The Troubles of a Would be Dramatist.

Te Aroha News, Volume II, Issue 88, 7 February 1885, Page 5

The Troubles of a Would be Dramatist.

I am a very quiet, retiring gentleman, dabbling in literature Shori essays, love poems, and such like articles emanate from my pen, without, however, making my name famous. Now, although I have stated myself to be retiring, yet at one time I was very ambitious. I wrote a play in fifty-two acts, each to occupy a week in playing, so that a whole year would necessarily be occupied in producing it, and, what's more, I meant to perform it myself. I found the best way to get it talked about was to attend regularly from twelve till three at a certain bar, central to West End theatres, and there ear- wigging actors, discuss my tremendous effort, which was to bring me both fortune and fame I bad a pretty fair stock of coin at the time, but it wad marvellous how it dwindled away at that bar. I was constantly standing treat to actors and others. A few, I might say three, of the habitues of the bar (at least, they were al. there when ever I put in an appearance) addressed me by my surname -N orgies and usually shook hands with me They all admired my description of the famous drama, said it would be sure to m-ike a hit, and send rival managers mad, especially those of them that had not been so fortunate as to secure, it first ; but up to the present no one had made a bid tor it, or for my service-, although I had once played in "Othello :l at an amateur theatrical performance in aid of the Fiji cannibals, to whom several missionaries were sent, out in consequence, and stayed there, entombed in the stomachs of that interesting race of beings. " Noggles, dear boy !" said one of my intimates, who was a regular walking directory about things theatrical, " why don't you get your drama licensed by the Lord Chamberlain ?— that will be the first step towards success — managers will nibble at it then."For this brillant idea I was mulcted in a five-pound note (only as a loan, of course), to be religiously returned at Doomsday, L suppose, for, from the hour of parting up to the present, the money has not been returned. I acted on his advice, and packing up the MS. and sketches of the scenery in a very roomy portmanteau, char tered a hansom, when Noggles and his fortunes were conveyed to the august Chamberlain's office. 1 fancied I saw a look of di>may on the reader's face when I kept diving into the portunnteau as if I were dipping into a lucky bag, bringing up several acts at a dive, all neatly tied wiih green silk cord. "Is that all ? " he asked blandly, with just a tinge of satire in his tone, as I gently wipei my brow with a brand new silk handkerchief. " Yes ," I replied with a sigh, regretting at the moment that I had not carried out my original intention of extending the play to two year?, as they do in China and Japan. " Will you kindly oblige me with a Mst of the titles ?" he asked, a peculiar smile playing about the corners of his mouth, which, I must confess, savoured of chaff to me. However, the arbiter of my dramatic future wa^ too mighty a p3rsonage for me to show my re^e tment to, although a time might coma when he would be obsequious to me. " The M 3. you see before you, sir, all belongs to a single drama " I remarked, drawing myself up proudly. "Nothing like it has ever come before you, 1 trow." *' How many acts are there ?" he asked. " fifty two, each act to last the entire week." 41 You'll have to pay full licence for each act," he remarked, with a ferocious grin, a<» l thought. "Thesumofono hundred and four pounds in all " "What!" I exclaimed indignantly. "All that money for reading and licensing a drama? Preposterous!" Drawing himself up magisterially, he said severply, as he glanced at my card — " Mr .\oggles do you suppose that the valuable time of Her Majesty's servants can betaken upfor a whole year residing jour drama for the modest sum of two guineas, or thr^e at the outside?" '* Think of the bles-ings it will bring upon our native land," I remarked, asuming a theatrical attitude, and waving my hand, with a smile full of benignity. "That's a moot point, sir," he remarked sententiou-'ly. " What will you do ?" '■ Take my colossal work home again," I replied with asperity. " The manager who produces it will have to pay for the licensing." Having delivered myself of this crushing remaik, I forthwith packed up the precious drama, b ide the man who retused to immortalise himself by reading my piecious effu-don go >d morning, and staggering under my load, made my way out, followed by derit-ive laughter, as I could have sworn. At last I got the ear of a manager an enterprifing man — whose ambition was C)li)8-al, like my own. But the introduction cost many a soy -in fact, 1 came to the conclusion that getting a play produced was an expensive affair. However, it was something that Fortune smiled upon me. What mattered how much I had spent in pursuit of the fickle jade now that I had got her in my grasp? Once more I chartered a hansom, and, full of smiles (failure never entered my head for a moment), was driven to the manager's office, accompanied by the colossal drama. "Take a seat, Mr Noggles," said the great gun, with urbanity, eyeing me critically, and with approval, as I flattered myself. I had read and heard of many a genius having been in appearance a tatterdemalion ; but here was f, a spic andspan swell, just turned out by a Bondstreet tailor, faultless as to dress, and a man of parts, as I flattered myself. '* You have something good, I hear," he remarked blandly. " A drama in fifty-two acts." " Yes, my dear sir, you have been correctly informed," I replied pleasantly — " Something that will make the fortune of an enterprising manager, and smash up all his rivals. With your permission, I will read it to you." "Thanks!" he replied drily. "I have waded through your 'Scenario' You mention a real thunderstorm, flow is that to be done, my dear Noggles ?" I liked his familiar tone : it augured well, and 1 replied lightly — "Oh, that's easily managed — a sliding roof to be uncovered when a storm is raging." " But it might occur at the wrong time. Besideß the audience might object to it You see, real rain and thunder and lightning are all very well out of doors, but not in." I confess I didn't like these objections, which savoured too much of the practical ; but. of course, I kept my feelings well under control, merely remarking — "My dear sir, matters of detail need not trouble great minds like ours. The thing is to produce my drama." ' Exactly, my dear sir : my sentiments to aT" My hopes began to revive. The bait had evidently taken, and the name of Noggles would descend to posterity covered with laurels of fame. "You will produce it?" I remarked, grasping his hand with fervour,

"Yes, under certain conditions; cash down to the tune of five thousand pounds, and bills at decent intervals for a similar amount. If you agree, I guarantee to place the thing before the public promptly, ro» gard I ess of ex pense. " "Yes!" I thought, * "at my expense. Ten thousand pounds ! Impossible ! I will think the matter over," I said. "Of course, money is tne object with me, sir." He smiled graciously, and I took my leave — a sadder but a wiser man. The bar at a certain famous restaurant saw me no more : the name of Nogorles was a tiling of the extreme past there. In consequence of the great noises I made (my landlady somewhat vulgarly styled them " hawful rows ") I received warning, and had to vacate my pleasant lodgings. How true it is that misfortunes never come alone 1 managed to secure lodginga in a quiet street, and so ferocious did my disposition become that I afc once set to work to invent an infernal machine that would annihilate a whole army at one blow. My window overlooked a wardrobe establishment just opposite, at the drawing-room window of which appeared a lady daily, of exquisite loveliness and richly apparelled. 1 wa« short sighted, owing to the drama I had written, but still it was sufficiently good to make out the charming graces of the lady in question. In the same house as mine was a fellowlodger who, morning and evening, played the flute. *• He is serenading her," I thought. " Noggles, you must enter the lists. She is very lovely, has money, no doubt, and is evidently smitten with you. Your rival must be silenced." I was no mean performer on the double bass, an instrument 1 had too long neglected for the perfidious drama. One evening I produced it, and flatter myself that the flautist was nowhere. I completely drowned his tootling. My instrument gave forth a volume of sound, at times groaning as if attacked by a very bad colic. My base rival gained the sympathies of our landlady in some underhand way, and she gave me warning But I was equal to the occasion. She kept three cats, two dogs, a parrot, several canaries, besides domestic fowls. Takingdown an old volume, [ pretended to read an Act of Parliament prohibiting more than one of a kind of any bird or beast being kept in any house in the United Kingdom. I heard no more of having to 'ci r^ ; but I did of my rival, vho begin to learn the trombone, against who^g SDnorous notes my poor double baps stood no chance. A diabolical idea occurred to me I would invite him to visit me, and play him a trick that would force him to abdicate both the lovely lady opposite and the lodgings in my favour. I succeeded beyond my most sanguine expectations, as will presently appear Procuring anumber of yellow gingerbread cakes, I placed them on my table, attaching to them pieces of wire. When he appeared 1 said ferociously — "Ha ! ha ! You die ! The yellow substance before you is dynamits ! Swear to abdicate everything in my favour — even to the obnoxious trombone— or you are blown to smithereens !" tie fled wildly from the spot, and I laughed gleefully. But presently an inspector and two constables came and took me off to the station, placing the ginger bread cakes very gingerly in a bag, and despatching them to Woolwich for inspection. I languished in prison a whole wees, when I was released, and rushed to my lodgings, only to find that the wardrobe shop had been burned down in my absence. Judge of my astonishment on learning that the lady I had fallen in love with was . only a wax image. Now I eschew an biHon, j and conclude that all my troubles arose from ( being " too clever by half." .