The Contributor.

Southern Cross, Volume 12, Issue 15, 9 July 1904, Page 5

The Contributor.

DENIS DISCOURSES. Dear Mr Editor, —’Twas the grate laff we had on Thursday night whin we saw a letther in the evenin’ paper that there was a dead cat lyin’ on the Nith shtreet futpath, an’ axin’ the authorities (o remove it. ‘ Times have altered,’ ses I, ‘ since the good ould days whin there was nothin’ but xoud in the shtreets, an’* whin me ould frind Tom Middleton, cornin’ along Tay shtreet wid his team av bullocks, saw a woman wearin’ Wellington boots shtuck fasht in the middle av the thoroughfare. He wint to her assistance, an’ carried her to a dry place, but she had to leave the boots behind her. Begorra, if the same thing happened now, a man ’ud write to the papers inshtead av goin’ to the rescue. Bad cess to the man—why didn’t he kick the cat aff the futpath, an’ say no more about it ?’ * * * ‘ Well,’ ses Corney, ‘ ’twas a darin’ thing for Mr Middleton to do, for its not always safe to offer to hi Ip a lady, as a confirmed old bachelor found the other day. On his way to the railway station he overtuk a mother carryin’ a child wid another bangin’ on to her skirts an’ cryin’ like annything. ‘ Let me assist you, madam,’ ses he, makin’ to pick up the youngster. ‘ Lave her alone, an’ get wan av yer own,’ ses the woman, an’ ye cud have knocked the bachelor down wid a feather, he was that taken aback.’ * * * I’m towld there was grate goins’ on at the adjourned matin’ av Mr Christie’s creditors before the deputyasignee the other day. They do be sayin’ that Willie Martin was makin’ things as lively as he cud, an’ that he wanted the assignee to ax the Crown Prosecutor to advise as to havin’ the debtor examined before the judge, an’ tbin Mr Richard Hall, who represinted fifteen creditors, wid debts over £9OO against Willie’s £6 14s, moved that the debtor be recomminded for immediate discharge. He waited a minute, an’ thin seconded the same motion in the name av the Hondai Lanka Tea Company. However, the motion was hild over, an’ the matin’ further adjourned on condition that the debtor wasn’t axed to come back again. ***

Whin I saw Mr Martin in the shtreet I axed him why he’d got into such a state. ‘ Well, Denis,’ sea he, ‘its enough to make anybody angry. You see, the debtbr had the Princess Hotel, and had taken over £7OOO in 20 months, and was to all appearance a good mark, and yet a few days after getting my coal and lignite he files. That was bad enough, Denis, but then in steps one of the secured creditors and collars everything, including my coal and lignite. But never mind, Denis, we’ll do our best to protect tbe tra-despeople of Invercargill after this, and - one way of doing that will be to get all hotel licenses made part of the assets in case of a failure. This is the third time we’ve been let in, and its time we had an alteration.’ 4 Why, William,’ ses I, 4 ’tis the greaf reformer ye are for bein’. Ye’re as keen on that point as Rab Ha’ in the west av Scotland was on atin’. ‘ What about

him, Denis,’ ses Mr Martin wid the ghost av his ould shnaile. ‘ Tell me about him, and maybe it’ll help me to forget about the coal and the lignite.’ * * * £ Well,’ ses I, ‘ the shtpry goes that Rab was a mosht extraordinary glutton, an’ by way av testin’ him somewan wagered that ,he cudn’t eat a calf, done op in 24 veal pies, at wan sittin’. Rab joyfully agreed to undertake the task of eatin’ a calf, but wasn’t towld that it ’nd come before him in the shape av pies. His eyes sparkled with a hungry delight when be was led into an apartment and sat before the twenty-four pies. Rab at once doffed bis coat for business, and to the astonishment of all made pie after pie disappear with extraordinary rapidity. When eighteen av thim bad been devoured it was thought Rab was showing some symptoms av distress, an’ as he sat pickin’ his teeth an’ sighin’, one of those present anxiously enquired if he was defeated. ‘ Na, na,’ quoth Rab, ‘ deil a fear o’ ma bein’ licked, but I’m no heedin’ aboot takin’ ony mair o’ thae pies, though they’re tasty an’ nice enough, as I want, ye see, to keep masel’ up for the calf,’ * # * Katie ses ’tis the grand country New Zealand is, an’ that by the timethe Mid wives’ Bill an’ wan or two other measures is passed, there’ll be nothin’ left for the paple to do at all at all. ’Tisn’t that way in the backblocks, Denis,’ses she. ‘ Mrs O’Brien’s niece was here this afternoon, on her way to the dentist’s, an’ she was tellin’ me that she was at a social in the backblocksi an’ ses she— ‘ Mrs O’Shea, I was astonished at the ingenuity av the eraythurs. ’Tis the muddiest place I was ivir in-—I do be thin kin’ it rains mud up there, an’ they’d give annything for the Corporation mud-sera per that was out for an airin’ this wake, an’ the paple all turned up at half-past six to be ready for the gatherin’ at 8, all but wan boy that shtopped at home on Thursday to shine his boots, an’ didn’t come out on Friday so as not to dirty thim. There was a grate ado about gettm’ the tay into the copper, but some wan got a clane handkerchief, an’ the thing was done. There was no dressin’-room on the stage, but some av the performers bronght their own blankets as well as their music, an’ soon rigged up an illigant chamber, an’ at long an’ last we had the concert, an’ rale good it was too.’ * * * ‘ Thim’s the kind av paple that ought to be encouraged ,’ ses I. ‘ They are that, Denis,’ ses Katie, ‘ An’ they’re not the laste bit upset if a baby or two joins in the accompaniments —in fact, they rather like it..’ ‘ Perhaps,’ ses I, ‘ they’re like the miners at a concert in the backwoods av America wance, whin a baby began to cry. The orchestra struck up its music to drown that of the little offender, whin somewao shouted from the back of the audience, t Stop those darned fiddles, and let the baby cry. I haven’t heard that sound these ten yearT ***

An’ talkin’ av babies, Mrs Macgregor was tellin’ ns the grate sell she got the other day whin she was talking to wan av the school tacbers down here for the conference. She

hadn’t seen him for a long time, and afhter a while ses she—‘And boo many weans hae ye noo,’ ses she. ' Thirty-two,* ses the tacher, manin’ av coorse his school children. *** ‘That’s a good wan,’ ses Corney, ‘ bat if its for tollin’ ehtories ye are, 1 can bate that wan.’ V A man was makin’ his firsht trip on the Mississippi, an’ got lave to climb np beside the pilot. ‘ Many alligators in this river ?’ ses he, after havin’ a lak roand. ‘ Not so- many since they got to shootin’ them for their hides and taller,’ ses the pilot. ‘ Used to be lots, eh P’ questioned the passenger. ‘ I don’t want to tell you about them, stranger,’ ses the pilot, ‘ because you’d think I was lyin’, an’ that’s a thing I never do.’ ‘ Then there used to be lots of them ?’ pursued the other. ‘ Well, yes, I’ve counted eleven hundred alligators to the mile.’ ‘ I don’t donbt it,’ ses the stranger. # * # * And I’ve counted 3,495 of them on one sand-bar,’ continued the pilot. ‘lt sounds a big lot, but there was a Government surveyor aboard, and he checked them ofE as I called out.’ * I have not the least doubt of it,’ ses the passenger. ‘ I’m glad o’ that,’ ses the old fellow, ‘ for some fellers ’ud think I.was a liar, when I’m only tollin’ the solemn truth. This used to be a regular paradise for alligators —they were so thick that the paddlewheels of the boat killed an average of 49 to the mile.’ ‘ls that so ?’ ses the listener. ‘ True as gospel, mister. I used a’most to feel sorry for the brutes ’cause they’d cry out a’most like human beings. We killed a lot, as I’ve said, but we hurt a great many more, and one captain I was Mith carried a thousand bottles of liniment to throw over to the wounded ones.’ * * * I He did ?’ queried the passenger. ‘ True as you like, he did, but I don’t expect I’ll see such another kind, Christian man. The alligators got to know Captain Tom and his vessel, the Nancy Jane, and they’d swim out and rub their tails on the boat and purr and try to smile. # # * ‘ They would,’ ejaculated the passenger. ‘ Solemn truth, stranger, an* once when we ground on a bar, they got under the stem of the boat and pushed her clean over it. And that wasn’t all, stranger, for once when our engines broke down a crowd of alligators took a tow-line and hauled us 45 miles up stream to Vicksburg.’ ‘ You don’t say so ?’ said the passenger. ‘ The cold truth, stranger; and when the news came that Captain Tom was dead every alligator in the river daubed his left ear with mud as a badge of mourning.’ * * * ‘ Very good, Corney,’ ses I, ‘ but you don’t expect me to swallow all that P’ ‘ Well, no, father,’ ses Corney, ‘but I’ve seen you swallow a good dale for all that.’ ‘ Corney,’ ses I, solemnly, ‘ did ye ivir see me wid more than I cud carry ?’ ‘ No, father,’ses Corney, makin’for the door, ‘ but I’ve seen you when I thought you had better have gone twice for it,’ ‘ Nivir mind him, father,’ ses Bedalia—’tis a borrowed joke.’ Denis.