FUN AND FANCY

Star (Christchurch), Issue 18544, 18 August 1928, Page 20 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

A suburban chemist had been advertising his patent insect powder far and wide. One day a man dashed into l his shop and said excitedly: ‘Givejne another half-pound of your powder, quick, please.” "Oh!” remarked the chemist as he proceeded to execute the order. "I’m glad you like the powder. Good isn’t it?” “Yes,” replied the customer. “I have one cockroach very ill; if I give him another half pound I think he’ll die.” Jones, rubbing the fumes from his smarting eyes, gazed in dismay at the smoking ruins that lay before him. hot this only had he hastened home with eager steps There was bitter irony in the memory of the anticipation that he had enjoyed as he had hastened up the lonely road. Assailed suddenly by sickening sensation, he turned from the scene. If only he had not been delayed he might have been in time to have saved something. But fate had been against him, and apparentl}' no one else had observed the conflagration. There was nothing remaining now but ashes. While he stood there, feeling how utterIv helpless he really was, the thought occurred to him that the destruction might have been intentional. He had known his wife would be away, but where was Annie, the maid? Was this her fiendish revenge for the reproof he j had given her before he had left? Had i she taken advantage of his wife’s absence to wreak her vengeance? And then through the wreaths of smoke, he noticed a piece of paper. Snatching it he glanced at words written thereon. He recognised his wife’s hand. “Dearest,” he read, "am going to visit mother as arranged. It’s Annie’s evening out. Muriel. P.S.—l’ve left your dinner in the-oven.” Meanwhile, the smoke curled lazily from the blackened cutlets upon which he been gazing. An old woman who had called in the doctor to give her treatment for a cold was somewhat grumpy when she found that her own doctor had ben unable tc come and had sent a young deputy. After questioning and examining the patient, the doctor said: “Ah, I know what’s the matter with you. You are suffering from nasal catarrh.” The old woman looked disgustedly at the doctor. “Hoots, mon,” she said, “I sent for you to cure me cauld, no’ tc christen it.”

The angry grocer ran swiftly round the counter, and seized his fair customer a by the arm. “Do you know, madam,” he blurted, “that your clog has eaten J a pound of my best fresh country but- r ter! I saw him do it a moment ago!” The customer relieved the grocer of her v arm and regarded him coldly. “I did Tnot know it,” she replied icily, “but if * you are quite sure it was your best butter, that it is quite fresh, and that it t really did come from the country, . t - don’t think there is much reason to suppose it will do him any harm.” I As he was passing beneath a ladder reaching up to the windows of a re- c cently-built house, the irascible colonel 1 was struck on the head by a large piece c of putty. He seized the putty in one hand, and, racing up the staircase of the J house, entered the room from which it . had been thrown. He was confronted 1 by three stalwart men . “Who threw this?” lie cried, angrily. “I did,” retorted the biggest of the “What j are. ye goin’ to do about it, eh?” After j a moments sober reflection, the colonel } murmured, “Oh, I just thought Id J return the putty.” Explain the phrase, “ The pipe of ‘ Hermes.” —Another name for Mercury, i and the Thermometer is filled with mercury. Hermes is sometimes written Thermes. What is man’s chief end?—The end ; with the head on. • If salmon cost twopence a pound, how much could you buy for five shil- : lings?—Scotch Child: “Ye canna. § get ! onv salmon at tippence the poun’.” Give me a sentence making use of the word nitrates?—Night rates are cheaper than day rates. A man had engaged a new Irish butler. At the end of dinner he was amazed to see the man shaking the port decanter vigorously. ” Good : heavens! ” he shouted, irately, “ don’t shake the wine like that!” “I’m sorry, sor,” apologised the butler, “ but I » heard ye say to ’er ladyship that ye . only took the ould port as a medicine.” Sir John Adams, formerly professor of education in the University of London, in his book. “Errors in Schools; i their Cause and Treatment,” quotes a : number of delightful “howlers”:— > Explain the term, “ grass widow.” — The wife of a dead vegetarian.

What do we know of Margaret of Anjou?—She was very fat, sir. Where do you get that idea from?’—The history book says, “ Among Henry's stoutest supporters was Margaret of Anjou." When you have died suddenly you are cross-examined by a coroner. James the First took a Turkish delight in having people kneel before him. Who first discovered the law of gravitation? . . . Come, now—you remember the apple story?—Please, sir, Adam. Pharaoh's daughter whipped Moses till she was tired. (She could no nger hide him.) What is a gauntlet?—A little thin person. Chaplets are small places of worship. Who came first out of the Ark?—l don’t know who was the first, but I know that Noah was fourth. (“ Noah came forth.") The penal code is what the doctor gets paid for his patients. The highest mountain in Switzerland is Blanc Mange. A country stationmaster was doing his best to see that two of the vicarage ladies had a comfortable journey to London with a compartment to themselves. As parting advice he said: “And when you stops at a station, stand up, ma’am, and put your face out of the window. Then nobody will get in.” He was a stranger to the golf club, and, having paid his green fee, was looking round for someone to play with. Presently a portly person in plus-fours appeared on the scene and expressed himself only too willing to oblige. “You’re not a member, are you?” he asked, as they walked to the first tee. “No.” replied the stranger; “I was just passing through and thought I d like a game.” “Well,” continued the man in plus-fours, “I am a four man. What are vou?” “Me?” echoed the other. “I’m a straw hat maker.” Employer: “There’s a man called Robinson in the High Street who owes me five pounds. You will call and collect the money.” New Clerk: “There are about a dozen Robinsons in that part of the town. Which one is it?” Employer: “I’m not sure; but you 11 know this particular Robinson at once. He’s sure to try to kick you down the stairs! ” Father (at 1 am.): Is that young man asleep, Helen?

Daughter: Ilush, father 1 He has just asked me to marry him and make him the happiest man on earth. Father: Just as I thought. Wake him up. a The theatrical manager having absconded, some of the actors were forced to sleep on the stage for the night. One of them woke up exclaiming with a shiver, “It’s beastly cold here, laddie.” “No wonder,” answered his companion; “we're sleeping in a field. Ili! Stage manager Lower an interior.” The baby was crying. Mother (in another room) : What’s the matter? Nurse: lie want's a Mother: Never mind what he wants. Give it to him. In a few minutes the baby’s cries grew louder. Mother: Why didn’t you give him what he wants? Nurse: I did mum. It was a wasp. Isaac was negotiating a loan from his brother Mo, who was willing to make the advance, but demanded 9 per cent interest. * “Well,” said Isaac. “I ain’t complainin’, you understand, but what’ll our poor dead father say when he looks down and sees you taking 9 per cent from his own flesh and blood ” I “Don’t worry about that,” replied Mo. “From where he is it’ll look like 6 per cent.” He was a kind-hearted old gentleman, and it upset him to see the poor little chap crying. “What’s the matter, my little man? 1 he asked sympathetically. “I’m lost, boo-hoo!” : “Lost? Nonsense. You mustn’t give up hope so soon. Where do you live? : “Don't know,” whined the youngster. 1 “W-we've just moved, and I c-can't re* 1 member the address.” t “Well, what’s your name?” “D’don’t know.” “Don’t know?’’ “No,” sobbed the boy. “M-mother got 1 married again this morning?” \ “The evening wore on.” continued the man who was telling the story. 1 “Excuse me,” interrupted the wouldI be wit, “but can you tell me what the evening wore on that occasion?” “I don’t know that it is important.” replied the story-teller, quite unperturbed. “If you must know, however, , I believe it was the close of a perfect spring day.”