STORIES FOR ALL MOODS.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 17352, 17 May 1924, Page 17

STORIES FOR ALL MOODS.

“ QUOTABLE ANECDOTES.” “ An English Judge. Sir Henry Hawkins. was presiding over a very long and tedious trial, and listening as attentively as he could to a protracted and wearying speech from an eminent counsel learned in^the law. “ Presently Sir Henry pencilled a brief note and sent it to the lawyer in question. Opening it, that gentleman read as follows - ; Patience Competition. Gold Medal : Sir Henry Hawkins. Honourable mention : Job.’ Counsel’s display of oratory came to an abrupt end.” FOR WEDDING SPEECHES. I Mr D. B. Knox tells the above story in his entertaining book. “ Quotable Anecdotes,” a very useful volume for all manner of people who want the right story for the right occasion. For instance, the man who wants to make a bright speech *t a wedding breakfast l will find a choice selection in a special I .section, although the speaker would ! have to be very careful to suit his I story to his company. For example j -The teacher was explaining to the i ( lass that ‘ the bride always wore white j because the wedding day was the hapI piest of a. woman’s life.’ ! ‘ Then why do the men all wear I black?’ asked a precocious little bov.” SOME WELLERISMS. ' In addition to the legal anecdote al--1 ready quoted there is the following:— ‘ ‘ Recorder Ito prisoner) : ‘ How do ! you live?: Prisoner: 'I ain’t particuj jar. as the. oyster said when they aske i whether he’d bo roasted or fried.’ Recorder : ‘We don’t want to hear what i the oyster said. What do you follow? - I Prisoner : * Anything that, comes in my i way, as the locomotive said when it ( rar i over a man.’ Recorder: ‘We care | nothing about the locomotive. What jis your business?’ Prisoner: ‘ That.’s 1 various, as the cat said when she stole ! the chickens.’ Recorder : ‘ That comes ! nearer to the line, I suppose?’ Prisonj er : ‘ Altogether in my line, as the rope i said when choking the pirate.’ Recorder: ‘lf I hear any more comparisons l will give you twelve months.' Prisoner: ' I’m done, as the beefsteak said to the cook.’ ” JONAH’S INTIMACY WITH THE WHALE. Now we come to the church : “Miss Helen Mar, in her book of stories, recalls that of a very young and nervous curate who had to discourse one morning upon the vicissitudes of Jonah and the whale. ‘ And for three days and three nightß,’ he

began. ‘ Jonah was in the ’ Ha blushed, stammered, stopped, and then started again. ‘ For three days and three nights Jonah was in the ' Once more he was covered with confusion. and once more he stopped and mopped his face, from which the perspiration was literally pouring, with his handkerchief. Then he gathered his courage with both hands, and with a mighty effort he finished triumphantly. • And for three days and three nights Jonah was in the society of the whale.’ ” “ The late Bishop Mandell Creighton was asked if he could state the difference between an Oxford man and a Cambridge man. The Bishop was at that time a professor at Cambridge, and he replied : ‘An Oxford man looks as if the world belonged to him; a Cambridge man as if lie didn't care to whom the world belonged.” MODERN IMPROVEMENTS. The section devoted to sporting yarns is full of good laughs : “Mr—now Lord—Balfour was one day strolling near his Scottish home at Whittinghame, when he was accosted by an old man hailing from a neighbouring village. On being presented with a shilling, the man whispered to Mr Balfour: ‘Mon, dae ye ken what I’m gaun to tell ye?’ ‘No,’ replied the statesman. ‘Well,’ was the rejoinder, ‘ it’s gaun tae rain for seven-ty-twa days.’ Mr Balfour, thinking to have a little fun with him, remarked. ‘ That cannot be, for the world was entirely flooded in forty days.’ * But,’ returned the old fellow. ‘ the world wisna sae weel drained then as it is POLITICAL. Here are a few gems from the political collection:— “ A certain politician recently became a parent. On announcing the news the doctor exclaimed gleefully: “I congratulate you: you are the father of triplets. The politician was astonished. ‘ No. no. no,' he replied, ' there must be some mistake in the returns. I demand a recount.’ ” A WINDMILL. " A windy M.P.. in the midst of a tedious speech, stopped to imbibe a glass of water. ‘ I rise,' said Sheridan, ' to a point of order.' Everybody started wondering what the point of order was. ‘ What is it?’ asked the Speaker. ‘ I think, sir.’ said Sheridan, ‘ it is out of order for a windmill Ho go by water.’ SHERIDAN. “ Sheridan was one day annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of Commons, who kept crying out: ‘ Hear, hear.’ During the debate he took occasion to describe a political opponent. ' Where,’ he exclaimed, ‘ shall we find a more foolish knave or a more knavish fool than he?’ ’Hear, hear,’ shouted

turned round, and thanking him for the prompt information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter/’ This is from an-election speech:— “ ‘ A genuine patriot must at all times be ready to die for his country, even though it should cost him his life’* (Thundering applause.) MUST HAVE BEEN A MAN. Mrs Wharton, the American novelist, tells this war story:— “ The American wounded were being brought in from the second Marne battle, and a fussy-iooking woman in a khaki uniform and Sam Browne belt knelt 'er the stretcher and said: 4 ls this an officer or only a man?’ The brawny corporal who stood beside the stretcher gave her a grim laugh and. said: 4 Well, lady, he ain’t no officer, but he’s been hit twice in the innards, both legs busted, he’s got two bullets in both arms, and we dropped him three times without his lettin’ out a squeak, so I guess ye can call him a BARE. 44 The haughty English lord was endeavouring to impress the importance of his family upon his guide in the Scottish Highlands. Why.’ he exclaimed, with an eloquent gesture, 4 my ancestors have had the right to bear arms for the last two hundred years! ’ Hoot, mon,’ cried the Scot, 4 my ■ ancestors have had the right to bare legs for the last two thousand 3’ears! ’ ” PRIDE AND A FALL. 44 A good story reaches us from Carmarthenshire. One of the latest recruits of Kitchener’s army was a smart fellow of six feet two. He presented himself before the recruiting officer, displaying proudly his broad chest, and —accepted on the spot—he exclaimed? 4 Now let the Germans beware.’ The next day he received a telegram from London 4 My sincerest congratulations.—Kitchener.’ He showed the tele gram everywhere, but his pride swelled still more when he received the telegram : 4 The Empire is proud of you.— George. It was on the third day, when he received the telegram. 4 Remain neutral for goodness sake.—Wilhelm,’ that he discovered that some mischievous wag had been 4 pulling his leg.’ ”