The FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XV, Issue 822, 29 September 1894, Page 9

The FRETFUL PORCUPINE

. The Maoris believe in smali fines and quick returns. The penalty imposed on the owners of a stray dog or pig at the Taupiri meeting was the humble threepence or in default — to go and bring in a load of firewood for the camp, failing which the cur to be shot. - All the fines were paid on the nail !

A North Shore resident, finding that he required 18ft of half-inch iron piping to connect his establishment with the new water service, ' called for tenders .' for the job ! Half -inch iron piping costs 3d a foot or thereabouts, so this important work meant an outlay of say, four-and-six. Ten plumbers were asked (by letter) to tender for the 'contract.' We don't know who was the successful man, but we wish him joy, all the same.

An old soldier, indigent, as usual, died in the Waikato Hospital at Hamilton the other day. He expired at eight o'clock in the morning the inevitable inquest was held at eleven o'clock, and he was buried at four o'clock the same afternoon. Smart work. Not a single mourner followed the poor old pauper's remains to his newly-dug grave. * Rattle his bones over the stones.'

At last the Auckland Hospital and Charitable Aid Board have got a real live credit balance, instead of an overdraft. Congratulations ! But hadn't they better present the curio to the Museum ?

It was cabled the other day from Vienna, that the Austrian butchers are selling Australian frozen meat as 'Austrian.' The London butchers have long been at this game. Australian and New Zealand meat is popularly supposed in England and on the Continent to oe unfit for consumption. The very paupers in London will refuse to eat colonial meat if offered to them as colonial. But as Scotch or Welsh or Southdown it is hugely appreciated, and fetches fancy prices.

And so the estimated cost of landing the trial shipment of Australian cattle per Maori King, in England was £1(5 a head, while theprice realised was only £16 14s. Think of the agonies endured by those wretched creatures during the long journey of seven or eight weeks by cargo steamer to London. And all so that some capitalist might make a few shillings on each tortured beast. Talk about cruelty to animals !

A Quill for Everyone.

And so the bank amalgamation has been knocked on the head. Well, perhaps it is all the better for the colony in general and for those immediately concerned in particular. But it is awkward for the Colonial in one sense. Either too much or too little has been made known of the Bank's financial position. People are anxious now on the score of that bad business, and it will be fortunate if they do not get frightened and even panic-stricken. Possibly, now that the negotiations have gone so far, it will be necessary to complete them, and to do that the Colonial Bank may have to give way on every point.

Bat what puzzles us very much is ■why a bank that has paid a steady dividend of seven per cent for twenty years, which has a reserve fund of £65,000, and the shares in which are well and respectably held, should- not call upon its own shareholders for help, if it requires more capital, instead of allying itself with an institution which merrily paid 12* per cent and bonuses till 18S7. and then slap-bang wrote off £125,000 of reserve and instead of paying a dividend devoted the money (£35.000) to wiping off bad debts. Nor wat this all. The same bank, after, an investigation in the following year, wiped off £500,000 reserve and £300,000 capital. Then, new capital was obtained to the extent of over £400,000, and everybody thought the concern had touched the bottom and the shares went to a premium. But, in 1890, there was no dividend again, on the premium shares- of a year before, and then followed another writing down of £300,000 and a transfer to the Assets Company.

Thus, actually a million-and-a-quarter was written off, being £625,000 reserve fund, and £600,000 capital, and after this the Bank had to co hat-in-hand to the Government for a guarantee of two millions to save it from insolvency. And it is for a partnership with this concern that the Colonial Bank is humiliating itself. Well, the ways of financial institutions are beyond our comprehension. But a business man with the B.N.Z.'s record would have a hard job to get a sound partner. Let us hope, therefore, that the Colonial Bank will not injure its own credit too much by these negotiations.

More Onehunga Borough Council amenities. At Monday's meeting Ma Yates addressed Councillor Jackson as 'my dear man.' 'Oh no, madam,' interrupted the irrepressible sweetly, ' I am not your dear man.' Whereat Councillors all laughed uproariously. Even Her Worship inditlged in a grim smile.

There wasn't much of a rush for the position of dog-registrar, poundkeeper, and ranger to Newton Borough Council, recently vacant. Perhaps the whyness of the thus is explained by the fact that the ' screw 'is nil, and the successf ul applicant is expected to pay his own ex's. He will have to depend on poundage fees and will doubtless olossom forth into a colonial Bothschild in due course. And yet there were only two candidates for the billet !

One of the most refreshing items of news we have heard of for some time is the paragraph in a local newspaper saying that our old and esteemed friend Thomas llussell, of whom we have lately read so much, is sick and tired of the subject of the Loan and Mercantile Agency. Quite so, friend Thomas. But you are by no means so sick of it, dear old former fellow-citizen, as are the people who have lost their money. They are a trifle ill about the Loan and Mercantile and its scandalous mismanagement too, Tom, and they are glad that you are coming out again to look after your Waihi interests, because some of them want to unburden their minds to you, Tom, —dear old Tom — on this subject, if you are not too sick of it to listen to them. And, a word of advice, Tom. If you want to get to "Waihi, don't come via Queen - street. The temperature will be too hot for your health that day, Tom. Make your way via the Bluff, and be thankful if you get to Waihi without feeling sick again. Only that, Thomas.

It is very amusing to read of the Honourable Sir Patrick Buckley, in the Legislative Council, denouncing the Honourable Jenkinson for ' making an exhibition of himself.' Jenkinson had committed the heinous sin of dissenting from one of the Government policy Bills. To use an apt metaphor, he was snapping at the hand that fed him. But, after all, these Labour appointments do seem to have been a mistake. An examination of the division lists for the last two years shows that the four Labour members have voted religiously with the Government on every division, but in every other respect they have been absolute and unconditional failures. However, if their purpose in the Council was to vote as they were required to vote, they have at least mostly earned their honoraria, for they have 'never thought of thinking for themselves at all.' But tailors' dummies would have done equally well, and would at least have saved to the ranks of Labour four good workmen. Rigg, especially, stands out as a dismal failure as a politician, and his recent public declaration that working men who are not trades unionists are blacklegs distinguishes him as a man of very narrow .and bigoted* views on the Labour question. ■ _ ".

' Accidental death ' was the verdict returned at the inquest on poor Patrick Franklin, whose life was crusned out last week while he was endeavouring to restrain a restive horse in Durham-street. Accidental the death undoubtedly was, but the jury might well have added a rider calling attention to the great danger attending these horse-trials on sale days. Durhamstreet is only a narrow lane and wholly unsuited for these trials. Many accidents have occurred in this cramped thoroughfare, due to the same cause that cost Patrick Franklin his life. Sale day is market day and town is always full on that day of country people and others whose lives are endangered every week by these trials of horses from neighbouring sale yards. It is about time such trials were put down. Durham-street is no place for them.

The railway arrangements for the tangi excursion were distinctly Hudsonian. Special carriages were reserved for ladies, but were occupied to some extent" by privileged ' ladies ' of the male persuasion while female ' ladies ' were in some instances allowed to stand on carriage platforms or were huddled indiscriminately into secondclass smoking carriages. . It" doesn't do to travel, on excursion trains in Auckland un-

less you happen to have . friends on the staff. But it is a neat dodge to label carriages 'reserved for ladies,' and then utilize them for influential citizens and other favoured individuals. "We are nothing in Auckland if not partial.

The testimonial infliction still holds its own. It is now proposed to make a recognition of the services of Captain Burgess, who has had a comfortable billet in the Harbour Board service half his lifetime and ought to be pretty well off now. His services have been well recognised all the time by a good salary, but that is nothing. The hat goes round again. Meanwhile, cadging for subscriptions for P. A. Philips and A. R. Haultain is also going on merrily, with varying results. And when these bags of sovereigns are presented, of course the modest Philips and the retiring Haultain will be completely taken by surprise. Of course, they will.

Is it a fact that the Charitable Aid Board force the poor old persons who successfully petition that dread body for admission to the Costley Home to walk out all the way to Epsom in order to reach the old people's refuge. If so, it is a very queer way of showing ' charity ' to the unfortunate devils who are luckless enough to have to fall back in their miserable old age upon the tender mercies of the Charitable Aid Board. The other day the Board opened its heart. A poor old tottering waif of humanity appeared before it and obtained the priceless Tboon, admission to the Costley Home. After solemn discussion, it was agreed to send the old fellow out in the tram to the Home, which seemed to some of the members to be a wonderfully generous proceeding. Bang went saxpence t The Board are now probably trembling in their shoes for fear the Government Auditor will refuse to pass the account and make them pay it out of their own pockets.

The Obskkvkk predicted, when Mr C. E. Button was standing for the House, that before the session ended it would be found that the Bank of New Zealand would have some interests at stake that would require looking after. The Buttonites were indignant. Such a thing was impossible. They knew Mr Button was the lawyer of the Bank of New Zealand, but he wouldn't help the bank if he was in the House, and what was more, the bank had tided over its troubles and did not want helping by Mr Button or anyone else. Quite so. But since Mr Button went into the House, the Bank of New Zealand has gob a State guarantee for two millions of money to save it from insolvency. We do not for a moment suggest that Mr Button helped to get that guarantee, but, as lawyer to the 8.N.Z., did he not know of the shaky condition of the institution when he stood for the House ? and, if he did, would it not have been better if he, being the B.N.Z.'s lawyer, had kept out of Parliament ? However, he is there and he has been very quiet indeed. What is he doing? Let us hope his time is not being occupied exclusively by bank reconstruction and amalgamation legislation.

Onehunga larrikins broke out in a fresh place last Friday night. On that night Onehunga Lawn Tennis Club, which has been holding periodical dances throughout the winter, wound up the series with a ball at the public hall. There was a large attendance, many of the costumes worn being very beautiful. A shed alongside the hall was fitted up as a conservatory for the occasion, and very pretty it looked. Into this improvised conservatory the larrikins sneaked and smeared all the seats with red ochre. In the dim light of the Chinese lanterns the ochre was invisible. But it got there just the same. Several costly ball dresses were completely ruined. This outrage has naturally excited the greatest indignation in Onehunga. The local police ' have the matter in hand ' — as usual. And there it remains. Meanwhile the hobbledehoy hoodlums who perpetrated this disgraceful trick are laughing in their sleeves.

Nowadays, when British men-o'-war sailors spend half their time in polishing up brass-work and the other halt' in lugging their officials' tennis rackets and polo-sticks about town, one cannot always expect the bluejackets to be expert in the handling of a boat. But we hope the bluejacket is not degenerating in these days of no sails and big ugly funnels. The other day the efforts of a cutter's crew belonging to H.M.S. Rapid, to get out under sail to their ship, from the Queen-street wharf man-of-war steps, afforded great amusement to the spectators on the wharf. A southerly breeze blowing, the gallant . tars did not seem to know what to do with their two sails, and they took fully half-an-hour to weather the Railway Wharf, a distance of two or three hundred yards. As it was they twice got nearly run over by the ferry steamers, and then tried to sink the Mararoa which was then lying at the Queenstreet wharf. Then they tried sailing round in a circle, after making three or four boards to clear the 'wharf, and at last by good luck they blundered put into the stream, -amidst derisive shouts from the small .boys' on the wharf. .Oh, yes! Britannia rales the waves.-, j.%- -'.I'-.- -••• > .<

— That Jackson Palmer is not going to Coqlgardie, after all. Here's glfid tidings of great joy for the girls ! — That the Buckland benefit concert realised upwards of £120. We wonder if the P. A. Philips benefit will do half as well. — That Tom Pollard pays his new recruits (who are bound to him for a term of years) six shillings a week and ex's, by way of a start. — That Mrs Mayor Yates leaves almost immediately on a tour of Australia. She is having a fine time of it since she be came a celebrated woman. — That civilisation and barbarism met when Tawhiao was ' planted.' The dead king was accorded ' Christian ' burial to the accompaniment of heathen rites. — That the fatal accident in Durham-street the other day is by no means the first serious mishap that has occurred in the same street, and due to the same cause. — That the latest definition of a barrister (it occurs in the farcial comedy 'Aunt Jack ') is : ' A man who wears a wig and gown and tries to defeat the ends of justice.' — That there has been a great exodus of ' soiled doves ' to Coolgardie by late steamers from Wellington, notably from big stylish establishments at Palmerston North raided by the police. — That at a recent political banquet dowu South the other day, the member for Masterton carved the sucking-pig. A pig carved by A. Hogg is quite in keeping with the eternal fitness of things. — That sneak thieves are robbing the flower-beds in Albert Park, and that when one of them is caught and made an example of the other flower-fanciers may wake up to the fact that the game is hardly worth the candle. — That some people are so keen after ' commission ' that they would ask the undertaker who buries them 'what are you going to allow me for introducing the order,' if they could. Ask Mr W. H. Webbe what he thinks. — That the proposed New Zealand exhibition would be a good ad. for the colony, but Romehow these ' expositions' always show a balance on the wrong side of the ledger when ' settling-up ' time comes. — That a certain notorious quack doctor prescribed "a quicklime hath forapatient in the Waikato, not long since. The patient was a young girl. The quicklime removed every vestige of skin from the girl's body. She is not taking any more baths of that sort now. — That ' Dr.' Beard submitted (willy-willy) to the attentions of the gaol barber on Saturday at Mount Eden. Those flowing locks were shorn. James will have to let his hair grow before he can think of resuming •practice.' Musicians, temperance lecturers, and quack doctors find long hair pays. — That the excursion train to the tangi took £200 in fares. And if pressure had not been brought to bear b> private individuals the train would never have been run. Railway officials don't bother themselves much whether the railways pay or not. They get their salaries all the same. — That when Tawhiao was in London some years ago he put up at a swell boarding-house, and was naturally the ' lion ' of the establishment. One night the 'lion' went to bed leaving all the ladies in the draw-ing-room to discuss him. Whilst the fair ones were still deep in converse, re-enter Tawhiao, clad in the scantiest attire. He had foiuid lie was short of matches and had run down, just as he was about to step into bed, to get some. Tableau !

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