THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

Temuka Leader, Issue 1994, 14 January 1890, Page 2

THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

I da not know whether it is on my heid or my heels lam standing thia blessed minute, lam somewhere about b.Jf way bfitwf»er> rr*\ down-right madness and delirium, tremens. Talk about delightIn i.eaa ; but my eoodition is frenzied ecstasy ever since I rend a few weeks ago that the more a man drinks the loiager he iives. I may as well expl do my meaning. At a temperance meeting not long ago the otator of the evening stated tha' cold-water drinkers lived a good deal longer thaa babituil or moderate drinkers. This made a great impression on me. I thought th-.t there was only one Sir Cori K.O.M.G., in the wor l *, und that for the suke of humanity it was my boundeo duty to prolong his exis'ence .is long as possible. I donned the Mu-;, find folt not myself at all. I » BXt took a philosophic tarn, mid began to debate withio iiiyse f the question whether, if 1 were to drink and dr, tha world could go on well withont. me] Fur some time I f 1-, that the world could not very well *ff id to l.»se m«, and held to my bit of blu , but I still doubted whether I was right, and my mind whs upset. Relief ciine. The papers announced one morning that it had been HcibntiQcally proved thai the first maa to die is the total abstainer.

It appears that some time ago the Bniish MedicM Association ..pointed a committee of doctors to enquite into the matter. Th*y have done so, and after oi quiring into the causes 0 f 4234 deaths, found that total ibstinencf had killed at an earlier age than anything else, as will ba seen from the following :

m , , . YY fl - Days iotal dbstliners lived ... ... 51 22 Habitual y intemperate drinkers... 63 13 Careless drinkers ... ~, i>t 59 gy Freednokers ~, ~ tt§ 57 59 Decidedly intemperate drinkers... 53 3 I saw at once that the world coald Dot gat ou at hll without me, and felt T hod had a providential escapa from killing myself with cold water, Off oume the ! blue, and down went the liquor, and there and then I resolved to be habitually intemperate, aod live 63 years 13 days ; a cureless drinker, and live 59 years 67 days; a free drinker, ajd live 57 y«ar« 59 days ; and a decidedly intemperate drinker, and live 53 years 3 days, making in all 232 years 142 days. This is the ciuso of my delight. The more 1 can drink the longer I shall live-, and 1 mean to drink as muoh as I can get. My only trouble now is the free drmkiog. I got on well with free drinking during the holidays, but my friends are not keepinit up as well us I could wish. Perhaps when they know that by supplying me with free drinks they will prolong my life by 57 years and 59 days they will shout more freely. This is a gentle reminder, anyhow.

1 suppose readers of this paper have noticed tha attacks on the hoapifcal authorities, but probably they do not know the source of their inspiration. It is simply th-ri: The editor was kicked out of the hoapiUl at lust, and is very angry over it. Hence the whole trouble.

I Hotic- that the local bodies refused to take any notice of the hospital cases becuuso they had nothing before them but newspaper reports, and lo condescend to act oq Buch information would be infra dig. They are going to wait now until the hospital authorities corae to report the matter to them.

I have just heard u atory about the hoßpital. A wom*o was brought up b*fore the Resident Magistrate charged with being of unsound mind. '• His Worship," said my informant, " did not think Bhe was bad enough to send her to the asylum, so ha ordered her to the hospital. When -ve took hor to the hospital they would not let her in, but ordered her lo ba takes to the Old Man's Home."

I notion that Mr J. D. Jones has withdrawn his support and friendship from this paper from the first of the New Year. This ia a serious matter, it i"h a s;d thins; t 1 lose the friendship of Mr Jones on the first day of the last decade of the 19th century. The gravity of the consequences will be appreciated whev this is considered. Now all th;a ocourred through my friend Mr Cabbage « ying Mr Jones was so little appreciated tl.at he was not a member of the council. Mr Jones has an inflated notion of his own importance, Lord Byron said that

Kind nature made one perfect man, And broke the die iu framing Sheridan. Mr Jones does not believe this. He thinks the proper ruadiog should have been " One perfect man kind nature owng She broke the riio in framing J, D. Jones." The wholo trouble lies in thia. The man .vbo has to oany his constitutional infirmitirs from hia cradle to his grave is an übject for coitrnis' ration. A delightful story bus reached me concerning a relrench'nent member of Pa* ument. He travelled with his Exc'llnoy the Governor in hia reserved earri«ge to the opiuiog of the Exhibition, and, of course, !iko all true retrenches, had blue b'ood in his veins. Ail retrenchmsnt members are rich and a istociauc. At oqo of the side statious h« wanN : .i .-. drink, and called the guaid to bring him 'i bottle of whisky. The guard did so, und tb« train went on until it reiebod near Dunedin. Then the great M.H.R. oallt-d the guard and sui, "Guard, take that bottle back to tlia publican, and give Him tbese two shillings to pay for what we bid out of it." The guard said the bottle was nearly empty when returned, >md the publican naid, "They drank five bobs worth, and only paid 2.5. Well, Ibe blowpd." That menaber is the proper sort to retrench.

This reminds me of the story of tha factory girls and the Governor, or, mora strictiy speaking, the Governess. Of course, it is right te call the wife of the Governor (he Governess. Well the Governor and Governoss are, of course, very aristocratic, but so as to pleaas the people of this colony they are doing everything in a very democratic manner. They think, of course, that the proper wy to win the affections of the people is to patronise ihem, aud with this object in view they invited the factsry girls of DunodiQ to a ball at Govern mentlouse, their partcers to be the sailors from the ships of war in port. To Lady Onslow's chagrin a short time after isauiog the invitation, she got replies from several of the f-icfc iries as follows :—" The ladieu of factory decline the honor of LTdy Onalovv's invitation to a ball." Theresas a nice snub for her ladyship. Lady Onslow must mind her p's and q's when denling wnti youug New Zealand. She hf»s not the miserable creatures of the Homo cities to deal with in Dunedin. M*ny of the Dur.rdin factory girls are well educated, well brought up, ;• ud well mannered, und it certain'y was to > much to make * convonianco of them so <is to find partners for the j a ok Urs.

I wi a near forgetting that the editor took u mum of ma when he returned from 'h ■ hospital. It was on the evening f ,f I\; ~w Year's day, and I was io a delightful condi'ioD aft&r indulging in free drinking amongst my Scotch friends. I wus well pleased with myself, and with the whole of craation, and wae calculating how much I h,d lengthened my life by that day's drinking, when I felt a heavy blow struck on my rierht arm, then on my left arm. then on my left lug, and then on my right one. I felt paralysed, and found that both my legs and arms were broken. I looked round, and saw the editor behind me with a grin of satisfaction on his face, as he told me I could take a turn in Ihe hospital now. 1 said I would not, and I have not gone there. lum getting on as w»ll bh could be expected, but am not ne\ enough yet to write with my hand, and in writing these notea I have had to hold the pen beiwc-en my teeth. Gori O'Lanus, K.C.M.G,