THE CONTRIBUTOR

Southern Cross, Volume 24, Issue 15, 5 August 1916, Page 5

THE CONTRIBUTOR

DEAR MR EDITOR,— s The cat-an'-dog sum given lasht week caused a lot av speculation, an' quite a number av replies came in."' They are, v ; id two exciptions, right. Me young frind .Eric Fogo i got \\ right, but he didn't show the wprkin', so he. musht make another thry. Thin me janial ould frind P. Mulcahy works it out right, an' gides nxe a wiggin' for a counthryman av his, breedin' such a, low-priced dog, whin wan was so wid in Sydney lor £IOO. The wan I've picked out is from a.' young lady at the High School, an' ■ as a prize for the throuble she's taken, I'd be lackin' in chivalry if I didn't give her somethin' in return, so I'm writin' to her mother an' axin' her to give shweet, young 15 an extra hilpin' av puddin' whin the war's over. Here are her deductions; an' they are a credit to her : "If a dog and a cat cost £2 10s, and the dog cost £2 more than the cat, how much did the cat cost ? Let X equal cost of dog. Therefore X minus 40s equals cost of cat. X plus (X minus 40s) equals total costv

X plus X minus 40s eq.uals 50s. v Or 2X minus 40s equals 50s. Or 2X equals 50s plus 40s. 2X equals 90s. X equals 455. Therefore cost, of dog, £2 5s ; of cat, ss.

"Well done, "the gyrul," ses Corner. "Yes," ses I, " 'tis a clivir piece av work, a Imps lit; as good as the Irish soldiers. A Yankee entered a big hotel in the Highlands, whin he overheard a 1 party av visitors speakin' about shootin'. ' Gentlemen/ ses he. ' 1 guess I have seen some good shooting in my time. • I have seen a fly . killed on a flagpole at three hundred yards. An Irishman, who was wan av the party, said •;• —' Begorra, it's pretty good, but I believe I've seen betther. Whin I was in the .Dublin Fusiliers, the major used to roll an empt,v beerbarrel down the hill, an' iviry time the bung-hole turned up we put a bullet in it. Anny man who didn't do it was discharged. I was in the company for fifteen years, an' nivir saw a man dismissed."

'•here's great rivalry "*i the ('rescent since they put up the ornamintal fince. All the young min an' maidens are strivin' to outdo wan another. The latest is young -Hawley,' the champion tennis player—in fact, tjhere's not a man or woman in X.Z. can beat him. Well, to outshtep all the resht, he has invinted a blackin" for his boots that has beea the envy av the Crescent. All the typewriter gyruls have put away their lukin'glasses, an' whin they want to see if their hair's straight they just luk into young Hawley's boots. The shine on thim is even more brilliant than the settin' sun or the av the moon on a wet night. In fact, the shine on thim at the prisint time is'the "IT" ay/Inverca.rgill, an' whin he puts the Patent on the market there shud be a fortune in "it" for the lucky invinto'r. *

"He's got his wits about him, has young Haw.ley," ses Bedalia. "Ye're right," ; ses Katie, "sure he's as shmart as the commercial thraveller was wid the grocer. A pp.pr ould woman seekin' atms came in while the grocer an' the thraveller were in conversation. The grocer, wishin' to play a joke on the salesman, towld the wcfrnan to •' ask the boss,' at the same time pointin' to the commercial thraveller. The latter was thundershtruck for the moment, but regainin' his silf-possession, at wance said, turnin' to the'grocer, who was a very shmall man : ' Boy give this i poor woman five ishillings out of the ] till.' " ■

Talkin' av patents, my young frind .Bob Fraser is the boy. He's got a patent mouse-tbrap on the market called the "Gravity," «an' if ye. want to see it, jusht luk in Jno. Edinond's w,indow. He's got it dis-

DENIS DISCOURSES.

played there, an' also a cat in the bag, which whin interpreted means that from the . sth" August, 1916, there'U be no more need for cats in Southland, an' I expect the Mayor av Invercargill will insert a notice in the papers warnin' all owners av cats to have thim on the jetty on Sunday mornin' whin a special will be arranged to carry thim out to sea. Wid all the cats gone, Bob's patent'l'l git the chance av a lifetime. Ye'll understand, perhaps % if I explain the' workin' av the ingenious contrivance.

It's for all the world like an account holder. Ye give it a shake an' that sets it, an' it's ready for work. The mouse comes along, an' its mates crowdin' behind push No. wan into the thrap, which howlds it firmly for a minute, an'ithin throws it out an' is ready for the nixt. Thin the other mice, who had taken fright at the click av the tjhrap, conie forward, an' in the rush to see Bob's idea workin' push the nixt wan into the thrap, an' so on. In the mornin' ye musht take a bucket an' . a shovel, wid a broom t<o shweep up the dead mice, which, if all goes well, shud in eight hours rezult in 179 7 full-grown mice reachin' the haven av rest where they don't have to hunt for a bit, av cheese afther the lights are out, or run across the bed in the boardin' house, an' risk the chance av dhroppin' into wan av those awful ny-catchers displayed by some shleepers. If business gits shlack, the thrap won't be idle, for it'll hunt from place to place in search av mice. I'm thinkin' if Bob's patent cud be enlarged it 'ud be worth a lot av money on t,he French or Russian fronts, but as shpace is limited I cannot enlarge on Bob's Mouse Thrap this week, but no doubt he'll, have a few in his pockets, an' if ye speak civil to him he will give ye an actual demonstration on your finger. No doubt he'd like to thry it on me ear whin he reads, this, but he always was a modest chap, an' I believe in givin credit where it's due.

" 'Tis a wonderful invintion," ses Bedalia —"it's far ahead av the big watch-dog that a. family bought from a dealer. , A few days later the house was entered by burglars who made a good haul while the dog was a.shleep. The father hasti'y went to the dog-l'ancier, an' towld him the shtory. "Veil," said the dog fancier, " all dat you need now vas a leedle dog to vave up der big dog."

So .Jack Topi has been set back I on account av a sore ankle. I'msur- ' prised at Dr. Sale for puttin' him a(Y for such af thrille. He cudh't ; have known that Jack has been all j over the world on t,hat same ankle. | Wid it he shtud on the top royal yard an' furled the top-gallant while ! the ship wint before a twenty-knot j wind. He thinks that if Dr. Sale doesn't give him a clear run he'll till him it's acrobats they want in the army inshtead av soldiers. P. , Mjulca.hy sinds the followin' puzzle in reference to .lack, which runs like : —"He and another agreed to take an eight-gallon keg of beer across to the island. On the way across the other fellow wanted some drink, but King John objected, stating that he want,ed his share for the fellows who were stealing his sheep. So they agreed to take each his share. A great difficulty cropped up, as the only measures on board were an em<pty 3-g-allon keg and one of five gallons. Now he wants you or any of your readers to state in next issue of ..the ' Cross ' how to divide evenly .with the measures on board. -Reward : Anyone solving the above will be presented with a gem from the Kaiser's crown as soon as King John returns from Berlin. He is not sure at the. present whether he is going with the infantry or 'in an airship. He means to go straight; to Berlin, capture' the Kaiser, give him a knock on the. head, seize the crown, and return to Iluapuke about shearing-tjime."

» » If none av me readers can solve

this aisy problem, P. Mulcahy has promised to do it for me. It doesn't

cosht . anny thing to, thry, an' ye don't need sind yer name as a token av faith, for I know aU the rea,ders av this page are the right sort av min an' womin.

" 'Tis the great faith ye have in yer readers, Denis," ses Katie, "an' I don't think ye'll be taken in." "No," ses I, "they're not as .sly as the ould shoemaker. 'A somewhat amusin' incident; is towld av a woman whose husband, a wealthy man, died suddenly, widout leavin' anny will. The widow, desirous av securin' the whole "av the property, concealed her husband's death, an' persuaded a poor shoemaker tp take his place while a will cud be made. iYccosdingly he was .closely muffled in bed as if very sick, an' the lawyer was called in to write the will. The shoemaker, in a feeble voice bequeathed half av all the property to the widow. 'What shall be done with the remainder ?' axed the lawyer. ' The remainder,' ses he, ' I give an' bequeath to the poor little shoemaker across the street, who has always been a good neighbour and a deserving man,' thus securin' a rich bequest for himsilf. The widow was thundershtruck wid the man's audacious cunnin', but did not dare to expose the fraud, an' so the two rogues shared the estate."

" 'Tis wonderful how the bids come whin people are excited," ses Katie, whin towld that a flag had brought] £162 10s on Widnesday night. "It is," ses I. "Sure, I was at a sale in tc*wn the other day, an' a piano-shtool that was bought for 18s twilve years ago actually fetched 215." "Well," ses Corney, " the woman that threw away the money in that fashlon'll soon be like the paple in Germany. A regimint av Landsturm min were settin' out for the front from Berlin. The usual crowd were seein' the ould bhoys afP—an anxious, silent crowd. But finally there was ' wan/ chap who screwed up spirit enough to shout—'Long live Germany !' At this a grey-whiskered Landsturm man turned round a n' yelled reproachfully at the shouter—' What on ?' "

Katie wint to the Irish conversazione at Northend lasht week, an'

ses that she felt afther gettin' inside as if she was back in ould Ireland. All. the characters were got up in line shtyle, an' their names reminded her av the wans in the ould song, which wint like this :■ — Names wid a musical lilt of a troll to 'em.

Xames wid a rollicking swing an' a

I roll to 'em. Names wid a body and bones of a soul to 'em. Sure, an' they're poetry, darlint asthore. Names wid the smell of the praties and wheat to 'era, Names wid the odour o' sillick and peat to "em, Names wid a lump o' the turf hanging sweet to 'em, Where can yez bate them, the whole word o'er ? Branigan, Flanigan, Milligan I Galligan, Duffy, McGuff, Mallarky, Mahone, Rafi'erty, Lafi'erty, Connelly, Donnelly, Dooley, O'Hooley, Muldoway, Malone, Middigan, Cadigan, Callahan, Mallahan, Fagan, O'Hagan, O'Houligan, Flynn, ■ Shanihan, Lanihan, Fogarty, Hogarty, Kelly, O'Shelly, . Mc'Guines's, McGinn. Names wid a fine Hibernian sheen fy>' 'em, Names wiß a dewy shamrock clinging gween to 'em, Names wid a whiff o' the honest potheen to 'em, Sure, an' they're beautiful, darlint asthore ! Names wid a taste o' the salt o' the earth to" em, Names wid the blood o' the land o' their birth" to 'em, Where'can yez bate thim, the. whole world o'er ?

•"What an injanious lot av verses, Denis," ses Katie. "They are,"- ses I, "they're nearly as clivir as the Belgian cripple, who stumped about Brussels declarin'—''We gave those Germans a rare hiding before they got to Brussels." He was hauled up before a shtony-faced circle av German ameers, who decreed, "You will be shot—unless you become a German." The cripple thought it over, an' was shworn in as a German there an' thin. The chief German afr ficer tjuk him by the hand, sayin'— "You are a German now." As he left, the cripple muttered, " Those Belgians gave us -a. rare hiding before we got to Brussels." __ DENIS.