TO CHURCH-GOERS

Observer, Volume 2, Issue 37, 28 May 1881, Page 397

TO CHURCH-GOERS

AND OTHERS WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, THE

FOLLOWING SUGGESTIONS ARE RESPECT-

FULLY DEDICATED,

It is suggested to architects, builders, and others interested in the erection of churches and public buildings generally, that they ignore the utility of roofs as a means of achieving a thorough system of ventilation. Apertures about a foot square, cut out of the gable end or side of a building, to be filled up again with cross-bars one inch apart, are much more desirable. As for windows, well, they are, to the giant minds of the present era, as necessary to ventilation (or draughts) as a chimney to make the fire draw or mother's milk to make the baby thrive.

It is a pity we cannot have a thorough system of air currents in church. For instance, why not keep the doors open on a cold autumn night, more especially if the wind is from the south ? It would tend to make quite a number, otherwise indifferent, take an ovenvhelmning interest in draughts. Colds, coupled with a series of good substantial coffins (coughings), would relieve in a measure the monotony of the service. Hoarse and horribly hearty harmonious coughs from a consumptive congregation might be made acceptable in the sight of God as much of what goes by the name of congregational or choir singing. 'Tis said organists, precentors, and leading singers are paid, not so much to praise the Lord, as to he praised by man.

It is suggested that all who desire to interrupt a service, lecture, or concert, should rigidly adhere to the so-called fashionable folly of coming in late. eyes are turned to admire or stare in astonishment (generally the latter) at the latest "turn-out," and people rather like to have their prayers interrupted. It is suggested to all those who are favourably situated at the top of a pew that they should make manifest their desire for the pure air of heaven or the joys of the family circle by indulging in a series of pressing "shoves" or overbearing "squeezings" — the latter is specially eft'eetive if a lady is being helped on with her wrapper or ulster. It gives people the idea that your animal nature is the most striking part of your presence, and that you are anxious to develop it conjointly with the manners of a swell snob or civilised " cad."

It is suggested to all ladies and gentlemen fond of the social arm-in-arm when going home in the evening, that they continue to persist in taking up the entire breadth of the pavement. The gutter of course is the correct place for all to step into Avliose way leads them in an opposite direction to that of the "sociables."

It is suggested to all pedalers — otherwise 'organists — that pipe thunder in wholesale quantity, even when relieved by "bright flashes of lightning from the upper regions, is not music, neither does it constitute a sound accompaniment. The duty of a pedaler, unless as a so-low-ist, is to retail his (w)arcs in such quantity that neither the eye nor the ear will be offended.

It is suggested to bass singers that a harrowing howl is most appropriate for a man to indulge in whose foot or leg is caught in a trap, but is somewhat out of place in a simple song. There is a very prevalent, not to say popular, belief that a song has,' or ought to havg, "words, with the singer." Will this account as a rule for their utter separation ?