The Contributor.

Southern Cross, Volume 13, Issue 16, 15 July 1905, Page 5

The Contributor.

DENIS DISCOURSES. Daar Mr Editor,— ’Tis the thankful pa pie we ought to be, an’ no mistake The way the Governmint Inks afhter us ’od break a heart av shtone, so it wad. The other wake Katie towld me that a civil young colleen called to see if our names were on the roll, an’ we thought we d heard the lasht of that matter, whin a knock came to the door the other night. ‘ Run, Corney, run,’ ses I, thinkin’ it was Undrili’s boy come to take back wan av the saddle tweed trousers that I wasn’t keepm , but ■whin the lad opened the door, who shud be there but wan av the chaps that the Govermnint’s eindin round to see that iviryone is down on the roll. ‘ Bad cess to thim,’ ses I, sure can’t they lave paple in pace. Till him, Corney,’ ses I, ‘ that we’re all on the roll, that we’ve had no births, deaths, or marriages since the last eliction, an’ that if we ie bothered anny more we’ll get into a state av nervous prostration, an’ not be fit to vote or do annything else. *** ‘ Ye?,’ ses Corney, 4 the Governmint seems to be takin’ things very seriously.’ ‘ Thrne for ye, me bhoy,’ ses I, *. they’re like the President of the Pickpockets’ Club.’ ‘ The great trouble with us,’ ses be, ‘ is that we are inclined to take things too seriously.’ ‘ Is that eo,’ ses a policeman that had 'gotjin unbeknown to the crowd, 4 1 thought the main throuble wid ye was that yees tuk. thim too aisily. Come on, now, or I’ll smash in your tinpannum.’ *** ‘ Well, ses Katie, 4 I’m thinking the policemen in New Zealand ’ud like to take a few av the min that are driving about in buggies an’ bio win’ up an robbing the safes in railway stations. As far as its gone ’tis the safest occupation a man cud engage in, for hardly a wan aV'thim has been caught yit, excipt two, an’ wan is appealing on the ground that bis sintince is against the weight av evidence.’ *** 1 But we’ll soon alter all that, mother,’ ses Bedalia, 4 for 1 sea there’s a great Commission sitting on the police in Dunedin.’ 4 An’ what do the witnesses suggest, Bedalia,’ ses I. 4 Well,’ ses she, 4 wan man thinks that if the bates were shorter an’ there was more sergeants to watch the min that we cud do what ye say ye used to do in the good ould days in Invercargill—leave your door unlocked all night, an’ find yereilf safe an’ sound in the mornin’.’ 4 They’re grate on bates,’ ses I, 4 but I don t think they want anny more av the variety known as dead-bates.’ 4 Sure,’ ses Bedalia, tossin’ her head, 4 ye naden’t be eo hard on the peelers, for there’s manny a true heart under a blue tunic.’ 4 Oh, ho !’ ses Corney, 4 anny wan ’ud think, Bedalia, (hat ye had a soft side for (he force.’ ‘Not at all,’ ses Bedalia, 4 I’hx not even so much interested in thim as the gyurl was in the clargy. She wict into a stationer’s shop an’ axed (o see some thin stationery, and after selecting what she desired she hesitated a moment. 4 Do you make any reduction to clergymen ?* she axed softly. 4 Certainly, madam,’ ses the stationer, with great promptness. 4 Are you a clergyman’s wife ?’ 4 N-no,’ ses the young woman. 4 Ah, a clergyman’s daughter, then,’ ses the stationer, as he began to tie up the paper in a neat package., 4 N-no,’ ses the young woman. Then she leaned across the counter, and spoke in a confidential and thrilling whisper ; ‘But if nothing happens I shall be engaged to a theological student as soon as he comes home this antumn.’ *** ‘ Well,’ ses Corney, ‘ there’s always two sides to a shtory, an’ I see somewan is writing to a Dunedin paper that we can’t expect morality from conshtablea when they only get day. He ses they can’t marry on 7s

a day. Thin he ses there’s a lot av discontent in the force because some min are shoved into comfortable 1 counthry stations an’ kept there for years, an’ getting all manner av nice little pickings in the way av special fees, an’ buying farms an’ sneh-like, while all the time a lot av poor chaps in the city are grafting like niggers for sivin bob a day, wid the chance av hard labour if they happen to hilp thimsilves to a few things out av a shop wance in a while. * * * 4 Sure,’ ses Katie, 4 soma paple will be thinkin’ that we have made a bad choice in picking some av our bobbies afhter what Moses ses—-that there was a score or so mixed up wid thieving as well as himsilf. If things go on as they’re doing the public will be talking like the churchwarden that axed his bishop to take the place av a sick parson. 4 1 hope, sir,’ ses he, 4 that you don’t think it presumption, sir; a worse preacher would have done for us very well, if I had only known where to find him.’ * * * ‘Well,’ ses Badalva, 4 I see tnat even the school children are training for policemen, for some av thim found a lot av the pipes an* tobacco that was shtolen from Mr Grant’s shop.’ 4 They mnsht have bin’ lukin’ for hidden treasure,’ ses Ka f ie, 4 but the thafe mushtn’t have set much ahtore by the shtuff or he wndn’t have put it in the grass in the Kelvin Road 4.venue. Anny way, ’tis a fine clue for the police.’ 4 That may be,’ ses I, 4 but they’ve got a sbtill betther, for wan av the shtoien cheques was cashed in town soon a f ter the robbery.’ 4 1 don’t think that clue will hilp the police much—’twill be like Pat’s pig— 4 sure,’ ses he, 4 it doesn’t weigh as much as I expected, an’ I nlvir thought it would.’ * * * 4 Well,’ ses I, 4 I don’t seem able to get away from the police at all at all, an’ by the same token ivirybody is wonderin’ how Moses got into the force afhter doin’ a term in gaol.’ 4 That’s not surprising, Denis,’ ses Katie, 4 for ye nivir know what kind av paple ye are dalin’ wid nowadays. We’re apt to be taken in like the minister. One day a hard-featured man, dressed in a new suit of very cheap black, called at the house, and, upon giving his name, was invited to take a seat in the gentleman’s study. 4 I have a few days to spend in the town,’ ses the visitor, 4 and I did not want to leave without calling and paying my respects to you. I have heard you preach many a time.’ 4 Tea ?’ sea the parson, beginning to take an interest in the visitor. 1 1 like your preaching, and, though I do not belong to your church, yet I must say that you preach the best sermons I ever heard, 4 Yes ?’ ses the parson. 4 Thera are so very few good preachers now, so very few in whose uprightness we can place trust, that, when we meet one of the right kind, we like to express our appreciation.’ 4 Yea,’ the good man repeated ; and, as a bell tinkled, be arose and said : 4 Come, my friend, and take some lunch with me.’ * * * The visitor was only too happy, and, seated at table, began to eat with an avidity that attracted his host’s attention. 4 You say that you have heard me preach many a time ?’ remarked the minister. 4 Oh, yes !’ the man replied, conveying an ample allowance of mashed potatoes into his mouth. 4 1 don’t remember ever having seen you at my church. I suppose you heard me in the country ?’ 4 No, said the visitor, helping himself to beans, 4 not in the country.’ 4 Certainly not in town ?’ 4 Well, sorter yes, and sorter not. You know you preached at the penitentiary for some time. I was in there for stealing a horse and cart, and finished my time to-day. Thank you for the bread.’ DENIS.