OBSERVATIONS BY THE MAIR ON THE LOOKOUT

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume L, Issue 12765, 19 June 1911, Page 7

OBSERVATIONS BY THE MAIR ON THE LOOKOUT

Though you didp't or you wouidu't; Or you hadn't or you couldn't; iou jolly well must look outl .* —Kipling.

Unlike the Moa, the practical joker £cenis destined never to become extinct. Personally I don't mind the practical joker so long as he keeps within reasonable limits. A joke's a joke till it gets beyond a joke, but the trouble is that some folks don't know where to draw the line. A well known citizen who has done his full share of public service., is. just now somewhat divided in opinions on the subject of practical joking r When he looks ai it/biio ■way ho is inclined to believe that it is' not without virtue. When he looks at :'t the other way "it ..strikes'him different." and he feels like reaching for the joKer with a stockwhip or some other pende instrument

Jt seems that the well-known citizen, prompted thereto "by his better half, determined to go in for poultry keeping for domestic purposes. To that end he caixsed to bo erected a really substantial fowlhouse and run, well appointed in every particular, and designed to make the most preverse of liens lay plentifully. The whole structure was completed in the dusk of the evening, to the full satisfaction of all the rriombors of the household and of the Well Known Citizens in particular. It a surprisingly good job. Of course it had to be inspected again in the morning. Accordingly after breakfast the family trooped out to see how well the new fowlhouse looked in the daylight. Miracle of miracles! They found" it tenanted. Two plump white leghorns v/ere in proud possession, strutting complacently about the run and evidently plaining themselves on the excellence of their now habitation.

The Well- Known Citizen scratched his head. His good wife looked at him approvingly, seemingly under the impression that he had planned another pleasant surprise for her. The Well Known Citizen looked over the fence, only to'discover that the fowls of his neighbour were not white leghorns, and that, in any case, his birds .were securely housed,- He got down from the'fence and subjected his own structure to a, close inspection. Yes, those high walls of close-meshed wire netting and that closely fastened door were proof against invasion by nomadic fowls. He looked in at the leghorns. .There could be no doubt about it: they wore:'real live birds. Where on earth had they come from? ;His own obvious perplexity was proof that the surprise was not of his making. "Ah! I'know," he^ exclaimed at last in a tone which suggested that a heavy weight had been lifted from his hiind,: "this is some of Mrs doing. He must have come round sometime during the night and slipped them in quietly." But when Mr. ——- was subsequently seen and questioned he disclaimed any credit for any such act of benevolence and professed blank ignorance of the whole matter. Other relatives and friends were questioned with like re- , suit, so that the origin of the leghorns, remained —and I believe still ro-.mairisr^-ji deep, dark mystery ,> though i^ismiugly a. practical joke K>o(, an en- • tlrtily unobjectionable^ kind'. 1 ■ ■• A few days later, however, tho Well ■Known Citizen was so to speak, again "knocked off his perch" by tho receipt of a circular in tho following terms— and apparently emenating from the Sanitation Department of the Borough Council:—^ v y-, >\ . '"';'■ ''.-.., ~■ ■ ;■?,.',}-; •;\.- "~:->j ' Dear 'Sir,—Our Santary Inspector; notifies thajj youhavo a fowl rim '■'within the restricted area.. Please send particulars of-fowl yard, giving (1) size of house; (2) size of yard; (3) nature of roof, floor, perches; (4) if whitewashed or disinfected; (5) total number of fowls, etc.; (6) distance from other fences. Stricter precautions tor the prevention of plague and contagious diseases make this return necessary at your earliest. Yours Truly, Thos. B. Copestake, Sanitation Surveyor. The Well Known Citizen was funcus at what seemed to him a piece of pettifogging and quite uncalled for interference. Instantly there occurred Ito his mind instances in which official 1 vigilance was far more necessary than in the case of his fine new. fowl yard. As a law-abiding member of the community, and a man who had helped to make the by-laws, he must, of course, :;upply the information asked for by Mie ■Sanitation Department; but he would do more than that—ho would personally deliver the document to the Sanitary Inspector, and give that individual a piece of his mind at the same time _ And he did. Ho wrote down all the information asked for —the sf/<e of-the house and yard, the nature of roof, floor and perches, assured the Department that the place had been duly lime-ivashed and that it was located more than the requisite distance from tho nearest neighbour's fence, and returned "iho total number of fowl, etc.," as being "at present 2." Then | hn went round to Mr. Sergeant, handed I'him the document, and commenced to . say things that were complimentary ; neither to the Department nor its re- ; fspqnsihle officer. "My dear man," ex- : claimed tho Sanitary Inspector, after he had glanced at tho document, "I know nothing about this—nothing ay all." "But didn't this thing emenate from your office—didn't you notify this Sanitary Surveyor about my fowlhouse?" "No. I've never heard or the man until this present moment, or of your fowl-house either, for that rriat- ; fer. I'm sorry, but (trying to look i serious) I'm afraid there's been some mistake." "And I'm sorry, too," concluded tho Well Known Citizen, "for it seems to me that I've been jolly -well rad. Confound those fowls." The Wt-11 Known Citizen is now trying to discover the practical joker who senti him the troublesome notification, while the culprit (I think I know him) is doubtless enjoying the joke. If I was a betting man I'd lay odds that the Well Known Citizen gets more than square on Lhe deal. * m «

Most people will aprree with the opinion expressed by the Editor recently as to tho unwisdom and inequity of the State's action in imposing a legistra,tion tax on those citizens ' who take upon tl-.omselves the responsibility or matrimony. We are continually hearing that what the State wants most of all is more population, yet a stiff registration, or license, fee 'is imnosed on. all who seek to enter into tho bonds or matrimony. The vState fee, mind you, is fixed and unalterable; but what about the poor parson who actually 'does tho job." Personally I think jf anybody outfit to be paid for conducting the marriage business it is the parson. But thero ft no fixed fee for him. His reward is measured by the bounty of tho bridegroom and I fear that at times the measure runs short

This may be; perhaps, in some instances due to the fact that the bridegroom ffels that he has already paid enough to the State. Of course this is not a justifiable assumption, for the reason in at it means penalising the innocent. I have heard of several"cases lately in which the parson has discovered half-a--'stivereign in the envelope urhich has been handed to him by the bridegroom v ith tho air of a man who was Rre" senting a purse of sovereigns to a charitable institution. What the parson has said I have not heard, but I e.vpept..it (was something mild and hero mirigly appropriate. Time was whin a couple of guineas was looked upon, as a.not too extravagant*expression ot the happy man's thankfulness for a happy service well performed, while a guinea was esteemed a modest token. But half-a guiftea' Well, 1., suppose it's all these'bridegrooms.;'thought, the job was worth, unless, as I suggested -before, the State toll has put a limit oji their generosity. Why: not abolish the license fee and give the parson a better chance? •