Wit and Humour.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIC, Issue 13330, 6 July 1907, Page 3 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

"And when you -old him I was 1:1.1 rri_'d," said the girl -who had jilted him, "did he seem to be sorry":" "Yes." replied the other, ,: he said he was v:ry sorry—although he didn't know the man personally." 0 " Dorothy, you g,?: your pivMy hair from vonr mother, don't you?" "I cV-n t know: but I think I must ■■' go' i< fu.i.< •'Papa: "I'm th 1 captain i.t t'r':- .-!t.|Mamma: "Then I suppose I'm the pilot." Little Tommy.: "Then I must b.- the compa.!\ becans: the captain and the pilot are always boxing the compass." "Where was he struck by the motor car?" asked the coroner. "At the jur.ction of the dorsal and cervical vertebrae." an- ' swered the surgeon. "Will you please point that ont on the map?" asked tho coroner, indicating one that hung on the wall. • First Burglar: "What, back so soon. Bill! What" did yon pet?" Second Burglar: "Xothing; we're too late. There's a recepted plumber's bill a-layin' on the tab!?!" Mr: "What is that woman acres? the way trying to sing?" Mrs.: "'My sweethearts the man in the moon.'" Mr: "Well, if he doesn't hear her it isn't her fault," " Doctor. I want to thank yon for your valuable medicine." "It helped you. did it?" asked the doctor, very much pleased. "It helped me wonderfully." " How many bottles did von find it necessary to take?" "Oh. T didn't take any of it. My uncle took one bottle, and I am his sole heir." Ony* nielH- Pacanini was going in the Paris Opera Hon?e. where lie was icnish everybody by playing on one string. Brfnsr late-.-he took a cab. and' when he arrived at his destination the c?.bby wanted ten francs. "What!" he exclaimed, "are you crazy?" I have only had you five minute?." "I know it is much, said the other, "but for you who made a fortune by plaving on one string, it- must- be ten francs." "Well," said Paganini. handing him th* right fare, "when you can make your cab go on nw wheel come to me. and T wiTI give yon ten francs." A native of Ireland started away on his first trip. Xever having b-fn in a railroad rtation he did not- know how; to get his ticket, but he saw a lady going in and determined to follow her lead. The lady -went to the ticket-box, and putting down her money, said: "Maryhill, single." Next in the line "was Pat, who promptly planked down his money and said: " Patrick Murphy* married." Mrs Parvenue (patronisingly): "Were any of your ancestors men of note? Mr Flippant : Yes, madam, I should say so. One of them was the most famous admiral of bis day,-and commanded the allied forces of the world. Mrs Parvenue: (with, altered tone of deep respect): Is it possible, Mr Flippant? And- what was his name? Mr Flippant: 2Jbah, madam. * One wintry evening two commercial travellers—one an Englishman and one a) Scotsmen—were travelling in London in , a. first-cless carriage by themselves, and soon struck Tip an acquaintance. Presently tbey had a game of cards, and were so engrossed in it- that they were quite startled to find that they were approaching Eustom. The Englishman, who had been steadily losing all along, asked tie Scotsv men how much he owed him. The Scotsman replied "Ten pounds." The Englishman handed him a five-pound note, four sovereigns', nineteen shillings, and sixpence in silver, five-pence halfpenny in coppers, and found be . was still a halfpenny short. He expressed his regret, but the Scotsman said: " Dinna fash yersel', mon, aboot the wee bit bawbee; ye can gie me yer evening paper." When yon see a girl pasting a scrapbook full of cooking recipes oit.- of the newspapers, yon know pretty veil that some young man is in a position to be congratulated, and yet, when yon think of the recipes, yon ftel rather sorry for him, too.

"• f'nndtieror. do yon allow drunken peop!o on this carV" " Xo. madam." r.-p'.L-d the conductor, •" but, sit down and. nobody will notice you." On a suburban trolley-car. the other day, a. man got on who was badly under tlij influence of liquor. He got a seat and mad? himself quite offensive to an old hidy who sat near him. When the conductor ram-- round for his fair this old lady i?ii--.]vd rp and said : \n d'. ni>:: wm»ld n"t he'Kve he could h-ar hi- wife talk a di.-tanc* of five mile? by telephone. His better half was in a country Unrn s -' v:l;l1 miks :nvay > w!k> ' V • 1,. r ., ,Vas a telephone, and the sceptic -was a'l-o in a place wh re was a- similar instrument, and on being told how to operate it. he walked boldly up and shouted : "Hello. Sara.*' At that instant lightning struck the telephone wire, and knocked the man down, and as he scrambled >to his feet hj? excitedly cried : " That's her !" A young man engaged board and lodging in a private family who were extremely d?vnut. B.fore each meal a long grace was said. To their dismay and horror the new boarder sat bolt tipright while the others at table reverently bowed their heads When the second day passed, and young man evinced no disposition to unbend, good lady of the house could endure the situation no longer. " Atheism ?" asked she. sharply. "Xo. madam," humbly responded the new boarder; "boil." THE TRAMP'S REQUEST. " Ple->s? mum," said a tramp, " would you be so kind to let me have a ne:d> and thread?" "Well, y-e-s." said the housewife at the door. " I can let you have that." "And could you oblige m-> with a small piece of stuff to patch my clothes?" " Oh. yes. I think I can manage that. Will this do?" " Thankee very much, mum. It's a little different colour from my suit. I see. Perhaps, mum, you could spare me some of your husband's old clothes that this patch will milch." . T d.-vlaiv» Yon'r-s clever, my »m. nrA TV. giv you an old suit. Here is one." - '" Thankee greatly, mum. T ye it's n little large, mum. but if you'll kindly furnish me with a square meal, mebby I can fill it out." The captain of the Scottish fire brigade was dead, and his funeral- was a Tecord in wreaths, in mourners, and in woe. Universally respected he was universally regretted, the inhabitants turning out in their hundreds to march down to the cemetery to the strains of the local band. But there was one dissentient aroongrt the throng of sorrowful admirers. " Weel," he remarked sadly, severely, nay v even bitterly, "he's outcome many a fire, but ah doot this vin'll beat him."