A HANDFUL OF PROVERBS.

Taranaki Herald, Volume XLVIII, Issue 11568, 8 July 1899, Page 2 (Supplement)

A HANDFUL OF PROVERBS.

' Jus? in time ' is the brother of ' Just too late.' * Uardwork is a better relish than, Worcester Sauce. Too polite oftt-n gets none at all It is always possible to do one's best. The old umbrella seldom gets lost. Fall m love with whom you please, l>ut be very careful whom you marry. Men may be judged only by their temptations. He who carries a guinea in each pocket walks between two friends. Ihe man who cannot beat the donkey beats its sadd c ; it is uot always the real culp-it who gets the blame There ar j two class-s of people io the world — those who ride bicycles and those who dodge then. (Sympathy is like a kiss, good for nothing until it is divided between two. Affirm, but deny not; f/r truth is greater tbau thyself, Don't put up your umbrella before it rains. .Oi.e cm never t-ll what syle of ugliness an artist will admi:e. No amount of frugality can suffice to a man who has no income. It is no consolation t> get chewed up by a first cla-s dog. What makes fr c ids give sympathy; who retains friends posse -sis diactt tion. To poke fun is sometimes to pike a fire.

Academy.

NATURALLY. ' George, are y ou doiag anything for that dreadful cough.' « Yes.' ' What ays you doing.' ' Coughiog.' ASTRONOMY AT HOME. Mrs Outertowne — Oh Henry, our new cook is a stir. Mr < uter.owue — If she only proves a fixed one. A FEMINLNE VIEW, ISo Carry is to be married. I suppose she is very hnppy. Kuth —^appy ? I should say *o ! Mr Fixton , her fiance, doe>n"t amount to much but her trous-eau is just elegant. RATHER WARM. " Speaking of battles, major," said the bud of a former season, " wero you ever in what might be termed a real, serious engagement?" " Well, ratheF," replied the major, "I was once engaged to a widow for turee weeks." CONTR VRY. Mrs Newlyblessed (wearily) : " Mortimer, what can be the matter with that child ?" Mr Newlyblessed (carrying the screaming infant up and dowa the room desperately) : " I believe it is just mad because it is so sleepy that it can hardly keep awake." He had taken his punishment like a little man, and for some time afterwards had been buried in thouorbt. " Mamma," he said, finally. " Well, Willie?" '•'Do you really spank me because yon love me so much ?" " That \a tbo reason I panish yoa, Willie." "And don't you love papa at all ?" quicklTbettled. Mr Sprotrgins : " And if I decline to let you have my daughter, what do you propose to do ?" Mr Wibbleßon — " I warn you that in that case we are prepared to act. Even now by beloved Aorelia has her best clothes on, and awaits me near the railway station. If you decide against us we will flee together and never come back. 1 ' Mr Sprojrgins (without a moment's hesitation) : " Then, I refuse." INCONSIDERATE. " I will never invite that young woman again," exclaimed the hostess, who looked worried. v ' But she is very intellectual, anil seems anxious to bs agreeable." " Yes ; but she lacks tact. £he insists on trying to get that gentleman who has been divorced twice to converse on the question, Is Marriage A Failure ?" MUCH TO BE DESIRED. '• Oh, my friends, there are some specfacles that one never forgets !" said a lecturer after giving a graphic deacrii tion of a terrible accident ho had witnessed. " I would like to know where they sells 'em," remarked an old lady in the audience, who is ahvayß mislaying her glasses.

RAPID PROGRESS. Hiss Vera deMuir—" Well, here we are in the conservatory, and I believe that rose bush lias scratched my cheek. Will you look and see ? ... Oh, bow dare you !!'■ Mr Fairleitrh Trapt (d="*ply penitent) —" Forgive in*', Miss Vera. I could not help it. Let mo see, darling, if tber6 isn't a scratch on the other cheek." SOON GOT RID OF MR GINK. Sbirp Dame —" I must frankly tell you. Mr Ginx, that ray consent to yoar, marrying my daughter has been wrung from me under protest." Mr Ginx—" Eh, protest?" Sharp Dame —" Yes, 9ir. I knew that if I did not consent she would disgrace the family name by an elopement. W hen she wants anything we all have to give in to her, or take the consequences ; and long experience has taught me that 1 might as well try to fan off a cyclone as reason with her when she gets angry, especially if there is a flat iron or a rolling pin handy, and 80 I just give up at once. Has the wedding day been fixed on yet, Mr Ginx ?" Mr Ginx —" Um —er, not yet ; and in fact, madam, I'm —l'm a little afraid I cannot afford to marry. Good-day." I Gold coins are in circulation twice as long as copper ones. The favourite vegetable of the plum- ] ■toer. —Leeks. He is a wise man who can read aright a woman's sigb. He is even a wiser man who can interpret a woman's ■silence. Johnnie — *' Let us see, haw, haven't I seen yonr face before 7" Maid — j •'Very likely, sir ; I always wear it in front." " "What about the health of the place ?" " Health!" said the resident. "See here. Since the town was started j only one man has died, aud he was a doctor." " What did he die of ?" 4t He died of starvation. 1' 1 How long did you know your wife before you married her, Grims V fTiota minute. Don't kno.v her yet ftever wift know her.' Little drops of water Poured into the milk Enable the milkman's daughter To dress herselt" in silk. Mr Biown has the reputation of being very inattentive to his wife. The only time he was known to ge out with her was when the gas exploded.