BY THE WAY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 18576, 26 September 1928, Page 9

BY THE WAY.

SOME COLLECTIONS AND REFLECTIONS. (By One of the Boys.) A certain vocalist not long out from Home, offered his services to a broadcasting company, and they were quite agreeable to a trial. He casually asked what they paid. “Ten shillings for an evening,” they said. “Pardon me," he replied, “but what you want is a muffin man or a town crier.” A guileless old gentleman went to an English holiday race meeting armed with a newspaper and several halfcrowns. After a time he approached one of the bookies and said: “Would you be so kind as to put this halt-crown on Constantine for me ? ” “Constantine— Constantine?” repeated the puzzled laver. “You’ve made a mistake, mister. There’s no horse of that name in the nexi race. Constantine’s a cricketer.” “Is he?” said the old gentleman, ‘‘dear, dear, I must have stuck the pin in ihe wrong column.” s t: In the club they were discussing a Scottish member who had* never been known to give a tip. “Well,” chipped in one fellow, “you may say what you like about old Mac, but there was one occasion in my career upon which he came to mv rescue when things looked pretty black.” “My word,” exclaimed somebody, “did he give you a loan?” “Yes,” said the leg-puller, “ he lent me an umbrella.” A man in the club wagered that, even if blindfolded, he could correctly name any drink of spirit given him. The test was made. The subject named in turn whisky, gin, rum, brandy and vodka. Then a glass of transparent fhiid was handed him by a young man. The demonstrator took a sip, coughed and rapped out indignantly, “Why, petrol, dammit!” “I know it is,” said ihe youth who had supplied the glass, “but what brand? There was an earthquake recently, which frightened the inhabitants of a certain town. They sent away their little boy to stay with an uncle in another district, explaining the reason. A day or two later the parents received this telegram: “Am returning your boy. Send the earthquake.” “I hear your master has had a fever,” said the doctor. “How is his temperature to-day?” “’Taint for meter say,” answered the farm hand. “Yer see, he died last night.” X Z X The influence of picture theatres is becoming evident in these days. A youngster confronted his father the other day, and, with arms crossed, hissed, “And I tell you this, father, if you cannot see your way to letting me have that sixpence, my love will turn to an undying hate.” A young Civil Servant in India, who had not quite got accustomed to the ways of the Indian servants, invited his inamorata and her mother to tea. and. the occasion being a special one he directed his cook to bake a special cake for the festive meal. The rake duly arrived at the table, beautifully iced and wonderfully decorated, with a pretty coloured floral pattern. But as the host was about to insert the knife he noticed that the inscription on the cake was “Prepare to meet thy God.”. The cook had copied decoration and words from a text that hung in the cookhouse! A Dunedin man heard of the death of a friend’s wife. He started to draft a telegram. He wrote: “Just heard the terrible news. Am shocked beyond words ” “Not more than twelve words,” prompted his partner. A lecturer on art spoke before a group of business men urging upon them the duty of trying to put more beauty into their surroundings. At the close of the talk, a leading citizen came up to have a few words with the lecturer. “I enjoyed your remarks,” he said, “though I didn’t agree with you. The fact is that we have no time here for beauty. The prosperity of this town is due to hard-headed, practical men.” “Yet,” retorted the lecturer, smiling, “you yourself are seeking beauty, according to your lights. You may not have found it, but I know you are aiming at what you think makes for greater attractiveness.” “No, you’re wrong,” insisted the hardheaded man. “I’m not interested in beauty.” “Then,” said the lecturer, “if you don’t mind my being so personal, will you please tell me why you have dyed your whiskers?”