THE CHESTNUT TREE.

Sun (Christchurch), Volume III, Issue 866, 18 November 1916, Page 3

THE CHESTNUT TREE.

Double Proof.—A tramp knocked at a farmer's door, and called for something to eat. "Are you a Christian?" asked the good-hearted country man. "Can't you tell?" answered the man. "Look at the holes worn in the !:nees of my pants. What do they prove?" The famer's wife promptly brought out the food, and the tramp turned to go. "Well! well!" asked the farmer, "What made those holes in the back of your pants?" "Backsliding!" replied the tramp as he hurried on. All the youngest subs, at the front adorn their dug-outs with "girlie" pictures by Raphael Kirchner. A lieutenant sends the following one, inspired on seeing Kirchner's flapper smoking her first cigarette of the day, before having her tub: — "The picture the farmhouse wall, The subaltern stopped to see; And a longing look crept into his eyes, And a heart-felt sigh sighed he." "The Senior Major came up to him: 'My boy, this is not for you. You are far too young—what a piquant face! What a shapely ankle, too!' " 'For neither her face nor her ankle sir. Do I long to cross her path. I do not grudge her .that cigarette, But, oh! how I'd love that bath!' "

A certain business man is the father of a youth of a most literal tendency. Lnst spring, when his fattier went abroad, where he was to spend the entire summer, he promised the lad that if he were to attain a certain mark in his studies his reward would be a Continental trip with his father. The prospect of such a trip stimulated the lad to such a degree that he attained a mark even higher than that set hyu bv his parent. He cabled his father the one word, "Yes." It would seem, however, Hint the pater had forgotten his offer, for, after thinking over the message, he cabled back, "Yes, what?" Then, in turn, the son was perplexed. Finally, after due reflection, he cabled to his father, "Yes, sir,"

An Australian soldier on Satishurv Plain went into tin- Y.M.C.A., hut and ordered ten boiled eggs. When the attendant had cooked them she brought live plates each holding two eggs, and set them out on the taide. "Oh," said the Australian, "you needn't have done that, I am no expecting anyone else."

"Do go to sleep, Wil-Le!" urged the exasperated mother. " Remember there's an angel guarding over yon." "Don't, be so conceited!" answered the hopeless child. The latest from my neighbour's night nursery: Harry (concluding his devotions'): And, please, make little Harry a very naughty boy. Nurse: Oh, Harry, you don't r/>ally mean that! Harry: Hush, nurse. Let's wait and see what happens.

The woolly-headed Uncle Rasmus was i accused of disturbing the peace. The ! officer explained it as follows: "lour Honour, this man was running up and down the Mill River Road waving his arms and yelling at the top of his voi<e, and otherwise raising the mis- , chief, at half-past 1 in the morning. The people of the district complained, and they had a perfect right to." The Judge frowned at Rasmus, who didn't seem to be particularly worried. "What do you mean bv such unbecoming conduct?" his Honour demanded. "Religion, Judge." was the response. '' Religion! Are you a Holv Roller or something like that! I have religion Rasmus, but I don't get up at midnight and tell everybody about it." "Dat's lies' de diffunce, Jedge. I ain't ershamed ob mine." The trust magnate carefully looked over the young man, who had applied for a position in the office of the great corporation. "Your appearance seems all right," said the trust magnate, "and your ambitious qualities suit me. Now, a« to your integrity: I suppose you have learned pretty well the old axiom that honesty is the best policy? How do vou stand on that?" "In a general .way," replied the applicant, "I am for it, but, of course, I 'm not a fanatic on the subject." "Young man, you give great promise," said the trust magnate. " When may we look for you?" They were off to Egypt, and one keen young soldier was saying good-bye to his grandmother, who was upset at his leaving her. Endeavouring to cheer the oil lady up, he said, "Never mind, granny, I'll bring you a pyramid back!" Whereupon the old lady haughtily replied, "No., you won't; I'll have none o' your foreign animals here."

A humane society has secured a sho\v window and tilled it with attractive pictures of wild animals in their native haunts. A placard in the middle of the exhibit read:—"We were skinned to provide women with fashionable furs." A man paused before the window, and lna harassed expression for a moment gave place to one of sympathy. '' I know just how you feel, old tops,'' he muttered. "So was I! " A Yorkshire M.P. is a member of a local recruiting tribunal, the chairman of which is a .Instice of the Peace. Recently a young man applied for exemption from military service. "I have," lie said, "a strong conscientious objection to fighting." « "Upon what grounds?" inquired the chairman. "Your Worship really ought tc know," was the answer, "for you are responsible.'' The Magistrate was puzzled, but the applicant resumed: "It's less than five weeks since your Worship bound me over to keep the peace for 12 months." "The teacher says I will soon speak French as well as I speak English," said the enthusiastic girl. "But you mispronounce many words.'' "Oh, that's nothing. I mispronounce a lot of English words, too."