WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume CVIII, Issue 16822, 30 May 1919, Page 11

WIT AND HUMOUR.

TO THE CLEHK OF THE WEATHER

(W«ather forecasts are , generally correct now.) I would you were less skilled and less

t / aee Jn forecasts of the morrow's fate. 5? ,- d nofc Uave y°" r weather presage Meticulously accurate. Of old this seemed for days together A gam'oler's guess or poet's dream, But still it left us in the weather, When flagged our talk, a -welcome theme.

To spare us 'trouble then as well as To quell the /ears we longed to quash, You seemed to counsel "No umbrellas," Though Prudence whispered "Macintosh."

If frost came for the summer breezes You have foretold, 'twas ours to know Full oft came—how tihe memory » pleases!— ' Warm sunshine for your fancied snow.

Pray let then; as this bard' advises, Your prophecies, though scoffers flout, . • Still leave the hope of sweet surprises ■•' And Toom for lively play of doubt. — f !'Daily Chronicle." MAN'S LITTLE DAY. First thing a fellow knows at morn He's born; Then, say, at ten , o'clock, the next He's vexed ,By r«adin', 'ritin',' 'rithmetic' ,i, ~, .. ,- Till sick.,,-, At noon he has to .go to work, Or shirk. Then, 'round 'bout two, h e takes "for life" . *

~4 .A wife. From two till time to bring in lights He fights And struggles with his fellow-men ■ And' then ■' ile sits around a while and thinks ' And blinks. ' -And when at last it's time'for bed. He s dead. —New. York "Times." EVENING UP. ' . '" IhQ young couple sat reading, ' +i l,P lla medi «d work," saidthe bride, "that a man requires eight hours' sleep and a woman ten." "Yes," agreed the man, "I've read that somewhere myself." "How nice!" said the bride. x '\b that you can get up every mornin"and have the fire made and the breal£ fast ready before it ia time for me to get up."

• AND ECEDIi). "'. ,-- Moses, and Aaron were partners in business when Aaron was called up to jom the army. About a month after Aaron had departed he received a telegram from Moses. The telegram read: —"Business burned out. Got £IO,OOO insuranoe. - What shall I do?

Aaron immediately wired back. business."

- One month later Aaron received another telegram from Mosps "Business burned out again. Got £13,000 insurance. What shall I do?"

Aaron immediately wired back "Keep the home fires, burning.','

.IMPROVING WITH TIME. Little Beryl, aged ten, was very pretty, but she had one fault—she was vain. .Her father thought he would try to cure her.

One day. seeing hex looking at herself in the looking glass,he asked"Why do you look in the glass dear " "I was thinking how nice I looked," answered Beryl. •'Don't be so vain," returned her papa. "You and I are just- as nature made -as."

■■ "Then," said Beryl, "don't you think nature is doing better work than she used to?" THE CONSOLING WAITER. At the first meal on board the ocean liner Smythe was beginning to feel like casting his bread upon the watersHis friends had told him that when he began to. feel like that he snouid eat a hearty meal. He tackled a cutlet first, but he wasn't struck with its tatse. He observed to the waiter: "Waiter, this cutlet isn't very good." The waiter looked at his witening face, replied, "Y<*=, sir; but for the length of time you'll 'ave it, sir, hit won' matter, sir." A NEW DISH. Some time ago a. well-known Jewish minister was invited to dine at the house of a friend whose wife went into the kitchen to give some final orders. Incidentally, she added to the servant, "We are to have a Jewish rabbi to dinner to-day." For a moment themaid surveyed her mistress in grim silence. Then she spoke with decision. "All I have to say if," she announced, "if yon have a Jewish rabbi for dinner you'll cook it yourself."