The Contributor.

Southern Cross, Volume 10, Issue 31, 8 November 1902, Page 5

The Contributor.

DENIS DISCOURSES. Dear Mr Editor, — ’Twas mesilf had intended to lave the drink alone this wake, but it can’t be done. Ivir since Mr Deegan’s visit, the talk in our house has resimbled a book that 1 wance rade by the name av “ Tl> Nights in a Bar-room.” beard that much about Clutha that she’s beginnin’ to think there’s no such place. ‘ Wan day,” ses she, “ ye read that the place is goin’ to rack an’ ruin, and Mr Deegan tells us it’s gettin’ quite dingy, an’ that boys an gyruls get bastely drunk ; an’ thin so me wan else comes along an’ ses that the place was nivir so nrosperous, that thousands av pounds are bein’ spent in new buildins’, an’ that bad debts are nearly as scarce as drunks —an’ which are ye to belave,” ses she. * I cudn’t tell her, Mr Editor ; all I cud say was that it seemed to be as hard to get at the'truth about Clutha as it was to find out what ailed Pat’s dog—ye’ll remimber the shtory, but ’twill sarve me turn as well as anny, for as somewan ses an Irish yarn is always pat. ‘ Hulloa Pat, I hear your dog is dead.’ ‘ It is.’ £ Was it a lap dog P’ ‘Yes, it would lap annything.’ £ What did it die of ?’ ‘ It died av a Tuesday.’ ‘ I mean how did it die ?’ 1 It died on its back.’ ‘ I mean how did the dog meet its death ?’ ‘ It didn’t meet its death ; its death overtook it P’ ‘ I want to know what was the complaint.’ ‘ No complaint. Everyone for miles around seemed to be satisfied,’ ‘ I wished to know how did it occur ? ’ ‘ The dog was no cur; he was a thoroughbred animal.’ ‘ Tell me what disease did the dog die of ?’ ‘ He went to fight a circular saw.’ i What was the result ?’ ‘ The dog only lasted wan round.’ * * * But the fight wid a saw was nothing to the accident we bad in our house the other evenin’. Katie was shtandin’ at the kitchen table shtudyin’ wan av thim patterns that ye are so fond av puttin’ in the paper, an’ Corney was Sandowin’ in his room, wid two av his mother’s smoothin’ irons for dumb-bells, whin Bedalia, who’s taken to poultry farmin’ since Wesney Bros, became agents for the Australian Hen, heard some cacklin’ in the nixt door neighbour’s section, an’ quietly took howlt av the chair her mother bad bin siftin’ on an’ ran out wid it to Ink over the fince. * ■* * Thin, the saints presarve us if Katie, nivir missin’ the chair, didn’t go to sit down, an’ wint crash on to the flure. I heard the grate fhll, an’ axed Corney what it was, an’ he lukt out, an’ ses he, quite aisy like —‘ Och, it’s only mother.’ WKin I got to Katie she was quite shuk wid the shock, an’ I towld Corney to go out to the nearest pub an’ get her a drop av something ; but, bad cess to the boy, if he didn’t refuse point blank, savin’ he’d go to the chemist’s for medicine, but nowhere else. ‘ Why,’ ses I, ‘ ’tis as medicine we want it,’ but I cudn’t budge him. ‘ No, father,’ ses he, ‘ ye’ve no idea av the throuble ye’ll get us all into if I’m seen about a public-house. Ye mushn’t have anny dalins wid the enemy at all at all. Why, there was a man called Waterton in the onld connthry that nivir touched a drop, but kept it in the house for visitors, an’ he got such a sickener through his kindness an’ toleration that he vudn’t allow a drop av liquor in the house ivir afther. *** ‘ Well, Corney,’ ses I, ‘ I’ll overluk yer disobedience if ye’ll tell us the

shtory, for by this time Katie was cornin’ to bersilf, the craythur, an’ this was the tale that Corney related. * * * Well, this Mr Waterton was a bachelor wid three servants, wan av thim by the name av Mary. Wan day he called in the village carpenter, called John Sawyer, to do some repairs in the library. The man was a good carpenter, an’ a born mimic he could imitate anny wan’s voice afther bearin’ it wance. Well, falin thirsty soon afther shtarfcin’ he axed if he cud have a drink. Mr Waterton came out on the stairs and called out : ‘ Mary !’ ‘ Yes, sir.’ ‘ Bring this man a drink.’ Mary at once complied, as in duty bound. A draught of ale was brought up, which was consumed by the thirsty carpenter, who then continued his work. Mr Waterton looked on for a short time, and being satisfied with the manner in which the work was being executed, took his stick and went out, unnoticed by the servants, for his daily ramble. Sawyer kept his eye upon him until he was well away from the house ; then, coming out on the stairs, and imitating Mr Waterton’s voice, be calls out : ‘ Mary !’ ‘ Yes, sir ’ (from below). £ Bring this man a drink.’ Mary complied. The of the measure were drained as betoie, the consumer endeavouring to gain Mary’s good graces by giving her a sly wink ; but Mary gave him a look which completely extinguished him. Finding the ruse successful, he soon repeated the order again and again ; and, growing bolder, he ordered something stronger than ale to be brought, the housekeeper complying, although her temper was sorely tried by the frequent visits to the top of the stairs. * * * Mr Waterton, after concluding his walk, returned home. His housekeeper, unaware of his absence, on observing him enter, at once sought him out in order to give him a bit of her mind. 1 Indeed, sir, ’tis a shame the way I’m treated here. I am for the past two hours going up and down stairs bringing drinks to that beast above there. 1 think, sir, you ought to practice what you preach, and not encourage drunkenness under your own roof. One thing, sir, I’ll go up there no more.’ £ But I protest, Mary, you astonish me. I don’t know what you mean ; I only ordered the man one drink,’ Both were at this moment startled on hearing an exact imitation of Mr Waterton’s voice upstairs calling out as usual, although in slightly muddled accents — £ Mary, bring the man a drink.’ * * * Mr Waterton could scarcely believe his ears ; he lost no time about visiting the library, his servants following close after him. There was Mr Sawyer, no longer able to keep his feet; he had sunk down into Mr Waterton’s easy-chair. Thinking it was Mary bringing up the drink, he got out with much difficulty—- £ That’s right, Mary, bring the man a drink.’ * * * The man-servant was called in, an’ he put the carpenter into a hand-cart an’ threw a rug over him, an’ tuk him a if to his home. Whin they were passin’ a number av paple the joggin’ av the cart roused the carpenter, an’ he called out, still mimicking Mr Waterton’s voice— £ Mary, bring the man a drink.’ Everybody stared, an’ thought their ears had deceived them, but no, there was Mr Waterton’s man wheelin’ him along wid a rug over him. * * * It tuk Mr Waterton years to get paple to belave that he’d been the victim av his own kindness av heart. Katie ses the moral av the shtory is that its no use thryin’ to regulate the liquor traffic, an’ that it’s dangerous

to have annything to do with it even at second-hand. * * * The day av eliction is drawin’ near, an’ I’m thinkin’ there’s stirrin’ times forninst ns. Mr Deegan towld ns to defy the law if prohibition was carried, an’ I don’t like the way things are shapin’ by anny manner av manes. Mr Hanan’s gettin’ the new gaol shtarted nixt wake, Cr. Roche has left the council that he kept awake on dull nights for manny years wid his wit an’ humour, Mr Kenneally an’ a lot av other min are straitenin’ the bed av Puni Creek beyant the railway to get more watherinto the place, the town council’s bin out to Sandy Point to see the effects av a vegetarian an’ non-alco-holic diet on the clams an rabbitsj an’ me janial ould frind Mr Horace Bastings has taken command av the ould veterans wid the rank av colonel, an’ it Inks as if, in the words av Sir Joseph’s song —‘ There’s bound to be a row.’ * * %■ Angus McGregor sea that one av the hotelkeepers towlt him that if they get a new lease av power he’s goin’ to run his hotel on a new shtyle, namely : —Board fid per square foot; meals extra. Breakfast at five, dinner at six, supper at seven. Guests wishing to get up without being called can have self-raising flour for supper. ISTot responsible for diamonds, cycles, or other valuables kept under the pillow ; they should be deposited in the safe. The hotel is convenient to all cemeteries ; hearses to hire at any hour of the day. Guests wishing to do a little driving will find hammer and nails in the closet. If the room gets too warm, open the window and see the fire-escape. If you’re fond of athletics and like good jumping, lift the mattress and see the bed spring. If the lamp goes out, take a feather out of the pillow ; that’s light enough for any room. Anyone troubled with nightmare will find a halter on the bedpost. Don’t worry about paying your bill ; the house is supported by its foundations. Denis.