VARTETIES.

Thames Star, Volume XIII, Issue 4266, 2 September 1882, Page 4

VARTETIES.

r Wotto~tha~n"^g^ng~irr"cHapeK—Playr ■ iigr"Nay -in> church;" "' "" „ Ar«4h:!f^Howniay^an Irish female tenant best aroid paying her landlord?— By keeping her rent in arrears (in; her ears). An Irish 'solution of the 1 Egyptian difficulty.—« Arabi-Aisy!" • ■ The Bector (to Irish Plasterer)—" That: "Mortar must hare been very bad."—'.'Pat; (with a grin):." Faix, yecann't expict the likes o' good Roman Cimint to stick to a Protestant Church, Sorr!" •Mrs Ramsbothan and the Egyptian, difficulty.—She knows all about it, and has got the '.names, so correctly. "The idea," she exclaimed; "of a person called! Toothache Pasha T Of-course he'd give trouble, '/should have him out or stopped at once." Oil a shoemaker's signboard in a village in the South of Scotland is the following:— " Boots and shoes, though nearly ended, -> .May be here most neatly mended, '■' I can take and-1 can lend, . j . I can furnish you good bend." , The Biter: Bit—" Hullo, my dear boy ! who the deuce: pinned you on to that rose ?" " Might I, in return, old man, ask who the deuce hung you on to the end of that cigar ?" Very Apparent—Pat:" That's a moighty powerful pony or yours, your rivirence I". Father Doran (none of your light weights): 11 Yes, Pat, he's young, strong, and fit for any amount of work." Pat: "So oi per* carve* your rivirence." When at home, the Chinaman is a .Mongolian. When in the United State? he is a Mustgolian.

BAH WELLEBIBMB. "Erery one to his teat," as the analytical * chemist said when he tasted the aconite. " Very a-gnawing," as the bone said to the hungry.man's teeth. , „. .. - "Two heads are better than one/ as .-the man observed when the post-office young lady told him that his letter was overweight. "'Felicia was gliding' down Tremont utreet, Boston, the other day, with a Derby hat on, and her 'hands in the pocket of a long.ulster, when a small boy ran .up and. said, " Say miss, if yer had a cigar now, you'd be all right, wouldn't you?" "What plan," said one actor to another, " shall I adopt; to fill the house for my benefit ?" " Inrite your creditors," was the sttrly. reply. ./,,, The laws-of Mexico are a bit curious. It takes only 15 minutes to conrict a man of stealing« horse; but if his offence is murder intakes about four weeks to conTictaome one else of it.

'Foreign 1 journals tell of a young German' couple who tried to kiss each other ten thousand times in ten hours. Three thousand kisses were given in two hours, but at the expiration of .the third hour the girl fainted, and, the young man's lips were paralyzed. It, appears that it is possible to get too much of a good thing. Three ■ thousand kisses should hare sufficed until next night, anyhow. Very few young men exact more in one evening —save Sunday night, when they worked a few Lours overtime. A North Carolina orator said that" more than.twenty North Carolinians, who rose to the rank of general, perished in battle during the war." "Whereupon a North Carolina editor suggested that " sons of the old North State, who go to war, should take warning from this, and be careful not to rise in the rank of general." Where is this eug-jesting going to stop P iThe truth of the following story (says tbe Fielding Star) is Touched for by a clergyman : A good old lady, speaking in a prayer meeting, and giving expression to .the joy and confidence she felt, said':- '.'I feel as if I was ready tbis minute to fall Into the arms of Beelzebub." "Abraham ! - You mean Abraham! " hastily corrected a brother sitting near.,-. "Well, Abraham, then/ was the response, "it don't make any difference. They're both good men." : --.

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