THE CONTRIBUTOR

Southern Cross, Volume 25, Issue 29, 10 November 1917, Page 5

THE CONTRIBUTOR

Dear Mr Editor, — Our Parliament adjourned lasht "week, an’ some av the mimbers wint away to the Christchurch races, an’ others wint home. X don’t know what kind av a reception they got, hut if ivirywan feels like the Dunedin correspondent av the Wakatipu Mail they’ll be wishin’ they were back in Willington. This is how he writes about the closin’ scene: —“Then the manner of their going! A bonus totalling £400,000 to be shared among civil servants whose screw is not more than £6 a •week; a bonus of £4OOO to be shared among the one thousand a year gentry, and a present of £SOO to someone who has been drawing a salary of £IOOO a ■year, is entitled to superannuation, lias gone back to business, and was presented with “a purse of sovereigns on his retirement.’ But I must stop, otherwise I shall work myself into a temper. So I drop my curtain and retire — without a bonus.” * * * “Well,” ses Katie, “the man that wrote that musht have the same opinion av the Governmint as Willie Brown liad av the rich man. He had been sent on an errand to the home, av the rich Mr Lott. He returned wid the astonishin’ news that Mr Lott was goin’ ■mad.. ‘What makes you thing that?’ his father axed. ‘The way lie talked,’ ses the hoy. ‘When I went into his room where he wanted to see me, he said:: ‘Boy, where is your hat?’ and there it was 'on my head alt the time.’ What a surprise" I got lasht Saturday in Todd’s auction mart, whin I saw me ould frind Mr Kennealiy biddin’ for a calf. He offered 30/- hut losht the calf. Not to he outdone, he bought a goat at 10s. “What in the name av all that’s good an’ holy,” ses I. “are ye goin’ to do wid that goat?” “Howld yer whist, Denis,” ses he, “ye see the butchers have slituck up the price av beef an’ mutton, an’ if I cud git a few goats from Castle Howard I’d have a tine run for a few in the paddock, where we bleach the llax at the mill. Ye know there is nothin’ like Max-gum to fatten the shlock. an’ the tlesh- av the goat is like venison. Wtiin 1 was cook at the mill I bought Charlie Redding’s goat an’ towid the hoys it was deer'from Tapanui, an’ sweeter meat they said they nivir tasted. an’ I think if 1 cud git some, more fattened by Christmas I cud take a trip to Stewart Island. i'fi i'fi * “I’ll git the mayor av South Invercargill to cart it down to my bungalow, an’ till Bumper Morton to tie it inside the fmce, an’ on no account to lit it into Willie Martin’s potato patch, for he libs'spint a lot av lime diggin’ an’ plantin’, an’ I don’t want to pay damages.” •* * * “ ’Tis the enterprisin’ man is that same Mr Kennealiy,” ses Corney, “an’ I only hope he’ll have- betther luck wid the goat than the man wid the dog. Ye musht know that Lancashire paple are fond av-dogs; ill fact, they’re very proud av thim, an’, therefore whin a prominent dog fancier came home wan night an’ found his son had bought a nondescript mongrel, he was rather riled. ‘How much did thee gie for that dog?’ he axed. ‘Five shillings,’ ses the son. ‘Tell thee what A’ll do,’ ses the parent. ‘A’ll go shares wi’ thee. ATI gie thee haXf-a-crown' for ma share.’ The half crown was duly paid; thin the father remarked: ‘ATI take't’ tail end, and A’m goin’ t’ kick ma half outen t’ door.’ An’ he did.” * * * The diphtheria epidemic is eausin a tirrible scare in Invercargill, an’ ivirybody is at their wits’ inds to find out where the microbe is coinin’ from. Dr. Crawford ses it may he -cornin’ from the carters’ shtand. This Jacob Alsweiler emphatically denies, an’ is rather inclined to think the churches an’ Sunday schools are at fault. Thin Dr. Pottinger ses that the shmell from the Puni Creek has nothin’ to do wid it, an’ probably the microbes are cleanlivin’ creatures, an’ cudn’t live a momint in that locality. He’s inclined to think the schools are at fault. Dr. Young ses that, like the poor, we have always had the “dip” amongst us, an’ all that he had learned about the disease appered in the public press. He sid that some paple said it was owin’ to the dryness av the season, an’ he thought there musht be something in

DENIS DISCOURSES.

that. Probobly he meant that we wanted more Irish an’ English to mix wid the “Scotch” element that is dhryin’ ivirything. Dr. Sale thinks that iviry mother’s son wid the disease shud he hospitalled, an’ that ’ud bring the throuble to an ind, for whin the whole town was under the shpell the microbe ’ud have to go hack to Dunedin or die av starvation. Dr. Stewart was death on picture shows, an’ no doubt imagines ,that’s the place where 'the microbe is hatehin’, but l)r. Gore, av the Albion Pictures won’t have it. He ses lie chases all the microbes out twice a day wid o’cedar mops, an’ they haven't got a hope av livin’ annywhere near Hie Albion. Dr. Fleming, Dr. Lennie, Dr. Pryde, Dr. Crosby Smith, an’ Dr. John Stead (the Chief Doctor in Invercargill) all had their say, an’ thin Dr. Brown got the floor an’ said he tuk part av the blame for not urgin’ more accommodation at the shtart; hut he had had hopes that it ’ud die out as quickly as it had come to light. * * * Afther all their talk an’ debate tilings were just “as ye were,” an’ poor ould Andy Sutherland has contracted something like the “dip” since the conference, which is mosht unfortunate, for he was to manage the Pipers an’ Dancers’ concert on Friday night, an’ it’s tin to wan he won’t be there. Howivir, none av the medical min were game to till what was the cause av the dip, an’ it’s lift to Denis O’Shea, M.D., Dublin, to enlighten the public, an’ put thim on their guard. I lay the whole av the blame on Dr. Brown, av the Hospital, for lie’s such a clivir little cliap that he can walk shpots round all the resht put together, an’ has set up an incubator in the laboratory at the Hospital for hatehin’ out the germs, while ivirybody’s thryin’ to kill thim. Dr. Brown is busy hat-chin’ thim out, so how can ye expict the disease to abate? ;S St # Even the doctors thimsilves are takin’ swabs an’ sindin’ thim to him for cultivation, an’ until they can break up the doctor’s incubator there’ll he no peace. Fortunately, it’s only a mild outbreak, an’ they have it .well in band, so that there’s no need for alarm. & “It’s a mosht extraordinary tiling,” ses Katie, “to allow Dr. Brown to go on breedin’ these microbes. Why doesn’t the Governmint shtop him?” “That’s jusht it,” ses I“The Governmint are encouragin’ him. But ye mushtn’t think whin he breeds thim that he turns thim out like ye do wid Jack Stevens’s shtrain av Leghorn chickens. No, Katie, as soon as the doctor gits to know that hey are there, he jumps on thim wid both feet, so ye can guess the time the microbes musht have, an’ I’m thinkin’ the’y wish they’d nivir been born. The doctor’s object is to lind out if the patients are sufferin’ from the dip, an’ thin he knows how to treat thim. * * * “Well,” ses Bedalia, “there’s wan good thing the diphtheria mectin’ did.” “An’ what might that be?” ses I. “Why,” ses she, “ye know that for years an’ years ivirybody in the town has been sayin’ hard things about Puni Creek, an’ now Dr. Pottinger pats it on the back, so to shpeak, an’ tills us it’s like . eau-de-cologne compared wid the shmells he met in Cairo, an’ apparently he met a lot there, like the late Sir Herbert Tree, the actor. Visitin’ Manchester on wan occasion, Sir Herbert was invited to dinner byBishop Welldon, who axed his distinguished visitor how he liked the city. Tree replied that he had just made a motor thrip av the district, an’ that he had expected to encounter in the course av his journey live hundred different shmells. “But,” he added, “I only met four hundred and ninetynine.’ “Indeed,” was the reply. “You probably missed the odour of sanctity.”

> “The only thing that puzzles me about the conference,” ses Corney, “was the difference av opinion about what the dishtrict’s suffering from—l mean the cause av the throuble. The whole thing reminded me av the recruit’s experience. After being in tiie army six months Badby was discharged as unfit. “What’s the matter with you?” axed a chump “Dunno,” was Badby’s reply. “One doctor said my left lung was gone; another said I had no wind; a third said my heart was

affected; a fourth declared I had nervous debility, and a lifth considered I was consumptive.” “You went to your own doctor last night. What did he say?” “Him. Well, I made up my mind not to tell him what the other doctors said, or that I had be eh in the army at all, and, after examining me the old bounder cried, ‘As lit as.a fiddle, Badliv. It’s time you had enlisted.’ ”

* * * It doesn’t do to tipipt- Providence too much. Lasht Saturday the bowlers av Woodlands were to play a match wid the boys in Invercargill, an 1 came to town in full force, but a few showers were sint to remind the Woodlands hoys that they hadn’t done sufficient practice, an’ that it ’ud be wise to put the match afl’, av coorse maltin’ the showers an excuse. But no, the Woodlands hoys knew beslii, an’ play they wud, an’ afther they hail played a few heads all to the advantage av the other fellows. Providence cudn’t stand it any longer, an* lit the honour av Woodlands dhrop in the mire. So it rained an’ rained, an’ I can till the hoys from the counthry city were glad to beat a hasty retreat, an’ I’m thinkin’ they won’t fly in the face av Providence again. # # # But that’s only a eircumshtanee, for Woodlands is always bobbin’ up an’ I’m thinkin’ they’re goin’ to apply to have that progressive township made a city, oo that their minish.ter won’t be called to minister to the flock in other parts av the dishtriet, for they are fearfully vexed whin the Rev. Mr Jupp leaves the pulpit to the tender mercies av other preachers. On a recent Sunday he was away, an’ another clergyman tuk the service, an’ it might have resulted in a tragedy or something aiqually serious. Ye see, the pastor av the church has got to .know the. congregation, an’ also whin to shtir thim up in a way that, a new man does not. On this particular Sunday a visitor tuk the pulpit, an’ he hadn’t got to his “secondly,” to say nothin’ about his “thirdly” an’ his “fourthly,” an’ “finally, brethren,” whin wan av the office-bearers wint to shleep as soundly as a babe in a push cart on a windy day. * Jfc tf? His neighbour, in his wrath, gave him a dig in the ribs—so shtrong that I’m afraid nixt time Dr. Stewart goes out to lecture on the beauties av Scotland he’ll have to lull over the office-bearer’s frame to see that it is

all in order, for it will certainly need oilin’ at anny rate. Jusht as the congregation had settled down to the “seventhly” an’ “eighthly” another av the office-bearers tuk a faintin’ turn, an’-bad to bundle out. He felt himsilf shlippin’, an’ put on the Westin’house brakes an’ a sand-blast, but it was no good. .Goodness knows what ’ud have happened if the preacher hadn’t cut out the “lasht-Iy an’ finally,’ ’an’ “in conclusion,” an’ “brielly,” an’ a “final word.” I’m afraid the church bell ’ud have been inclined to ring./ * * * But for me own part I agree wid long sermons. I think \Yhin ye can git a good congregation it’s well to give him a good solid talkin’ to, for they may be a long time in cornin’ again, an’ above all, the Woodlands paple are no. exeiptions. They can go to a ball an’ dance all night, but whin it comes to something to do thim .good they’d sooner he away trout, ticklin’. I don’t this mintioned, for I might he sint out to preach to the Wood-’ lands paple some day ihesilf, an’ whin 1 git shtarted I might keep thim that long that the cows ’ud he milkin’ thimsilves an’ takin’ the milk, to the factory before they got home, an’ I wudn’t like to give the factory manager a fright. “I don’t think* ye *are cut out for preachin’, Denis,” ses Katie. “I’m afraid the paple ’ud not be able to follow ye—the discourse ye’d give ’ud be like the afficers question, an’ the answer it got. It was the eve av battle, an’ an Irish regimint was to go over the top. an’ was bein’ harangued by wan av its afficers. “Min,” ses the affioer, “ye are on the verge av battle. 1 wifi ask ye one question before ye shtart. Wifi ye bring glory to the ould regimint an’ fight, or will ye bring it to shame, an’ run?” Widout a moment’s hesitation came a deafenin’ chorus —“We will!” “Which will ye do?” cried the alficer. “We will not-,” cried the chorus. “Aha, thank ye min,” ses the afficer, well pleased. “I thought ye wud.” * * * There’s a big war on, but sht-ill local problems have to he wrestled wid. Here’s wan.: “The peripatetic cow in the suburbs, with her nasty habit of depositing on the footpaths what she no longer needs, is a source of worry and annoyance to the p'erson whose business takes him or her out of an evening. Hastening to catch a car at South Invercargill one dark night recently, 1 violently collided with some animate object, and thinking it was a lady waiting- to take her husband home from the concert meeting—(a man’s language would have betrayed him) —I humbly apologised, but judge of my disgust to find that it was only a cow, evidently too old and decrepit- to get out of the way. Can you tell me, Denis, why cows delight to wander along newly-laid asphalt paths? Is the soft asphalt soothing to their corns or do they find , that the fumes from the tar relieves their asthma? * & “One morning my wife was sure that the milk on our porridge smelt and tasted of tar. but the owner of the cows explained in his usual lurid style that the cow is a cud-chewing animal, and the cud, acting as a cork, so to speak,effectually prevents the fumes from tar or other deliterious matter matter from gaining access to the internal organs of the cow. If the worthy councillor anil-owner of the offending cows stands for Mayor of the stand-offish borough he shall have my vote and hearty support. His thorough

knowledge of the anatomy of the cow demands it.—Yours,- etc., SEARCH LIGHT.” . * # * “What do ve think av that for an explanation av the non-presence av tar, Katie?” ses I. ” ’Tis mosht m janious, Denis,” ses she, “an’ the man that made it ought to be in Parliamint —he reminds me av the shopkeeper. **Yes,” ses he, “I want a good, bright boy, to be partly indoors and partly outdoors.” “That’s all right,” ses the applicant, “but what becomes of me when the door is shut?” * * * “Well,” ses 1, "I'm gittin’ tired av problems an’ war news an’ other things —l’d like to be back in the Ould Dart for a little while, jusht to git the taste av disagreeable things out' av me mind.” “I’m glad to hear that,” ses Bedalia, an’ wad that she got down her portfolio av songs an’ threated us to the followin’, that only wanted Mr Thos. Howard’s violin accompanimint to make it perfect— Hurrah for Tipperary! Hurrah! for the Tipparary boys, those boys so brave and true; Hurrah! for the hag they love the best, and the daring deeds they do. Oh, you may travel the world o’er, but " you’ll"find none half as airy As the fearless, warm-hearted boys in Sweet Old Tipperary. Hurrah! for the charming maidens, too, who in that spot dwell; Their virtues many, their faults are few 7 , there is no need to tell. ’Tis they can tease, or, if they please, bewitch you like a fairy— None can compare with the maidens fair in Sw 7 eet Old Tipperary. Hurrah! for the fields, so grand and green, for each belov’d old spot, Hurrah! for each winding old boreen, the mansion and the cot. We love them all, the big and small, and life, indeed, will vary Ere we’ll forget the friends we met in the Sweet Old Tipperary. Hurrah! for that grand old county and its famous hurling men; Sure, honours oft they’ve brought to us and oft will bring again. They know 7 not fear, and though you hear it said that they’re “contrairy,” Believe it not —the bravest hearts you’ll meet in Tipparary.,Then here’s to Tipperary, the cradle of our birth; ’Tis called the Premier County—’tis the sweetest spot on earth. Let others boast, but here’s our toast —a toast we’ll never vary— God bless your sons and daughters fair, God bless you, Sweet Tipperary, * * # “I feel betther now,” s.es I. “Ye may,” ses Katie, “an’ ye can thank yer shtars ye’re in, N.Z., an’ not in Ireland, “for there’s no ind av throuble there, worse luck —lightin’ wid ache other inshtead av the Germans —a fool’s game if ye ax me annything.” “Cheer up, acushla,” ses I, “sure things’ll come all right in the long run. Ye shud cultivate the slipirit av the ould negro woman. She was very ill, an’ whin a visitor axed her how she was, replied—“l’m berry bad —berry bad—one foot’s in de grave, but de other’s shoutin’ ‘Glory, hallelujah !’ ” DENIS. LATER. Dr. Valentine an’ Dr. Gordon have raised another grate scare in Invercargill. They say the Hospital is out -av date, the laundry is bad, an’ the kitchen is worse, while the ould residence is a death-trap. It’s a pity they cudißt lave all the microbes in it, an’ thin fire it. Dr. Gordin belaves the milk as bein’ capable av extensive brcedin’, an’ if a couple av microbes shlip in between the cows legs an’ into the milk pail, they might breed hundreds or thousands av microbes in from 18 to 20 hours. An’ I suppose if they were left alone for a day they’d be lukin’ out av the milk cans an’ yellin’ for food, or paradin’, Dee shtreet to see Drs. Valintine an’ Gordon aff by the express.