BY THE WAY.

Star (Christchurch), Volume LXVI, Issue 20363, 21 July 1934, Page 11

BY THE WAY.

Some Collections and Reflections. BY ONE OP THE BOYS. Representatives of the gas industry waited on Parliament. —Taking coals to Newcastle. A member of* the Christchurch Beautifying Association suggests that the new weir should have coloured lights. Weir weiry of weired weirs. No, it is not true that at half-time Oliver telegraphed the Hawke’s Bay Rugby Union to call the team off and send an earthquake. At the annual meeting of the Citizens’ Association it was stated that its members are composed of all classes. Now perhaps they will tell us which of those illustrious names on the committee are on No. 5. He called at a suburban post office. “ Have you any of those forms for income other than wages?” he asked. “ Hullo,” said the official, “ has someone left you a legacy?” “No but I’m now on sustenance.” w « Scotch school teacher: Wha was Goliah? Boy: The muckle giant, whom David slew with his sling and stane. Teacher: Wha was David? Boy: The son of Jesse. Teacher: Wha was Jesse? Boy: The flower of Dumblane. It is easier to pick a golf team than, say, the Canterbury team for the Shield. Still, it requires a bit of thought. We will say the team is of twelve men. Twelve men need at least three cars. That means that three car owners must go. The best men are obviously those with Air-flow Chrysolets. Now for the other nine. It is impossible to take Smithy and Jonesy. They don’t drink. As the club captain said, “ One man like them would discredit the whole team. ” ..A* last the team is picked. It includes Brown, the club champion. “ Must take Brown,” they said. Yes, the team looked right. Then someone objected. “ What about Robinson? We have left him out and he is on the committee.” So they dropped Brown. There was a benign air about the piecart. Spring comes swiftly in Christchurch. Ham sported a snowdrop in his buttonhole. “Well,” said Ham when I entered,! “ here you are again. It’s a great old | world.” “Great old world, nothing,” a little] man in the comer put in. “What’s’ there good in it? There’s a machine in town for testing your personality. Professor Beebv had another machine for testing intelligence. The machines will destroy the world. Everything is done by machinery and soon there will be no work for anybody. An adding and calculating machine does a dozen clerks out of a job A concrete mixer puts a hundred or so on to No. 5. Soon they’ll have a machine that thinks. What ■will we do then?” Ham grinned “ A machine that thinks won’t put you on sustenance,” said Ham.

Mr Mosley does his best, and of all Government departments his must pay the biggest dividend. There is as yet no fine for stealing a kiss, trespassing on good nature, murdering a song or forging a chain. Gordon Coates gets away with debasing the King’s currency with a 25 per cent exchange and the penalty of failing to maintain a motorcar is not fixed. Yet the City Council is ever ready to think out new crimes. Street musicians can now be fined if they are not registered. We can imagine a case in the near future. Senior-Sergeant Fox: Your Worship, the Highland Pipe Band is charged with playing the bagpipes through the streets without a license. Mr C. S. Thomas appears for the accused.

“Your Worship, I apply for the accused to be discharged. The by-law says that no one can play a musical instrument in the streets. These men were playing bagpipes.”

How beautiful is the scheme of golf. How wonderfully the units take their places, each doing their bit to make a harmonious whole. Take Jones. Nothing to look at, yet no club is complete without him. He supplies the Silver Kings that the poorer members buy from the relief workers who work on the course on Mondays. There’s Smithy. He can’t play golf for nuts yet he supplies the conversation about big golf. Calls Blank “ Ray ” and Millard “Johnn\\” Records the doings at Shirley to members of lesser clubs. Knows the rules inside out and backwards. And Brown? No club is without Brown. He takes the pretty girls round. Let 3. new girl join and he has her soon in hand. Shows how Bobby Jones grips, Forrest swings and Baird approaches. But best of all are the Thompsons, Robinspns, Wilsons, Browns and Woods. Their entry fees provide the trophies. They never win anything and never will. They supply the applause when the trophies are handed out. the congratulations to the winners. They are what the chorus is to opera, the also-starteds. Only those with very young children believe their fathers are golfers. They are not. They own gclf clubs and wear plus fours.