IN THE REPORTERS ROOM

Observer, Volume 9, Issue 530, 16 February 1889, Page 10

IN THE REPORTERS ROOM

By M. T. Qase

I ~W\ID you ever play blufi", o 'Flanagan?' enJLJ^ quired the religious editor. ' I can't say that I have ever heard of such a game,' replied the police-reporter. 'Is it anything like Jolly Miller ?' 4 Jolly Miller ! Why, that's s Sunday- school game. You ought to lmovv that.' ' I know a good deal of bluffing goes on at Sunday-schools, if it comes to that. But what sort oi: a game is bluff ?' 'It's a game at cards. I don't know much about it, but the present state ol affairs at Samoa put me in mind of it.' ' Well, the Dutchman will have to hold a very good hand if he bluffs the Yankee. My own opinion is that the European will throw down his hand.' ' John H. Potter and Whitcombe hold the same opinion, but Fricke and Brown are both of the opposite frame of mird ; and if Bismarck consults iliclr judgment, the spread eaglo will have to give way to the split one.' I have watched the controversy with great interest,' said the chief ' but one thing exercises mv mind greatly. If Potter is going to spifiicate Fricke, and Brown is going to annihilate Whitcombe, who is Whitcombe to go for?' ' When a German does get mad,' said the police-reporter, ' the town is painted red, and hair begins to fly. If Hermann (figuratively speaking) gets his shirt cut. I should advise Mr 0. D. Whitcombe to strike a bee-line for home.' ' That would be a most unobjectionable CD. act, wouldn't it ?' remarked the religions editor. ' What a very respectable lot of people arc opposed to the other !' ' I do not intend to discuss that business any more in this room,' said the police-reporter, ' and I would take this opportunity of expressing my utter disgust with the prominence and prolixity given by the press to the latest Austrian scandal.' ' You mean the Rudolph episode ?' ' I do. It may be very romantic and thrilling, but what do we care for the details of the manner in which a royal blackguard met his death. I daresay the correct version is that he was shot by an outraged husband. If so, I say bravo! and may other titled libertines meet the same fate. The parish priest who refused to offer prayers for the rest of his soul was a brick— a pity his people were not of the same mind.' ' Very few people had heard of this Rudolph before he killed himself, or was killed by somebody else. How easy it is for a man to achieve notoriety ! A fortnight ago he was a nobody — now his name is on all lips, and his ill-doings occupy columns in newspapers all the world over.' ' Better to live and die a nobody, my dear boy, than achieve prominence at such a cost.' ' There is a charm in having one's name on everybody's lips, 1 remarked the religious editor. ' Of course, I would not, for one moment, wish to be a profligate like the late Archduke, although a lovely Bohemian baroness is not to be sneezed at. But one can now-a-days easily acquire fame. For instance, as a Salvation major, a Gospel Temperance organiser, a lay preacher, and in countless other ways.' ' In any of those capacities a man can do what as an ordinary citizen, would be utterly impossible. He can slip up back slums, ogle pretty dcmi-moudahies, chin-chin with a leprous Chinaman, and lots of other dainty little amusements. But, after all, perhaps we are better off as we are.' ' I think so too,' said the religious editor. ' Give me the good old-time religion, and let the religious teetotallers do the fossicking round back lanes, and prowling round the "luxurious halls oi gilded vice " (see recent Melbourne letter).' ' I very much fear that the old-established places of worship are not doing very well now,' said the chief. ' Their annual meetings held during the past few weeks do not disclose a very bright state of things.' 'I noticed that one parson was due nearly one hundred pounds from his congregation, and from the look of the accounts, his chance of getting it was about as remote as a Tramway Company's dividend.' ' In cases like that it comes very hard upon the people who stick to their duties,' said the policereporter. ' One report that I read stated that the impecuniosity of the church was owing to the departure of a number of families, and the diminished incomes of those who remained. If it were in order, I would'move for a return of those who remained, with a statement showing the shrinkage of income and the cause thereof.' 'There's a good deal of quite unnecessary extravagance connected with ecclesiastical matters,' remarked the chief. ' Take for instance the annual General Assembly of the Presbyterian Church of New Zealand. This is held alternately at Auckland, Wellington, and Christchurch. No hotel bills are incurred, the various ministers and elders being billeted upon those able and willing, to entertain them. But, notwithstanding this, the expenses are very heavy, and the question arises :

Does the benefit accruing from these annual assemblies balance the disadvantage incurred by the absorption of a large amount of the funds ? My own opinion is that it does not, and I think that the Presbyterians would do well to have their Assembly meet once in two years.' 4 Congregational extravagance is also to be condemned,' said the police-reporter. _ ' When a church has overflowing coffers, instead of showering wealth upon their minister, I think they should be compelled to contribute towards a general fund for promoting the preaching of the gospel in country and outlying districts. When a parson gets so much money that he does not know what to do with it, he is likely to become worldly-minded. He is prone to neglect hisduty, and inclined to shirk the calls made upon him by i the poorer and humbler classes of his people. A country residence and a buggy are exceedingly pleasant, but how are poor destitute parishioners to tramp several miles seeking for the assistance and consolation that should be within reach of their own doors ? No wonder our city missionaries report that large numbers have lapsed from the various churches. What encouragement have they to attend church? They can't help feeling, when they enter the door, that they are in a place far too luxurious for them, a place too grand, too high-toned for such half- starved miserable wretches as they are, and they lapse accordingly.' • In such a case the proper course is obvious,' replied the chief. ' When a church waxes wealthy, it should employ two clergymen, one to receive a large screw and do the amiable generally, the other to visit the poor and the sick, and to bury the dead, and to discharge other disagreeable and painful duties that might offend the stomach of his better-paid colleague.' 4 It would do some of these pampered sons of the church good to send them away to some savage island, where they could prove their profession of devotion to religion,' said the religious editor. ' I reckon not many of them would stand the ordeal.' 'And yet missionary life is not all toil and privation,' remarked the police-reporter. ' Take, for instance, the devoted and self-sacriflcing Baker, who, with only such intervals as were absolutely necessary for the perservation of life, has buried himself for years at Tonga. Who shall say that his self-exile and noble work have not redounded alike to his Master's glory and his own satisfaction! Would to heaven there were more like him ! If such a man were at Samoa there would be none of the international bickering now going on at that distracted spot. Potter would embrace Fricke, and Brown would salute Whitcombe — yea, " even with mine own hands." The lion would lay down with the lamb, although it would be hard to say which was which— they all roar so loud.' ' By the way, OTlanagan, you have a vote in the Ponsonby district,' said the chief. ' Don't forget to record it ; it is a duty you owe to yourself and society, 1 'It is very awkward. I have friends on both sides and I do not like to burr, their feelings by giving a vote that must be against one side or the other.' ' That is all very well, but a solemn duty like this must be performed at all costs. One side must be wrong — -vote for the other.' ' I get over lhat difficulty very easily,' said the religious editor,' 'by voting for the lot. Of course the vote is informal, but that has nothing to do with me. If the Government are so stupid as to refuse such i\ vote, that is their look-out. One side takes me up in a cab to the pollingbooth, the other brings me down in one of their traps; and I vote for both. What could be fairer ?' ' Nothing. lam sure,' assented the policereporter. ' You have made my path plain, and I shall vote for the whole of the Ponsonby candidates. If you should hear of a slip with no names crossed off, that will be mine.' lAs a rule, 1 am averse to Prohibition,' said the religious editor. ' The very word implies an exercise of power, and power is often exercised arbitrarily. But the opponents of Prohibition, in this case, argue wildly, not to say absurdly. Their chief argument is that the extinction of hotels in the Ponsonby district would result in the establishment of drinking-clubs, low cigar shops and places of questionable repute. The assertion is perfect nonsense.' 4 1 quite agree with you,' said the policereporter. 'If the moderate party have no better arguments than that, they had as well advance none at all. In my opinion the whole question hangs on. the quality of the grog. If you can't get spirits and beer at a pub— shut it up. The sooner such a fraud is abolished the better. In most of the houses in Auckland the stuff sold as beer and spirits is an adulterated componnd of the most villainous nature. I should suggest the appointment of an expert to detect and report such cases.' 4 Well, thank goodness, there are some places where you can get a drop of good whisky,' said the religious editor. 'If you don't believe me, put on your hat and it will be q. c. d. in about two minutes.'