"A financier, with a million securities, can furnish assets at low figures to parties in difficulties or those about making an assignment. Communications strictly confidential. Address Fide, 3S, Messrs Deacon and Co., Leadenhall street." lam sure it is only necessary to call the attention of the proprietors to this advertisment to secure its exclusion from their columns.

The following disquisition on shirts we. find it the Philadelphia Herald:— *'Any man who would steal a shirt a clean one, should be strung Jj^iO^-^-^r-anK-'-'WTlslTn^'aiij^red" before him this morning. " Have you any idea of the trouble yon a, ay cause the owner if this happens to be his only rag ? Would you keep him from joining in the pleasures of the world, and lie abed while his shirt is being made presentable. Suppose his his mother-in-law should die, how would he attend the funeral ? It would highly improper to do the funeral shirtless. ' Why, sir,' roared the magistrate,' hanging is too good for you. Ton should be burned at the stake shirtless. If the shirt was dirty, then you were justified in taking it, but hereafter when you wish a shirt, be cai'eful to inquire whether there is another one in the house. They are articles of necessity and luxury. So I will hold you in 500 dollars bail for court."

In the Pictoral 'World. Mr. Mortimer Collins gives the following amusing anecdote of Lord Russell:— ".I think the only man who was ever a match for that undaunted and ever youthful politician (Ear} Russell) was a cabman in Palace-yard. In the old days, when we knew him as Lord John, and dwelt on that name with certain fondness, he took a cab from the House of Commods to CheaharnPlace, and by accident gave the driver a sovereign for a shilling, Next day he inquired for that cabman and found him. ' I gave you a sovereign for a shilling yesterday,' he said. ' Yes, my lord.' 'Well are you ready to return it ?' 'Can't, my lord.' JSry not ? ' Cause I thought you (Trent for kindness, my lord. So I goes and buys this beautiful pair of boots; and, and says I, they may call'em Wellingtons at a shop, but I cail'em Russells now they're on .my legs through his lordship's generosity.' After which, what could Lord John say? He went into the House, and put a notice on the paper of a motion to restrain tradesmen irom using the names of illustrious personages as advertisements of their wares. But the motion was withdrawn, and we still wear Wellingtons and drive in Broughams: and it is whispered that the nest lovely thing in ' dressimprovers' is .to be called the Tennyson."

The Figaro remarks "that the Tie v. J. Goring clergyman and magistrate, of Wiston, Sussex, has combined with a magisterial colleogue to accommodate an aged Dissenting minister with a pleasant little surprise, in the shape of a warrant calling upon him to serve as parish constable. Ttie ao-od minister has declined the. honor, ori the plea of nnwoi'ibiricss ; but we shall be proud to accept the post, on the condition that we be allowed to

resign when we are tired of keeping the rev. getleman and his coconspirators under lock and key. A six weeks, occupancy guarantee, if preferred."

A rich Belgian of eccentric habits, residing in the North of France, committed suicide in a strange fashion lately. ' He invited his relatives to ccme and see a coat he had ordered. They went, thinking the novel invitation meant a breakfast, and were astonished to a see row of coffins into wi'jich theirhost got, one after another. At last, finding one that suited him he lay down in it, swallowed some poison, and died instantaneously.

A fellow named Duckworth, who resides at Blackburn, in Lancashire, recently wearied of his spouse and disposed of her by private contract to an eligible young man. The chief poiuts of interest about the transfer are perhaps, the heavenly resignation of the bartered one, and the enormity of the price—lout pence !

It is Figaro's lacerating but in> perative duty also to announce that See-Eee-La-Poo TheeE-Jayeenoolaboodeeu Rowther has made the acquaintance of the InsolventD:btors'Court, at Madras, and that the same tribunal is taking an affectionate interest in the affairs of Theroocauttoopuliee jN'urrainsawmy and several other one syllabled fellows.

Deductive philosophj - —illns I by Prof, Vogel : —" Gentlerren,suppose all the property you were worth w:,s in gold, and ycu had put if in the hands of Blondin to carry across Niagara Falls on a rope, would you shake the cable or keep shouting out to liini, ' Blondin, stand up a little strah;liter; Blondin, stoop a little more—go a little /aster— lean a little more to the North —lean a little more to the South ?' No, yon would hold your breath as well as your tongue, and keep your hands off until he was safe over. The Government are carrying an iinmnn.se weight. Untold treasures are in their hands. 1 hey are doing the best they can. Don't badger them. Keep silence, and we'll get }' ou sa ' e across."

The following letter appears in the London Standard : —" Sir, I was pas senger yesterday by the 10.49 am. train from Norwood Junction to

London Bridge, by the London, Brighton, and South Coast Railway, and soon after entering a first-class carriage, in which were two young ladies (one perhaps sixteen, and the other twenty years old), I was surprised to see suspended from the waist-belt, by a steel chain, a very elegant revolver, with ebony stock, silver cylinder, and s'eel barrel. ]f this is to be the fashion, gentlemen will do well to be cau:.ioii6 i li.p,\Y„ l tlie l v your constant reader, J. 11."

The following" anecdote is related b} r a French journal in reference to the present Emperor of Germany, when simply King- of Prussia, and when he was travelling incognito in Hungary in ISG4. In the vicinity of Tredlitz the King encountered a Judge, leisurely taking his walks abroad smoking at the same time a clay pipe. " Who are you, my man ?" " Judge, in the District Court," answered the magistrate, not a little surprised. " Are you satisfied with your position V " Certainly." " Then I congratulate you." '1 he King was moving away, when the Judge asked him, " And you my n an, whoareyou !" The sovereign, not a little surprised, replied, " I am the King of Prussia." The Judge, not at all astonished, nest demanded, " Are you satisfied with your condition ?" Certainly," responded the King. "Then I congratulate you," added, the Judge, with, the most impassable air, and saluting the Kingcontinued his promenade and his smoke,

One of the heaviest losers by "Turks" is a celebrated vendor of the pill and ointment which have long been known as die only efficacious remedy for all ills thatfieshislieirto. The "professor," whose benevolence is as great as hi* notoriety is world-wide, has " dropped" £150,000, and philosophically writes it off.his ledger as a " bad debt."

It has cost says a writer in the Marylebone Mercury, £10,000 to establish the Hornet. The proprietors of the Pictorial World have spent about £10,000. The World is said to have only cost £5,000. The Daily Telegraph was bought by its present proprietors " for a song j" it pays £70,000. a year.