IN LIGHTER VEIN.

Waipawa Mail, Volume LXVI, Issue 139, 19 August 1938, Page 1

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

HUMOR OF THE MOMENT LOOKING AHEAD. A mother noticed that her little daughter was hiding her crusts under the edge of her plate. “Dorothy,” she said severely, “you may live to want those crusts.” “I know, Mummy,” replied the child, “That’s why I’m saving them. ’ ’ HIS TURN. “Robert,” said the earnest social worker to the village reprobate, “the last time I met you you made me happy because you were sober. Today you have made me unhappy because you are intoxicated.” “Yesh, ” replied Robert with a beaming smile, “to-day’s my turn to be happy. ’ ’ THE DIFFERENCE. Mrs . Hoolihan: Faith, Moike, th ’ Father was afther sayin’ me tongue was an origin. Did iver ye hear th’ loike ? Moike: Bedad, an’ it’s a bad mistake he’s after makin’. Shore, an’ they do say as how there be shtops to an origin; but there’s divil a shtop to yer tongue. CURIOSITY. The short-sighted old lady had spent a long time in the curiosity shop. “What is that ugly Oriental figure in the corner worth?” she asked at last. “Quite ten thousand,” whispered the horrified salesman. “That’s the proprietor. ’ ’ CAUSE AND EFFECT. First Business Man: How are things with you, now that you have stopped advertising? Second Business Man: Things are so slow that clock watchers aren't watching clocks any longer—they’re watching the calendars! LIBERALITY IN REVERSE. “Look what de good Lawd is done for you all, ’ ’ exhorted the negro preacher. “You ought to give a tenth of all you gits.” “Amen,” shouted a perspiring brother, catching the spirit of the occasion, “but a tenth ain’t enough. Ah say let’s raise it to a twentieth.” OVERPAID. Two Englishmen were visiting the field of Bannockburn, associated with the defeat of Edward’s army. A native came up and pointed out the position of the hostile armies. Highly pleased with his attention, the gentlemen, on leaving him, urged him to accept a coin. “Na, na,” said the native, “keep your money. The English have paid dearly enough already for seeing the field of Bannockburn.” FRENCH AS SHE IS SPOKEN. An American, spending a holiday in Paris, was endeavoring to work off some of his French in a cafe. 11 Garsong, ’ ’ he said after a lengthy study of the menu, “je desir Consomme Royal et un piece of pang et burr. . . . No! Un piece of bang.” The waiter said helpfully: “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t speak French.” “Very well,” snapped the diner irritably. “Send me someone who can!” REASON. The collector was going his rounds for telephone charges, and halting in front of one house he took a letter from his pocket and glanced over it. Then he rang the bell. The householder himself appeared. ‘ ‘ I understand, ’ ’ said the collector, “that you refuse to pay for the 152 telephone calls with which you have been charged?” “I do.” “But, my dear sir, that’s absurd. What is your complaint?” “I haven’t got a telephone!” WRONG WAY. An Aberdonian in Glasgow, running after a tram car, panted to the conductor: “How much to Buchanan street station from here?” “Twopence,” l'eplied the conductor. The man continued to inn, and, having covered another stretch, inquired, breathlessly of the conductor: “How much now?” “Threepence,” retorted the conductor. “Ye’re running the wrong way. ’ ’ FALSE ALARM. The district superintendent of a certain railway has always made a special point of insisting that stationmasters shall send in a full report at once of any accident, however small, that happens. Recently he received the following urgent message:— “Man fell from platform in front of moving train. Will send further details later.” After waiting for what seemed an age, the superintendent at last received the second message. “Everything- 6.K. Nobody injured. Ettgine wm going backwards, “

WHY WOMEN SHOULD WORK. “Is Bobby the youngest of Mrs Brown’s four children?” “Yes, and he’s the healthiest of the lot.” “How do you account for that?” “Well, Mrs Brown got a job soon after he was born, and was never around to tell the child what not to do.” ADVICE. A welj-knowh attorney wafc always lecturing his office boy, whether he needed it or not. One day he chanced to hear the following conversation between the boy and the one employed next door:— “How much does your chief pay you?” asked the latter. “I get £SOO a year—£l a week in cash and the rest in legal advice!” TOO KIND. The Henpecks had just arrived in the cinema when Mrs Henpeck turned to her husband. “Is your seat quite comfortable, dear?” she asked solicitously. “Quite, my. love,” replied the startled Henpeck. “And have you a good view of the screen?” was the next question. “Perfect,” Henpeck answered. “Does that awful noise outside worry you?” inquired his wife. “No, darling, returned the bewildered little man. Mrs Henpeck changed tone suddenly: “Then change seats with me, you selfish little weasel!” she snapped. ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY. The new assistant at the seed shop was having a harassing time. Someone had ordered a packet of potato seeds, and he had spent two hours looking for them, but without success. At last he went and asked the boss about them. “You idiot,” roared the boss. “Potatoes aren’t grown from seed. You have been having your leg pulled.” Ten minutes later a customer entered the shop and asked for some bird seed. To hip surprise the youthful assistant waggled a finger at him. “Go on, ”he said, ‘‘ I can’t be fooled twice. Birds are hatched out of eggs, not seed.” NOT TACTFUL. The manager entered the restaurant just as the new waiter rushed out. Inside, a customer was raging and fuming. “What is the matter, sir?” asked the manager. “Discharge, that .man at once!” demanded the diner. Regarding the boiled egg which had been served, the manager said: “I’m very sorry about this egg, sir, but I can’t, discharge the waiter for that. After all, h« wasn’t to