FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 6885, 21 June 1890, Page 2

FUN AND FANCY.

HOW TO " LAY " A GHOST. A gentleman bent on educational progress was invited to visit a hospitablesquire, whose old houte had a haunted room. He arrived very late at night, and,, by the inadvertence of a new and ignorant' servant, was shown into this ghost chamber, where he slept. The good squire was vexed the next morning to learn that his guest had been so disposed of, and anxiously expressed a hope that he had had a good ni^ht. "Excellent," replied the visitor, " but curiously enough, someone came into my room — though I thought I had locked my door — directly after I had put my candle out and got into bed. It' was just twelve o'clock, for I heard the hour strike." This, of course, was the ghost. " Well," enquired the host, "and what did he do?" "Oh! nothing; heating him come in, and thinking that he might be wishing to nee me about the business which brought me here, I sat up and eaid — ' I have not tho pleasure of knowing jou, Bir.' Then I added — 'I hope, however, that I shall have the happiness of putting your name down for a donation to my new schools.' But he only walked out," and he haß not been heard of again. WHAT BHE WOULD DO. They were Bitting on a log near the Sock Spring. "And you love me," he said. "Can you ask it?" she answered. "I like to hear you say tho sweet words over and over again," he gurgled. " Then I do love you and love you," she twittered. "And I must leave you to-morrow." " Don't cay it, dear heart, don't say it." " And what will my darling do when I am far away ? What will she do in thi aa lonely evening houra without me ?" " Ahem !" said an, old bachelor, getting up from the dark end of the log, and Btaiting off to the hotel, " I'll tell you what she'll do in these lonely houra without you : she'll be sitting right out here on thio same log with another mash, making as big a fool i £ him as you are." Then he went out iato the darknessWHAT A PLACE FOB COUBTING. At the Poles the evenings are six lnonthalong. Chess players can finish a game before sunrise. THE ANGKLB. Mrs Angelica — " Won't it be just too lovely for anything to have wings and. harps forever?" Mr Angelica (a dyspeptic) — " I don't want any of it in mine. We wouldn't be there a week before you'd want my wings to put on your hat." A HUMILIATING OIVB-AWAT. Toung Cassimere (who has been traceeßßfully passing himself off as a member of, the upper ten) : " Beg pardon, Mibb Haut Tonne, but I believe you're down on my invoice for tho next dance." NOT FOND OF LUXURY. Willie : " I wish I'd been Adam."" Nurse : " Why ?" Willie : "He never had to be a baby, and have a big, strapping" woman like you to wash his face." ONIONS. We once knew a poor unfortunate man who was the prey of everyone. Poorpeople borrowed money of him, rich people ran over him, book agents clung to him, insurance agents followed him from.' morning to night. He commenced eating onions. Now no one goeß near him. A NEW ATTBACTION. A young man got married without consulting his parents or friends. After seeing the bride, one of his friends asked him : " How did you come to marry thatgirl ? She has not got a pretty face, her figure is not good, she is not rich, neitheris she intelligent. What did you find: attractive about her ?" " Well, you ought to see how prettily she sneezes !" THE! TENSES. Old men love the past, young men lovethe future; but if you want to tickle agirl's fancy, give her a present. ASK THE LADIES. "A Wife's Greatest Trial" is the title of a new book. We have not read it, butsuspect that it is her husband. CDLINART SAGACITY-. Mr Newcome: "Mary, tell the cook tohurry up with those eggs. She has had time to cook them, surely." Mary:. "Please, sir, cook says she don't know when they've been in three minutes." MrsNewcome : " Why, haven't you a clock in in the kitchen ? " Mary : " Yes, ma'am ; . but cook says as it's fifteen minutes tooslow." NOTHING LIKE PATIENCE. The governor of a prison asked an inmate who was about to be led to thescaffold if he had any request to prefer. . "I Bhould like a couple of peaches."' "Peaches? Why, we are now in Feb.ruary." "Np matter, I can wait." NO DOUBT. The paper on which the Bank of England, notes are printed is made of new linen or cotton, and a note will support a weight ofr Ihirty-six pounds before it is sized. If the note proper is of the right Bize, it will support a man and his entire family for years. HOBBB FEED. An Irish car-driver, in his list of journey . expenses, entered into the item of "refreshment for horseß," threepence worth of* whipcord. NOT IN WEBSTER. "My dear," said Mrs Lilton to herhußband," why do they bo often put " appraiser " after an auctioneer's name P"* "Because, madame, an auctioneer is always a praiser of the goods he sells." SYMPATHY. "What made you speak to that poorbeggar so sharply P Perhaps she was really deserving of help." Laura : •' Maybo she waa, but she interrupted me just as I was having a good cry over the poor girl' in my novel dying on the rich man's doorstep."