BY THE WAY.

Star (Christchurch), Volume XLIV, Issue 190, 12 August 1931, Page 6

BY THE WAY.

Some Collections and Reflections. (By ONE OP THE BOYS.) O-O-O-Omeo, You broke my heart. Came in on your oneo When all the rest were hemeo; I’ve fallen in completely, For I tipped you from the start. You left the whole lot stoneo But the man who ran the chart. (With apologies to Antonio, if he will be good enough to accept them.) 55 55 55 " Don't you know that the stuff you’re drinking is slow poison ? ” warned the wife. *‘ That’s all right,” replied the bibulous husband. “ I’m in no hurry.” 55 55 55 At a dinner of the London Press Club Mr Justice M’Cardie recalled the suggestion made by a dramatist over two hundred years ago that “ marriage was inconsistent with the liberty of the subject.” The same speaker told the story of the Judge on the Northern Circuit who was celebrated for his impassivity. During an important criminal trial he remained motionless for an hour while counsel was speaking.. Then when the judge did begin to speak, a little girl in the gallery, who was present with her father, jumped up excitedly and called out, “ Why, daddy, it’s alive.” 55 55 55 A millionaire is a man whose name will go down to prosperity. A current topic: The disposal of the surplus funds of the M.E.D. “ Third party risks.”—The dangers of the peacemaker. It is considered inadvisable to mention “ No-license ” to many motorists at present. A yachting violinist has arrived in, Wellington. One of his numbers will be, no doubt, “ A Life on the Ocean Wave.” 55 55 55 “ When your seven-year-old boy returns from school and calls his father a fool and his mother a liar it is not rudeness,” says a doctor. That’s so; the boy evidently found out his father went to the races, although mother said dad had gone into the country on business. Mother has taken little Tommy to luncheon at a restaurant. After the luncheon had arrived she said: “Now, Tommy, say grace, please.” "But, mother,” Tommy objected, “ we’re paying for this, aren’t we?” Waiter: “ Are you Hungary ” Customer: “ Yes, Siam.” “ Den Russia to the table and I’ll Fiji.” “ All right, Sweden my coffee and Denmark my bill.” “ Do you call these clothes?” a Customs official asked a woman who had declared there was nothing in her trunk but wearing apparel for herself and husband. He pointed to four bottles of whisky. “ Yes,” she replied softly, “ those are his night-caps.”

Two very prim, old-fashioned ladies were discussing the modern generation. “ Yes,” said one, “ I don’t know what the world is coming to—women masquerading as men.” “ Yes,” chimed in the other, “ and everybody is suspected, too. Why, yesterday I received a letter addressed to * Dear sir or madam.’ ” 55 55 55 A rather old-fashioned Sunday school teacher, in a poor district, had been telling her class of boys about the crowns of glory they would wear when they reached Heaven. “ Now, boys,” she said, “ can you tell me who will get the biggest crown?” “Yes, ma’am',” replied one of the youngsters, “ ’im wot’s got the biggest ’ead.” Mary had a little lamb. Her father shot it dead. And now it goes to school with her Between two chunks of bread. “Molly,” he said, “you are a little angel.” His wife, unaccustomed to such praise, beamed at him across the breakfast table. “ And why do you think that, dear?” she asked in the sweetest tones beard since their wedding day. “ Because,” he said, “ you’re always flitting about the house, always harping on things, and now, according to your own account, you’ve nothing at all to wear.” 55 55 55 Father (examining his son in general knowledge) : “ Now, Sammie, name the four seasons.” Sammie (after much thought) : “ Salt, mustard, vinegar and pepoer!” 55 55 55 Two crusty old golfers were both sticklers for the very letter of the law and both explosive of temper. One day an argument arose over some small technicality, an argument which blew up into a storm. One said furiously: “ Understand this, I shall never play golf with you again.” “ Pooh,” said the other, acidly, “ you never have.”