The Contributor.

Southern Cross, Volume 12, Issue 43, 21 January 1905, Page 5

The Contributor.

DENIS DISCOURSES. Dear Mr Editor, —Angus McGregor came down to our place tbe other night out av breath, an' excited, an’ * Man, Denis,’ sea he, ‘ I’ve just been roon tae Bsk street tae the police camp expecliu’ to see a reward stuck out at the door headed ‘ Mystery and crime.’ ‘ Explain yoursilf, Angus,’ ses I. ‘ Well, Denis,’ ees he, ‘it was this way : —X called at a well-known hotel the other mornia’ for a dram, an’ as ye ken there’s a pro. oot against me 1 had to be careful tae see that I didna meet ony yin that kent me, so I slippit into the kitchen. I just mention this, not because it affords ony clue tae the mystery ’ *** < 4 What mystery, Angus,’ ses Katie, puttin’ down the hat that she’s trimmin’ for Bedalia to meet Lord Plnnket in, 4 what mystery, Angus P’ * I’m cornin’ tae it, Mrs O’Shea. When I got into the kitchen I fairly forgot all cboot ma thirst, for there was the cook callin’ the boots all the angels that ever had wings.’ ‘ Yes, Angus,’ ses Katie, ‘ but the mystery.’ 4 Losh, woman, ‘ gae a man time. At first it was thought that it was a human skeleton that had been discovered in the oven.’ • Shtop meanderin’, Angus,’ ses Katie, ‘ sure what oven are ye talkin’ about at all, at all ?’ * Why, the oven in the hotel kitchen. To whom the skeleton belonged will probably never be known. (‘The poor orphan,’ ses Katie). This much, however, has been ascertained and sworn to by the eminent doctor who was entrusted with the post mortem examination—that to whom the skeleton belonged was murdered in a brutal manner. The surgical testimony as to the way the bones were broken and fractured demonstrated to the jury assassination under the mostappallingcircumstances.- This is another dark page added to the horrifying annals of this wicked world, and the jury, without hesitation, found a verdict of wilful murder against some person or persons unknown. The wretch, whoever he or she may be, who pulled the hide and tail oil: the cat when palling it oat of the oven, richly deserves the gallows, and I trust the truth of the old proverb, ‘ Murder will out,’ may be verified, and the wretch, if still alive, receive his just deserts.’ * * ‘ Well, Angus,’ ses Katie, ‘ I’m thinkin’ ye didn’t forget to quench your thirst afhter all, for it’s the quare way ye have av talkin’, but do ye mane to tell me that a cat got roasted to death in an oven ?’ 4 It’s a solemn fact, Mrs O’Shea, an’ if ye want to be scalded just pub your held in at the kitchen door an’ say ‘ cat.’ 4 Well,’ ses I, 4 1 hope the boots, poor chap, was able to prove an alibi.’ 4 That’s a quare word annyway, father,’ ses Bedalia, 4 an’ ye might be afhter explainin’ it.’ ‘ Well,’ ses I, ‘the besht definition I ivir saw was the wan given by Pat whin he was axed the same question. 4 Sure,’ ses he, 4 it’s just like this—it’s to be afhter provin’ that ye wasn’t where ye was whin ye committed a crime 1 that, sure, ye nivir committed afhter all.’ * * # 4 ’Tia a shtrange shtory ye’ve towld, Mr Macgregor,’ ses Oorney, 4 bub ye nivir know what’s happenin’ in the place. Ye wudn’t think it possible for a shtand-up fight to take place in broad daylight in Invercargill widout let or hindrance, but it did all tbe same no later than a few days ago.’ 4 It musht have bin a hole an’ corner affair,’ ses I. 4 Not a bit av it, dad,’ ees Oorney. 4 H tnk place in the Quane’s Park, if you plase, an’ barrin’ that the town council wasn’t axed to allow a charge to be made for admission, the thing <sud hardly have bin more public unless it had bin advertised in the Southern Cross. Ye see it was this way: Two av our great eawin’ an’ choppin’ min had a barney in a public-house, an’ from

words they got to blows; an’ thin they called a cab, an’ wint aff to the Park wid bottle-holders an sponges an’ all the reshb av it, an’ fought sixteen rounds, an’ thin it was declared a draw. Both min were severely punished about the face an’ doohtors had to be called in afhter the fight, an’ whin they got out again their dearest friends hardly knew thim.’ 4 They’ll be goodfrinda afhter that,’ ses I, 4 an’ anxious to oblige wan another.’ 4 No doubt,’ ses Oorney, 4 they’ll think av ache other as the landlord put it whin lavin’ Ireland to go to London in command av an Irish regimint. 4 For hiven’s sake, sir,’ ses wan av his tenants, 4 don’t go to South Africa an’ be massacred by thim Boers.* 4 Don’t worry, Pat,’ ses he, 4 I’m only going to London. Besides, if I were going to be shot, I’d give preference to my own tenants.’ 4 Sure, an’ that shows a rale frindly falin’ betwane us, ses Pat, grippin’ him by the baud. * * * Och, Mr Editor, but ’twas tbe grate experience I’ve had wid me ould frind Mr Tim Howard, or properly ahpakin* Thomas Howard. Ye see a lot av us wiut up to Orepuki on Masonic business, an’ nixt day we hired a drag, an* wint aff to the Waiau. On the way we saw a man an’ a milk cart, an’ me heart jumped wid delight whin 1 saw the man was Tim. Och, but ’twas the powerful shake av the hand he give me, so he did. 4 You’re lukin’ well,’ ses I, 4 after your adventures in search av empty opium tins, ses I. 4 There’s nothing like hard work an’ a good conscience,’ ses he, 4 an’ I know both,’ ses he. 4 Ye need a good conscience in the milk trade,’ ses I. 4 Av coorse ye do,’ ses he, 4 but there’s no need for wan in a manner av shpakin’ whin ye have good cows, as I have. 4 How many have you,’ ses wan av the party, a man from Wyndham. 4 Thirteen,’ ses Mr Howard. 4 Au’ what’s your percentage,’ ses the shtranger. 4 Three point eight,' ses Mr Howard, an’ if that doesn’t show the cows are good, thin I’m no judge. 4 Oh,’ ses the other, wid a laff, 4 3 8 is quite common in my district; we have four per cent, and sometimes more.’ * * * Thin the light av battle came into Mr Howard’s eyes, an’ he declared he wudn’t have his poor bashtes insulted, an he offered to bet £5 that the other man cudn’t show betther results than three point eight. The other chap was willin’, but Tim retain) herad in time that he'd lift his money in the pocket av another coat. 4 But sure,’ ses he, 4 who are you annyway that’s so well up in butter fat.’ 4 My name’s McLauchlan,’ ses the other. ‘Not McLauchlan av Wyndham,’ ses Howard. b Yes,’ ses the other. 4 The dairy factory man ?’ 4 The same,’ ses the other,’ an’ at that Tim collapsed. But not for long, for nothin’ ’ud do him but we’d call at Castle Howard, the shmoke av whose hospitable chimneys we cud see above the threes. But time wudn’t allow us to go, even although M* 1 Howard offered us the besht goat in his herd, provided we cud catch it. 4 Ye must have a lot av goats now,’ ses I. 4 I have,’ ses he, an’ before he drove aff he towld a shtory that set us all laffin’. 4 My goats,’ ses he, are like the fleas in the lodginghouse. Ye see, an Irish navvy wance changed bis lodgins’. The followin’ mornia’ whin he got up his new landlady axed him how he had slept. 4 Not a wink,’ ses he, and began scratchin’ himself. 4 Why, what’s the matter ?’ ses she. 4 There’s not a single flea in the bouse.’ ‘No, be jabbers,’ ees he; ‘ theyre all married, an’ got childer.’ * * * Sure ivirybody’s gettin’ ready to wilcome Lord Blanket, an’ whin he goes to the Bltff ’tis the grate reciption they’ll be afhter thratin’ him to at their new railway station that Sir J. G. Ward opened tbe other day. ‘’Twas the illigant apache he made, too,’ ses Katie, ‘ an’ what I liked about it was the way he brought in all-the improve mints at the Blu ff, not forgettin’ Mr Vickery’s fleet av con-

..yeyances for takin’ paple round to the marine parade.’ ‘ Yea,’ ses I, ‘ whativir else the G-overnor fails to db he musht have a dbrive round to the Point in Mr Vickery’s drag or he’ll miss wan av the finest bits av sea an’ landscape in the Southern or any other Hemisphere/ * * * ‘ I hope Mr Vickery is a good driver,’ ses Katie. ‘ None betther,’ sea I, ‘ he’s had more experience than the servant gyrul that applied for a situation. ‘ Have }’on had experience with children,’ ses the lady av the house. ‘ Oh, yes, mum,’ ses the gyrul, ‘ I used to be a child mesiif wanst.’ DENIS.