WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume CI, Issue 15456, 19 September 1914, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOUR.

ELUSIVE. Some things on earth are very strange; The mysteries thereof are many. They say this is a world of change, Aid yet I cannot borrow any! IN THE BALCONY. As twilight deepened, he and- she Were s.ttmg in the balcony— They two together, s.de by side, To iiold her hand he vainly tried. "Oh, no," said she; ''l never could Permit you to; my lady would! Besides," she added, "you forget 'Tis hardly dark enough Just yet." The Waiter-: —"Are you feeling like a little roast pork to-night, s.r?" Wigg—"AVhy don't you settle dowy and take a wife?" Wagg—"l don't know whose wife to take." Ella—"Allow a horrid man to kiss me? Never." Stella. —:"Neither would I. But thank goodness, there isn't one. among all the male acquaintances." Owner of Car—""Why did you leave your last place?" Cflauff-eur —"The guy I worked for went crazy. Started shingling h s house when his car needed new tires." Silicus—"When, is the proper time to congratulate a bride and groom?" Cymcus—"After they have lived together for at least a year, and axe still happy." ■-The Serious Girl—"l always work to ' be engaged at a h'gher salary than the year before." The Frivolous Girl — "And I always try to be engaged to a higher salary than the year before." Interviewer —"May I ask why you pa.mt nudes exclusively?" Celebrated Artist—"Certainly I Stylfes in women's clothing change so fast that _a costume picture would be out of date before the paint was dry!" "Fadder," said Isadore, "our teacher read us to-day of two rich mens. Von made his fortune py honest pusiness. und de odder von made his py fraud? Vich vould you radder pe?"—"Vreli made de most." Boy—"B,in 'ere long, mister?" Angler—"About an hour." Boy—"You aint- caught anything, 'ave ycr?" An- ' g"er—-''No, not yet, my lad." Boy—''Ah, I though so, as there wasn't no water in that pond till all' that rain last night." Shop Forewoman (to great musician, practising on the French horn) —"The factory over the way send their compliments, and will you sw.tch off on to another note, 'cos a lot of the 'ands 'ave mistook it for the dinner horn." Settlement Worker (visiting tenements) —"And your father is working now and getting fourteen dollars a week? That's splendid! And how i much does he put away every Saturday I night, my dear?" Little Girl—"Never | more than three quarts, ma'am." i "Do you understand this building loan scheme?" asked the prospective investor. • ' 'Sure! They build up a ihouse and you pay so much a month. By the time you are thoroughly dssatisfied with the place it's yours," replied the knowing one. i "My deaa"," said Mr Closefist's better half, "I think' that I had better see the doctor , about my hearing."— "Nonsense," retorted the tight one, "your hearing is as acute'as ever. What put that idea into your head?" —"Weli, they say that money talks, but I have not heard it say a thing for months."

Two Pullman porters, representing different railroads, met off duty and progressed from friendly gossip to heat-ed argument. Their quarrel centred about which, one worked for the better road. Their 'claims, figures, and arguments came fast and furious. At last the tall, thin porter settled the dispute with these classic words: "Go on. niggah; we kills mo' people den you fellahs tote." Housewife (to new domestic) —"There is on thing I wish to say to you. The last g'rl had a habit of coming into the parlour and pia-y.ng the piano occasionally. You never play the p:ano, do you?" New Domestic —"Yis, mum, I play; but I'll her to charge yer half a crown a week extry if I am to fur-' nish music for the family." "My friend," said the solemn man, "have you ever done 'aught to make the community in which you live thp better for your living m it?" —"I have done much, sir," replied the other luimb'y, "to purify the homes of my fellow-beings.' —"Ah;" continued the solemn man with a pleased air, "you distribute tracts?" —"No;; I clean carpets." I A couple went to a Western preacher in a small mountain town to be mari ried. .After all was completed the couple evinced no disposition to leave the chancel. So the clergyman held out his hand, shook hands with the bride, and then held out his hand to the bridegroom. The latter had his fist deep in Il's trousers pocket, and as the m : n ster stood with his hand out, he said, somewhat impatiently, and in a tone that cou'.d be heard all oyer the cburch: "Well, I'm getting the money out as fast as I can." Mrs Whann, the weep'ng widow of a well-known man, requested that the words, "My sorrow is greater than I can bear" be placed upon the marble slab of her dear departed. A few months later the lady returned and asked how much it would cost her to have the inscription effaced and anI other substituted. "No need of that, ! marm," replied the man, soothingly; i "you see, J left jes' enough room to add 'alone.' " They were discussing the North : American Indian the other day in a rural school, when the teacher asked if anyone could tell him what the leaders were called. "Chief," answered a bright little girl at the head of the . class. "Correct," answered the teach- , er. "Now can any of you tell me what I the women were called?" There was silence for a minute or two, then a small boy's hand was seen waving aloft eaaer to reply. "Well, Frahkie?" asked the teacher. "Mischief," he \ proudly announced. "Ah, sir," said a seedy-look : ng in- ! dividual who got into conversat.on in a railway carriage. I've seen some changes. I was once a doctor with a large practice, but, owing to just one little si p, my patients began to leave i me. and now I'm just living from hand Ito mouth —"What was the slip?" j inquired the other passenger. "We'l, s''r," he replied, "in filling in a death certificate ior a patient that had died, I absentinindedly signed mv name in l the space headed 'Cause of Death'!" ; Isaacs and Cohen were going for a : trip to Australia, and shared a bunk between them. When they retired for the night Isaacs noticed Cohen putting on a lady's nightdress, trimmed with ribbons, lace, etc. "Good gracious, 1 Cohen, vat on earth are you putting on that ridiculous thing fnr?" Colie i: "Sh! It's a'.l right, mv boy, if anything happens, tliey always save the women and children first."

A of Scottish lawyers were gathered round a brew of toddy one evening, and the conversation turned upon a question of pronunciation. "Now I always say 'neether.' " one of the lawyers said, in discuss'ng the word "neither." —"I say 'nyther,' " remarked another lawyer. Turning to a third lie a.-sked, "What do you say, Sandy?" Sandy, whose head was a little muddled by too many helpings of teddy, woke up from a gentle doze. "Me!" he said. "Oh, I say whuskv!"