THE CHESTNUT TREE.

Waikato Independent, Volume XXXII, Issue 2820, 3 March 1932, Page 6

THE CHESTNUT TREE.

•me Reduction*—Taxi-driver: The Tare is two and six, sir. Frenchman: No, that ees too much. Taxi-driver: Well, say half a crown. Frenchman: That ees better. You can’t cheat me. * -* * * His All.—Redd: I see Browne’s got a motor-car. Greene: Yes, his rich uncle gave it to him. Redd: Why, he told me he put all the money he had into it. Greene: So he did. He bought 5/worth of petrol for it! * * # Modesty.—lt seems that one of our school teachers visited the Hollywood zoo last summer and wanted to see the monkeys. The cage was deserted, and she called upon the keeper for an explanation. “All the monkeys are in the inner cage having a bath,” explained the guardian. ■ “But,” protested the sweet thing, "they’ll come out for some peanuts, won’t they?” “Would you?” asked the keeper.

A Private Matter—A little boy was saying his, go-to-bed prayers in a very low voice. “I can’t hear you, dear,” his mother whispered. “Wasn't talking to you," said the small one firmly. » Somewhat Ambiguous.—“l noticed in this morning’s paper that you have a vacancy for a typist and bookkeeper, either lady or gentleman. As I have been both for the last five years, I beg to apply for the position.’’ * * * Iron Rations —“Even in these days a wife will spend about two hours preparing her husband’s evening meal,” says a woman correspondent. Some of those cans are tricky things to open. * * * Canny—A very rich American had taken a »I#ooting lodge in Scotland. One day when a heavy mist came down he found himself alone and unable to find his way back to his friends. Finally he came across a native on the moors. “I’m lost,” the American told the Scot. The native nodded miserably: "Ves, I know you are lost. But is there a reward for finding you?” he asked. # # * Behind the Scenes, —Secretary: Do you wish to see Abdullah Rajaputra, the great Hindu clairvoyant, madam? yisitor: Ay, young man. Tell Jlim tt’,4 his sister frag Glasgow/ 1 ' ....

Tha Wrong Effect —Bryant had called to view Dauber’s picture. “What do you really think of R?” asked the artist, displaying his Work of art. Bryant gazed critically at the can*: vas. “Fine. I’d just like to eat that little lot,” replied Bryant. J “What,” exclaimed Dauber. “Eat a sunset?” Bryant took another look at the picture. “A sunset!” he ejaculated, “Why I thought it was a'dish of rhubarb and custard." -• * # * A Lucrative Diner.—The two waiters were standing by the table over which the tired diner had fallen asleep. “I've already wakened him twice,” said the first waiter, “and I’m going;. - to wake him a third time.” “Why don’t you have him taken out?” suggested the second waiter. The first waiter shook his head artfully. “Nothing doing,” he whispered, “Every time I wake him up he pays his bill."

•—"Passing Show.” Urchin: “Done yer good deed yet, mate?" Scout: “No, not yet.” Urchin: “Well, you might knock us down an apple wiv yer broom*’andle.” ! .

Cruel. —Comic Artist: This joke ought to be good. I’ve had It in my head for 10 years. Heartless Editor: Sort of aged in the wood, as it were. *sf Toujours la Politesse. —Boss (pointing to cigarette stub on floor): Smith, Is this yours? Smith: Not at all, sir—you saw it first. * * * Why Worry?— Mother: Haven’t I told you to come and tell me when that boy throws stones at you, and not to throw them back? Jimmy: Tell you! Why you couldn’t hit a barn door! * * * Ups and Downs— The steamship office clerk was being pestered hr questions from a prospective traveller. Finally he decided to teach the mra a lesson. “Now, sir,” he said, “upper or lower berth?” “What’s the difference?” asked the customer. The clerk rubbed his hands t?. > umphantly. “The difference is 5/-,” he ' commenced to explain. “The lower berth is higher than the upper one. The higher price is for the lower. If want it lower you have to go higher. We sell the upper lower than the .A lower. Most people don’t like thq' lower upper, although its lower ori account of it being higher. When you occupy an upper you kave to up to beg and get down tQ get up.”