THE CHESTNUT TREE.

Sun (Christchurch), Volume II, Issue 562, 27 November 1915, Page 4

THE CHESTNUT TREE.

A BOARDING-HOUSE SYMPHONY.

He (triumphantly)— I kissed her on the stair In the stillness of the night; I caught her unaware And kissed her on the stair. She grabbed me by the hair, And screamed out in affright, But I kissed her on the stair In the stillness of the night. She (ingeniously)— He caught me unaware, And kissed me in the dark; I really didn't care If lie caught me unaware. But I screamed and pulled his hair— Oh, wasn't it a lark, When he caught me unaware, and kissed me in -the dark? The Other Man (savagely)— She said it wasn't fair For me to hold her hand; So I acted on the square, As she said it wasn't fair. But I heard them on the stair, And he seemed in big demand. Though she said it wasn't fair For me to hold her hand. Another (cynically)— I know she didn't care If he kissed her frequently; She seemed to pull his hair, But I know she didn't care. I was underneath the stair, And, though I couldn't see, I know she didn't care If he kissed her frequently. Chorus of Maidens (spitefully)— Men are crazy we declare, To run after such a goose; For she paints, and has red hair! Men are crazy, we declare. So many maidens fair Are sitting round here loose, That men are crazy, we declare, To run after such a goose. Her Mother (suspectingly)— My daughter must take care Not to mingle with those girls; Lest her morals they impair My daughter must take care. They flirt upon the stair, And paint, and wear false curls! So my daughter must take care Not to mingle with those girls. The Landlady (contentedly)— I'm sure I do not care, Though her conduct's rather queer; If she kisses on the stair I'm sure I do not care. For the men her wiles ensnare— Keep the house full all the while; So I'm sure I do not care, Though her conduct's very queer.

The-' visitor watched the old angler who for some considerable time had been fishing without the slightest success.

"How are the fish in these parts?" at length asked the visitor.

"Well," replied the aged one, grimly, ''l really can't say. I've dropped them a line every day for a week, but I've got no reply yet.''

"What is a man-of-war?" said a teacher to his class. "A cruiser," was the prompt reply. "What makes it go?" "Its screw, sir." . "Who goes with it?" "It's crew, sir."

At a banquet of ministers a clergyman told this story:— * "One of the members of my church has instilled into his family the belief that the collection is a vitally important part of the service; consequently liis little boy Thomas never comes to church without his contribution.

"One Sunday, as the elders began to take up the collection at the morning service, Thomas looked along the pew to see if the various members of the family were provided with a contribution. Noticingvu guest of his sister's empty-handed, he whispered: " 'Where is your money?'

" ' I have none,' was the reply. "Time was short and the necessity great. In a flash the little fellow met the emergency by saying, " 'Here, take mine. That'll pay for you, and I'll get under the seat.' "

"Will you have a cigar?" said the host. "These are some my wife gave me for a birthday present. Help yourself. Let me give you a light." Every man present said he had sworn off smoking. " Why did you tell a lie about those cigars, John?" asked his wife after the gentlemen had gone. "You know I didn't give them to you for a birthday present." "You must keep quiet, Mary. That box of 50 cigars cost me just £3, and I can't afford to give any of them away."

Hostess (after a very meagre dinner): And when are you going to dine with us again? Mr Jolly: At once, if you like.

Dismounted Cavalryman (on way back from the trenches, seeing officer's servant exercising a horse): Well, if anything gives me sore feet it's seein' an 'lghlander ridin' when I've got to pad the 'oof.-

A buyer had'purchased a horse cheaply, and after paying his money asked the seller what really was the matter with the steed.

'' Oh, he 'd be a perfect animal if it wasn't for two faults," was the reply. "One is," he added, "that when he is in a field it's very hard to catch him." "That's nothing," said the happy purchaser. '' I always keep my horses in the stable. And the other?" The seller looked wise. "T'other is," he said, "that when you 'ave caught hiin, he ain't wuth a cuss."

Biggs (to his landlady) : I really can't dry myself properly with a tiny towel like this —will you have it seen to? Landlady: Certainly, I'll tell the maid not to bring you so much water.

Conductor: We're travelling in two sections to-night. Intoxicated Passenger: Thatsh right. Justh wliash I've been trying to tell m' friends. I can see both shections of you, too, co'duetor.

The Sergeant (sternly): Nah then, yer young blighter, you ain't larfiu' at me, are yer? The Young Blighter: Oh, no, Sergeant, no, sir! The Sergeant (more sternly): Then what the 'ell else is there on the parade t,er larf at?

Husband: I don't see why you have accounts in so many different stores. Wife: Because, my dear, it makes the bills so much smaller.

"What are your plans for the summer?" "Further exploration, I suppose," answered Mr Muvings. "I'm going to keep on looking for some place that carries out the impressions I get from the pictures of the summer resort post-cards.''

Hokus: Flubdub is very careful about the training of his family, isn't he? Pokus: Yes; he tries to bring up his children in the way he should have gone.

Enthusiastic Aviator (after long explanation of the principle and workings of his biplane): c Now you understand it, don't you? Young Lady: All but one thing. Aviator: And that is ? Young Lady: What makes it stay up?

Recruiting Sergeant: Well, my man, would you like to serve the King? Milkboy: That I would, sir. 'Ow much d'ye think e'ed want a day? Hi suppose as much as a gallon?

Slog in! Genius is one part inspiration and three parts perspiration. —American Proverb. .

Artist (showing latest pieture): My object was to try to express all thtf horrors of war. Friend: I have never seen anything more horrible. Niece: My husband's so careless; he's always losing his buttons. Aunt: Perhaps they are not sewn on carefully dear. Niece: That's just it; he's awfully slipshod with his sewing.