FLOTSAM AND JETSAM.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 17230, 22 December 1923, Page 4 (Supplement)

FLOTSAM AND JETSAM.

YARNS WORTH TELLING. WHAT EVERY HUSBAND KNOWS. Said the First Man: “I’m looking for a wife who has a good disposition; one who never loses her temper.” Said the Second Man: 44 1 want a wife who knows how to keep house, and who stays home nights.” Third Man: “Give me a wife who Fourth Man: “ Wha.t I want is a girl who has a little money of h«r own, who is pretty good-looking, and lias no relatives.” Fifth Man: ‘‘All I ask for is a wife I can show to anybody, no matter where I am, and I’m glad.” Then all the others gathered around him and with one acclaim shouted: 44 You* win I” HIS ASSIGNMENT. 44 1 have a job for you, Mr Graffik,” said the editor to the now reporter. 44 Are you married?” 44 No, sir.” 44 I thought not. Get married instantly* and let* me have three columns by ton o’clock on how to manage a wife.” FULLY ILLUSTRATED. There was once an artist who was illustrating a novel. “It’s a pity it’s a love story,” he said to the author, “because the only thing I can draw really well is a oharging rhinoceros.” “That’s easy,* replied the author, and turning up the passage where 44 he

quaked before her proud glance,” he inserted a few words and handed _the MS. to the artist, who read: 44 lie, who had often faced a charging rhinoceros, unmoved, now qualied . . .” And so the picture appeared, with the words, “He . . faced a charging rhinoceros.” • • HEADING THE LIST. He had just enlisted in the Navy and, conscious of the fascination of his nice new uniform, was improving his last hours ashore TTy making frantic love. 44 But do you swear that I’m the only girl you love?” she demurred, not quite convinced. “You know they say a sailor has a sweetheart in every port.” 44 Don’t you believe that,” he replied earnestly. 44 Why, I haven’t been on my first cruise yet.” PATIENCE. 44 Hello, Jurd 1* saluted a young swain of the tussock region, addressing another of his kind who was humped up on a log by the roadside. 44 W’hat. are you sitting there -for? Anything the matter?” 44 Nope!” was the reply. “Just waiting for Miss Ducky Daddle to come along; that’s all. I’m going to tako her to singing school.” 44 But, great guns, singing school don’t take place till to-morrow night!” 44 1 know it; but when a feller’s in love he don’t mind waiting.” THE END OF*HIS STRING. The movie-magnate fell back into his chair and leaned his head wearily’ against the soft red upholstery, discreetly decorated with gold tassels. He lingered a pistol—gold-chased and studded with diamonds This, then, was the end —fool that he was to have been so reckless, so spendthrift. Before him was the script of his latest super-extra-production; ready for release to a waiting public; but—a-nd he faced it for the thousandth time —there were no adjectives superlative enough for the press notices. Heari-throbing, gigantic, stupendous, eoul-stirring—all—all of these, and more, seemed barren of meaning. He simply could not think of anything larger than catacylsmie, or mastodonic, and these he had recklessly used together on his last production. He was- tired. If he could only say that the picture was 44 A No. One,” and let it go at that. But ho had created a demand for superlatives, and there were no more. He picked up the pistol and shut his eyes. A crash- and then silence. Sub-Title. 44 And who knows? Mayhap in the Great Beyond, where the Sunset meets the Morning Mists, he found his Heart’s Desire. NO CHANCE FOR DIANA. The movies look to all sorts of sources for their material and there have been diggings in many strange fields. One talented young writer thought of trying out mythology. So

he went to his general manager with the story of Diana. The general manager viewed with some interest the illustration presented. “Who is she?” “ Diana, goddess of the chase.” J Well, she’s a pretty fair looker, 1 but wo ain’t making any more chase pictures.” THE CORRECT PITCH. J Jack Hobbs, the English batsman, ] tells this one : 44 During our tour in Australia wo were all taken out in motor-cars through some beautiful scenery to 1 Bulli. On arrival, a gentleman of ( local importance made us a speech of , welcome, telling us we were standing , on the soil of which great quantities had been taken all over the world to make the best cricket pitches. 44 This, of course, was perfectly true, , every cricketer in the world knowing ( by repute the famous Bulli soil. f 4 4 After Mr Douglas had replied to | the speech, one of us happened to ask ] tho gentleman if they played cricket in Bulli. “ Why, yes, of course,” he replied. “ We’ve got a new concrete pitch, which cost us £2O not counting the < matting.” ••• ] LUCKY. The political rally was being held in a large hall, and the speaker was i a man with a weak voice and weaker 1 arguments. A man in the gallery cupped his hands behind his ears in a vain effort to hear, and then shouted: 44 I can’t hear! I can’t hear!” « Then a man sitting in front of the 1 platform rose to his fret and shouted back. “You can’t hear? Well, thank 1 heaven, and sit down!” * • THE EYES OF ARGUS. 44 In the N.Z.E.F..” said Mr Shotwell, 44 they taught us to keep our eyes open. "We were told to notice the number of telegraph wires alongside the road ; the nature and features of the country we passed through ; wood and water facilities, and so on. But rqy wife can whole N.C.O. school when it comes'lo what the W.O. used to call the 4 sub-tension of the visual angle.’ ” 44 How so?” asked'Mr Miggles. “ I’ll tell you, said Mr Shotwell. 44 She was knocked down by a motorcar in Pitt Street yesterday, and the driver didn’t stop when he’d skittled her. The policeman sat her down in a chemist’s shop, and asked her if she had noticed the number of the car.” j “ Ard she at once told him?” said Mr Miggles I “ Not on your life,” said Mr Shotwell 4 4 4 I didn’t notice tho number, said she. 4 but there was a woman sitting next the driver, and she had on a light ground striped mastic frock of jazz foulard, with a maevar bodice: a pair of those row style chamois gloves: a droop crinoline hat with tagel edge: and an imitation fox cloak over her arm !’ ” I \

GOING! GOING ! 44 Gone I” shouted the wildly-excited individual, waving his arms in the middle of the street. A crowd quickly gathered. “ Gone! (gone I” he availed, his voice rising in dismal crescendo. 44 What’s wrong? Lost your wife?* 44 Money stolen?” “•No. no I But it’s gone!” Fifty people held their breath, and then asked as one:— 44 What’s gone?” The excited individual Buddenly became calm. 44 Yesterday is gone, my friends.” he said with a happy smile. 44 and to-day is going. You mav die to-morrow or to-dav; you should take out a policy of' life insurance with my firm, tho Fiftv strong men seized him roughly and bore him to the river. FLESH-COLOURED. Some Australian ladies who lost their wardrobes in the Japanese earth- ; Quake arrived safely at Kobe, and set out to make some purchases. In a large, {lrapexv store they were received with bows and smiles. 44 What can I have the honour of showing youP” said the polite salesman, in perfect English. “ I want some silk stockings, please.” said one lady, ‘‘either pink or flesh colour, if vou have any.” 44 Very sorry, madam.” was the reply. 44 We have no pink silk stockings. but we have plenty of fleshcoloured ones.” The obliging shopman took down a largo bundle of stockings When he proud!v displayed them they were all light brown.