FUN AMD FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 6380, 27 October 1888, Page 3

FUN AMD FANCY.

SHORT BUT SHARP. Always in demand. — An old debt. An ancient relic— A knolled bell. A misfit suit. — One for divorce. Spring novelties. — Fine days. A mean observation. — Taking the temperature. Called to order. — The waiter. A pretty hard rub — A Turkish bath. Turns every girl's head.— The waltz. ONE OF THE ARISTOCRACY. " First small boy : "Where dez Swipsey keep hisself now ? Ain't seed him at all." Second dibto : " He's got too high-toned ter come around here. He's ko stuck up now dat when he eats grapes lie spits out de skins." NEXT BEST THING. "Did you ever go to the circus, Jim ?" asked one small urchin of another. "Not a real circus," said Jim reflectively, " but I seen mother water the garden with the hose." A DANGEROUS PLACE. The hammock is a dangerous place for a young man, particularly if it doesn't break down. A CERTAIN SIGN. I " Bridget, has Johnnie come home from school yet ?" " Vis, corr." " Have you seen him ?" " No, Sorr." " Then how do you know he's home ?" i " 'Cause the cat's hidin' under the stove, sorr." A RUINOUS PERCENTAGE. Customer : " How is your brother doing, Isaacstein, who went to the oil country a year or so ago ?" Mr Isaacstein : " Ah ! poor Abraham, he vas blown oop by dynamite ; dot vas pad." Customer: "You don't tell me. Were his remains found ?" Mr Isaacstein (overcome) : "My frent, not more as twenty- five per cent. Choost think of dob, only twenty-five per cent. Dot vas awful." A VERY OLD SCORE. There once stopped at a tavern a party of wit 3. When the feast was over, one of the members called in the hostess. " Madam," he said, " I am going to give you a lesßon in astronomy. Have you not heard of Jhe great Platonic year, when eyerythinp; must return -to its former condition ? Know, then, that in two thousand years We shall be iiere again on tne same day and at the same hour. Will you give us credit till then ?" The hostess, however, had her roply. " I ani perfectly willing," she retorted ; "butitiß just two thousand years since you were here before, and you left without paying ; settle the old score, and I will trust you on the new." HOLIDAY QUARTERS. '• Will yon walk into my parlour ?" says the landlord with a Einile, We've prepared for summer boarders in the very latest atria ; We've a second-hand piano and some gorgeous chrcniiß gay, A hammock and a tennis court — not big enough for play. "Our little sweat-box bedrooms, with stained matt ing 1 on the floor, Are fitted up with extra nails for clothing on the doors ; The walJs are newly papered— for the seventh time at least— And gnats in beds of cobblestones are eager for a feast. " Our reach, fly-specked dining-room has bran-new bilJs o£ fare, And boarders will be highly pleased— if they can Kveonair ; Our waiters cannot bo excelled for making peopte wait, And tipping dishes on 'em, if their own tips aren't straight. II We've still an ocean bathing— in a pitcher and a bowl; The fishrog hero ia splendid— if you hava a tenmile pole : The~ shooting is mognificent— for anything but game; No gad-flies or the typhoid— in winter— here we claim, - "Our prices are so little fnr the luxuries we give That we have got to crowd you in to make enon<*h to live : But ten pounds weekly and big extras— phew! its hot 1 Just walk iato my parlour andwe'Jl put you in a cot!" ■ AN INTOXICATED FLY^ ■ A guest at a London hotel thus relates an experience : I have heard that tobacco and flies did not agree, so I lighted the blackest pipe I could find, but that fly frolicked through the fog as though he had at last found something he could really enjoy. I then got a lump of sugar and soaked it in hotel whiskey, which is somewhat less deadly than prussic acid, but which I shrewdly conceived would at least weaken the fly's intellect and enable me to capture him alive. I set out the sugar and pretended to be absorbed in my subject. For half an hour the fly refused to notice ifc, but finally his curiosity got the better of his judgment and he went for it. His method of takings drink was to unfurl a species of black hose with a sucker on the end of it, and insert this, with great dexterity between the crystals. I kept perfectly still. He took one toddy and curled his hind legs, took another drink and curled his forelegs, took a third drink and polished his eyes, took a fourth drink and gave himself a rubbing down all over. I expected every minute to see him curl up and die in great agony, for I know what hotel whiskey is, but the more toddies he took the more frisky he grew. Finally, I thought I would wait until he got sleepy, and then I would steal softly up and accomplish his ruin. I waited in vain. Having filled himself up with the exhilarating beverage. I had prepared, that fly entered upon a shameless course of depravity which eclipsed the wildest efforts of his sober momenta. He seemed to view my having provided the drinks in the light of a cordial approval of all his previous actions, and now proceeded to show me what he could really do. He threw somersaults backward and forward, he tied his legs up in hard knots and unravelled them again with amazing rapidity, executed a pirouetbe on my pen I and cracked his heels together, climbed over each particular hair of my head, used my as a doormat, pretended to think my ear was a telephone, and skated down the bridge of my nose. I have seen liquor bring out the wild "humour" of a cowboy, and make an Apache Indian deliriously blood-thirsty and cruel, but never have I seen- 'depravity break so utterly loose as it did in that intoxicated fly.

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